Trusting issues=\

[JalielsMommy]

Ok so im 17yrs old & my boyfriend is 23yrs old. We have been living together for a year now & I'm 30weeks pregnant. He works while I finish my senior year. He works overnight (from 11pm to 7am) I go to school only Monday & Wednesday (from 8am to 11am). We are always together. when he gets out of work he comes straight home & his with me all day till he has to go to work at night again. We don't spend time apart only when he goes to work or when I go to school. He don't go out at all & if he does we go out together. The only time he goes out by himself is to be in front of the house with his bestfriend (our neighbour) & I know his there cus every time I look out his right there. I don't have no problems with him hiding the phone or anything cus he leaves the phone sometimes & I have never found something suspicious or anything. He has never given me reasons to think his cheating but I just can't help not trusting him. I talk to my mom about the way I feel & she tells me it might be my hormones. But I want to stop having this trusting issues cus I feel like is gonna ruin my relationship with him :\ I don't wanna loose him cus his a great guy his every supportive, he loves me, he makes me feel special. I mean his everything I've ever want it & I love him more than words. I just think is because of my past relationship, that's why I'm having this trusting issues now. What can I do to stop this trusting issues ?

[JalielsMommy]

That's why I'm gonna talk to him so my trusting issues don't ruin the good relationship that I have now. I'm totally gonna go see a therapist I think is the best thing of us! :) Thanks

[brice1967]

For the sake of things, having to terminate a pregnancy for any reason can leave all kinds of emotional scars.  Top that with the abuse you've dealt with in the past.... I can see why you have trust issues.

I'd take your mother up on going to a therapist.  As for right now, you've got no reason to not trust your boyfriend, so do not let the issues from your past destroy the good that is happening now.  Please go see a therapist.

[JalielsMommy]

Ur totally right! I mean when ever he goes outside with his friend I go to my friend's house sometimes (she lives around where we live at too). I'm defenetly finishing school & going to college after my son is born & his a little bit bigger (7 months old) my boyfriend is gonna babysit while I go to college. I don't like having to depend on him for money but for now I'm gonna have to cus I would never get a job at 17 & pregnant here. I turn 18 when the baby's 3 months old so I'm gonna try & get a job by then :)
And thank u so much for ur advice. It really helped me :)

[specialmom]

Hi,  Well ---  a couple of things come to mind for me.  I agree that talking to a therapist would be helpful for sorting out your past.  The scary part of having been abused in a relationship is that this pattern easily repeats.  

I would also talk to the therapist about the amount of time you and your boyfriend spend together.  Believe it or not, this is unhealthy for a couple.  You have to have together time and separate time.  You can't be so dependent on each other for all socialization and contact.  It is most healthy to be interdependent.  This means that you love being together but you handle apart just fine.  You need friends.  He needs friends.  

I'd also consider after the baby comes to continue your education or pursue some type of job training.  You are a young woman and you don't want to end up in a situation of not knowing what you can do to support yourself and your child if you ever need to.  I really want to empower young women to think this way.  It offers protection and quite frankly, keeps a balance in the relationship.  Even if you are a stay at home mom----  being able to work if you needed to is very important.  

I do think hormones make us a little more sensitive and worried.  What to then watch out for is postpartum problems after the baby arrives.  You don't want to leave depression or anxiety untreated after the baby comes which is well known for these hormonal changes that bring on mental health challenges to surface.  

And I'm sorry you suffer guilt over the abortion.  No one wants to abort a baby (I hope) but I'm sure you were trying to do the best thing.  I want to tell you though----  when you say that you didn't want a child to see a man beating you up for no good reason------  no child should see a member beaten for ANY reason (good or otherwise).   Making a home that is calm and happy is so very important for a child to feel stable in life.  good luck

[JalielsMommy]

Yea I have been through a lot. Been with that guy for 1yrs & a half then got pregnant of him when I was 14yrs old I was so scared of him & my mom told me to move in with him (my mom didn't know he use to beat me up till after I broke up with him), I made the bad decision to get an abortion cus me been so young & ignorant I didn't want my child to see his dad beat me up for no reason so I decided not to have the baby. I still regret it & feel like a horrible person :(

But I'm talking to him first & see if after I talk to him I feel better :)

[Londres70]

Please seek therapy.  You probably should have gone to therapy after that last relationship you were in.

[Ashelen]

yikes. with a past like that, it's no wonder you have difficulty trusting. I can completely relate...I had my trust destroyed over and over throughout my childhood (neglect, abuse, sexual abuse) and when I finally got into a solid relationship I nearly ruined it by being so untrusting. My husband has NOT been perfect, but I can say after almost 9 years that I am as certain as anyone can be that he hasn't cheated, and I'm slowly learning to trust. But it has taken me NINE years...so give yourself some time and credit..you don't get over treatment like that in a day, months, or even usually years.

Talking to him and reminding him of what you've been through should help a lot..and if you still feel like you need to see the therapist, I highly recommend considering that too.

[JalielsMommy]

My mom told me that if I want it she would take me to see a therapist. I mean I'm not a jealous person (u have to give me a good reason for me to be jealous) but I just think is to good to be true u know! Like my last relationship he did me so wrong & beat me up & everything. It's just hard for me to trust someone again :(

Thank u so much for ur advice. I'm defenetly gonna talk to him cus I know he would understand how I feel :)

[Ashelen]

Honestly, I would just talk to him about it. Lay your feelings out for him and say that you don't have any reason to suspect him, but this feeling keeps bugging you and you just want to find a way to get over it.

I know that at 17, I was SUPER jealous and insecure and untrusting in relationships...it's taken me 9 years to get to the point where I can not always have this feeling between my shoulder blades like my husband is stepping out on me.

Hopefully since he's a bit older and more mature, he'll understand that this is about age and hormones and try to find a way to make you feel more comfortable. Especially since you don't think he has anything to hide, he should be happy to do whatever it takes to make his pregnant girl feel more at ease.

I don't know what the insurance is like in Puerto Rico, but can you see a therapist? Sometimes this helps as pregnancy hormones can make us completely irrational and sometimes it takes a little professional perspective to help us sort things out.

best of luck and congrats on meeting your baby soon, I wish you all the best.