Aa
To Sajitt
Hi Sajitt,
I read your story. It sounds so dreadfully sad. I have felt those same feelings in my marriage so I think I know how you feel. I am wondering if you can talk to your mother by yourself and explain everything to her the way you did on here. Wouldn't she understand the pain you are in and the lack of consideration your husband treats you with? Like everyone else has said, your safety is of utmost importance so i don't want to encourage anything that will cause you harm. I've seen and heard of amazing things happening to the most difficult of marriages if you get a really good counselor. Would your husband be willing to get help if he thought he was going to lose you, or does he just not care and he's only staying for the parents as well? My prayers are with you. You need help with this that probably only God in Heaven can provide. I suggest you pray fervently (if you haven't already). If so, I believe you will receive the help you need. You sound like a very intelligent and good person.
I read your story. It sounds so dreadfully sad. I have felt those same feelings in my marriage so I think I know how you feel. I am wondering if you can talk to your mother by yourself and explain everything to her the way you did on here. Wouldn't she understand the pain you are in and the lack of consideration your husband treats you with? Like everyone else has said, your safety is of utmost importance so i don't want to encourage anything that will cause you harm. I've seen and heard of amazing things happening to the most difficult of marriages if you get a really good counselor. Would your husband be willing to get help if he thought he was going to lose you, or does he just not care and he's only staying for the parents as well? My prayers are with you. You need help with this that probably only God in Heaven can provide. I suggest you pray fervently (if you haven't already). If so, I believe you will receive the help you need. You sound like a very intelligent and good person.
Sajitt, does he ever get aroused when you are not trying to arouse him? If you don't initiate sex for a while, does he start to want it?
I've been married for 15 years and have had very many of the same problems you talk about!! It sounds similar, except that I got to the point that I didn't enjoy sex, but my husband still wanted it and I would just put up with it. Does your husband ever initiate it? Maybe he really is scared now and maybe he really doesn't know what to do. That's what my husband told me too, that he was scared because he couldn't please me. And he also kept making the same mistakes over and over. It was frustrating. i thought he didnt' even care.
But we have been seeing a wonderful therapist and she has talked about how men and women are very different when it comes to sex and that men often think that women like things the way they would like them, but they don't and then the wife gets turned off and the husband is confused as to why. She gave me a book to read and it talks about the differences and how to meet each others' needs. It is addressed to religious Christians, but it would work for any couple. It has really helped us understand each other better. It is called, "And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura M. Brotherson. Chapter 5 has been especially helpful to us. Good Luck. it sounds to me like maybe there is hope.
But we have been seeing a wonderful therapist and she has talked about how men and women are very different when it comes to sex and that men often think that women like things the way they would like them, but they don't and then the wife gets turned off and the husband is confused as to why. She gave me a book to read and it talks about the differences and how to meet each others' needs. It is addressed to religious Christians, but it would work for any couple. It has really helped us understand each other better. It is called, "And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura M. Brotherson. Chapter 5 has been especially helpful to us. Good Luck. it sounds to me like maybe there is hope.
Thanks for understanding. Iam really confused on what to do. I can leave my job here- where Iam earning really well and in my mid career level, and have a great future ahead ..... and I can go back to India , where I shall need to hunt for a job again and set up everything from scratch.
I had thought of moving out here in Dubai itself, but then nobody would approve the same back home . The only option would be to move back to India again and then gradually take things up.
I really dont know what a counsellor can do for us. Be it him or me, infact yesterday we had discussed on the same matter- he was of the opinon that there is nothing wrong with him and me and that we just need to be patient with each other- he needs to try to understand me more etc etc. He says that his basic problem is that he doesnt understand what I like on bed and h is confused on teh same like wat if he does something and it turns out that , that is not what I want.... I told him tat unles u tried , how woudl u know? And its been 2 years i've been staying with him and till date he doesnt know , what I like on bed ..... I dont trust him enough or I know him enuf to belive that even after 2 more years , he would still say the same.
Initially, I never used to express my dissatisfaction on bed, I used to be silent about it, he thought I was happy, though he never happend to ask me . Later , I started expressing myself, what I wanted, how I would like him to b etc...... he would say yes yes, and thn go back to normal again.
Loreille , am I over reacting ? Thats wht he says - he admits that it is his mistake but he is a bit confused , thats why etc etc. But then, this is the way he has always been- how do I trust that he really wants to make me happy but that he is jus confused--- and is being confused a valid reason at all???
There has been many many times, while in bed , I have told him in many manners, be it actions , be it sweet words etc- about my fantasies and feelings- how I wud like to hear him talk on bed etc . He doesnt talk on bed at all..... and he just lets me do whatevre I would liek to and does not interact in it ..... When I say my fantasies, etc- be assured- its nothing too atrocious or too kinky or anything like that --- jus normal stuff- a bit of oral sex, good massage,trying out different positions other than the normal missionary pos (the only 1 tat we have tried till date), having showers, a bit of morning sex etc---- is this all too much to ask for ???? There have been several times, I have asked for the above in bed and his answer would be : " Not today, but tomorrow i will defintely do this for u" And of course, tomorrow never comes.
Day before was weekend here and in the evening , I tried to create an interest , be with him , talk to him etc etc and jus thought, if I took the initiative , would things be different? He talked to me about his office matters on bed and then while I was talking, jus slept off (which always happens and one of th main reasons that I hardly talk these days - bcoz it hurts me ). Yes, I did feel a bit hurt, but then I do understand that he is tired as well, so i dint take tat in much. In the morng, I got up early and I was in quite a sexy mood, so I pulled out my T shirt and snuggled up next to him. He was fast sleep and dint realise it , I waited up for him and after sometime , when he woke up i pretended to be asleep jus to see what he would do--- he just looked at me , put the blanket on my side and got up and went and made a coffee for himself........ And I felt completely broken---- wouldnt it be a man's instinct or even a natural instinct for a husband to touch his wife when she is half naked ??
Am I over reacting , Lorielle?
I was completely depressed- I feel as if Im going crazy--- when he saw me depressed and in tears , he came and asked me what happend since he had no given all this much importance. I told him that I have had enu of living with u and that I was fed up and wanted to move out- he was goining on saying he was sorry, it wont happen next time etc--- he says that all the time...... Said the same story that he is confused as to what I like - what if he does something and i dont like it....tat he does not have a problem and we dont need a doctor- I told him tat the first thing he has to accept that he and I have a problem- he has a problem tat he does not know how to satisfy his wife on bed and I , his wife now have a problem tat bcoz of his mechanical antics on bed, I have become close to FRIGID and he cant see m to help me in it.
I am really confused - wat can a marriage counsellor do for us- teach my husband how to be better in bed? or make me accept tat this is life?
I had thought of moving out here in Dubai itself, but then nobody would approve the same back home . The only option would be to move back to India again and then gradually take things up.
I really dont know what a counsellor can do for us. Be it him or me, infact yesterday we had discussed on the same matter- he was of the opinon that there is nothing wrong with him and me and that we just need to be patient with each other- he needs to try to understand me more etc etc. He says that his basic problem is that he doesnt understand what I like on bed and h is confused on teh same like wat if he does something and it turns out that , that is not what I want.... I told him tat unles u tried , how woudl u know? And its been 2 years i've been staying with him and till date he doesnt know , what I like on bed ..... I dont trust him enough or I know him enuf to belive that even after 2 more years , he would still say the same.
Initially, I never used to express my dissatisfaction on bed, I used to be silent about it, he thought I was happy, though he never happend to ask me . Later , I started expressing myself, what I wanted, how I would like him to b etc...... he would say yes yes, and thn go back to normal again.
Loreille , am I over reacting ? Thats wht he says - he admits that it is his mistake but he is a bit confused , thats why etc etc. But then, this is the way he has always been- how do I trust that he really wants to make me happy but that he is jus confused--- and is being confused a valid reason at all???
There has been many many times, while in bed , I have told him in many manners, be it actions , be it sweet words etc- about my fantasies and feelings- how I wud like to hear him talk on bed etc . He doesnt talk on bed at all..... and he just lets me do whatevre I would liek to and does not interact in it ..... When I say my fantasies, etc- be assured- its nothing too atrocious or too kinky or anything like that --- jus normal stuff- a bit of oral sex, good massage,trying out different positions other than the normal missionary pos (the only 1 tat we have tried till date), having showers, a bit of morning sex etc---- is this all too much to ask for ???? There have been several times, I have asked for the above in bed and his answer would be : " Not today, but tomorrow i will defintely do this for u" And of course, tomorrow never comes.
Day before was weekend here and in the evening , I tried to create an interest , be with him , talk to him etc etc and jus thought, if I took the initiative , would things be different? He talked to me about his office matters on bed and then while I was talking, jus slept off (which always happens and one of th main reasons that I hardly talk these days - bcoz it hurts me ). Yes, I did feel a bit hurt, but then I do understand that he is tired as well, so i dint take tat in much. In the morng, I got up early and I was in quite a sexy mood, so I pulled out my T shirt and snuggled up next to him. He was fast sleep and dint realise it , I waited up for him and after sometime , when he woke up i pretended to be asleep jus to see what he would do--- he just looked at me , put the blanket on my side and got up and went and made a coffee for himself........ And I felt completely broken---- wouldnt it be a man's instinct or even a natural instinct for a husband to touch his wife when she is half naked ??
Am I over reacting , Lorielle?
I was completely depressed- I feel as if Im going crazy--- when he saw me depressed and in tears , he came and asked me what happend since he had no given all this much importance. I told him that I have had enu of living with u and that I was fed up and wanted to move out- he was goining on saying he was sorry, it wont happen next time etc--- he says that all the time...... Said the same story that he is confused as to what I like - what if he does something and i dont like it....tat he does not have a problem and we dont need a doctor- I told him tat the first thing he has to accept that he and I have a problem- he has a problem tat he does not know how to satisfy his wife on bed and I , his wife now have a problem tat bcoz of his mechanical antics on bed, I have become close to FRIGID and he cant see m to help me in it.
I am really confused - wat can a marriage counsellor do for us- teach my husband how to be better in bed? or make me accept tat this is life?
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