Thoughts on lying spouses?

[specialmom]

What do you think of one spouse lying to the other?  Maye they don't want to hear their partner complain, maybe they want to get away with something their partner doesn't like, maybe they are trying to not get in trouble, maybe it is a habit.  What are your thoughts?

[AnnieBrooke]

I think asking "what is the lie" is a useful way to sort this. Honesty being the best policy as much as possible, would being honest in a given situation do a lot more harm than good?

One of the reasons my husband and I get along is because we both figured out long before we were together that life is a lot easier if you can find someone to be with who doesn't make you uneasy, that you don't get jealous about, and that you don't feel obligated to lie to. Not to say I've never lied to my husband, but rarely, and things that come to mind when I think "Have I ever lied to him?" were pretty much always simply withholding information, not lying to his face.

For example, there doesn't seem to be any good in saying "The puppy pooped on the floor in the new house" when I've already cleaned it up, or "Your jowls are getting heavier" when he asks how he looks, or "That cute doctor was flirting with me today and I liked it." Mostly these "lies of omission" seem to be in the lines of long-term management of the relationship or the situation. I want my husband to like the dog and not make restrictive new rules about having her in the house, and besides, she's a puppy so it's hardly a surprise she pooped on the floor once even though my husband feels she should never do such a thing. I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings or make him self-conscious about his jowls. I do want to feel egotistically a bit puffed up when the doctor flirts, and if my husband reacted as though he thought it was hilarious, it would hurt my feelings. (I think it's funny when my husband acts pleased that his female dentist thinks he's hot stuff. lol)  

If I felt like not telling my husband these things meant something was off in our relationship, I'd tell him about them and that we needed to have a talk. But I don't think these mean anything about our relationship. Just that we've been married a long time.

[auntiejessi]

I think there are a lot of layers to this.

On one hand, is the partner being lied to receptive to the truth? Are they going to burst out in anger for every little thing? Is, "Honey, I'm sorry, I spilled coffee on the chair and there's a very small stain" going to get the same reaction as "I cheated on you"?

On the other hand, what is the lie? Is the lying partner continually doing things the other partner has asked them to stop, and it's a reasonable request? Is it something like, "Do you like my hair this way?"

So yes, of course, I make this complicated and heavy. That's what I do. :)