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Avatar universal

Trying to help my depressed fiancee with coming back to her country

My fiancee for the past few years used to live and work in the US, after finishing college.  She got her work permits, OPT, etc. but was turned down for an H1B after almost a year of trying to get it.  To top it off, they told her she had to leave immediately, which meant packing what she could into a few suitcases, leaving the rest along with her friends, job, apartment, etc.  I know she worked hard at trying to get things working there, so all of this had to have been a shock to her system.

For the record, I'm a dual citizen, one being US.  Currently I'm not in a position to marry her comfortably, so I've asked that we hold off a bit longer on that (she wanted me to come up immediately and move there so she could stay).  Either way, I'm doing what I can to make things okay for the transition.  Bought her some things she needed and gave her money in case a situation like this happened so she could get what she needed like luggage, etc.  Met her at the airport and took her out to try and making her smile a little.

She really doesn't like it here, mainly due to the pain she's had in the past with past relationships and her not liking certain things like the economy, etc.  I'm setting up a job for her now doing similar work she's done before.  It's been about a week now and she's still very uninterested in doing anything like going outside or anywhere.  She told me that the reason she also hasn't been receptive to kisses or hugs or anything intimate is because she hasn't had interest in it since she came and it also reminds her of her ex-fiance who also did the same things when he came over or when they went through a rough patch.  I also noticed that she'd started cutting again, she said it was a few days old but it still worried me.  For the physical part, I told her I'd still be coming by, but wouldn't force anything on her like a kiss or holding hands, etc. but it still hurts.  Advice would be helpful.
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Avatar universal
"She's been to therapy, and done the rounds of meds, but they don't really seem to help much so she stopped.  Thank you though.".............If professional help didn't do much for her then what will you be able to do for her in regards to her mental health as you are NO therapist?  

"She told me last night that the reason she also hasn't been receptive to kisses or hugs or anything intimate is because she hasn't had interest in it since she came and it also reminds her of her ex-fiance who also did the same things when he came over or when they went through a rough patch.  Last Wednesday I also noticed that she'd started cutting again, she said it was a few days old but it still worried me.  For the physical part, I told her I'd still be coming by, but wouldn't force anything on her like a kiss or holding hands, etc. but it still hurts.  Advice would be helpful."..............I am sure you are hurt, however, what she is dealing with is worse than your hurt.  Anyone cutting is obviously not in a good place and isn't going to be interested in being intimate or giving hugs and kisses.  She is not happy about her predicament, e.g. living in her homeland again.  Moreover, she has unresolved past issues she has yet to deal with and now she is forced to deal with them since she is back in her homeland whereas when she was in the U.S. she wasn't faced with having to deal with them.  I am pretty sure that is ONE of the reasons she wanted to stay in the states. How can you really have a relationship with a woman who hasn't deal with her past; who has had NO closure from her last relationship?  She sounds like a woman trying to run from her problems/past and she thought that by marrying you to stay in the states she could stay far away from this.  

The things that you've done for her are thoughtful and kind, but it isn't a solution to her severe, mental issues.  You should encourage her to seek therapy again.  Sometimes one needs to try different meds and/or different therapists to get that right fit for him/her.  Has she done this?

As you stated you are not ready to marry her, however, she is in NO good place to be a wife to anybody.  

I just think "your fiancée" sees you more of a convenience than anything else.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I take it, you are in another country and she wanted you to move to the United States and get married now, so she could stay?  That is a lot to ask, but women do this for their men all the time, move to another place with little notice because their husband's livelihood is better served by doing things that way.  I don't think her request was totally unreasonable, given that the two of you are engaged.

I agree with this. Taking note that regardless of her cutting issues, you are still planning to marry.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
What you said originally was "I'm not in a position to marry her comfortably, so I've asked that we hold off a bit longer."  If my fiance had ever told me his comfort was more important to him than me, that would be it, he wouldn't be my husband now.  It's not illogical that feelings of love stop flowing when a person feels abandoned by the most important person to them.

On the other hand, I was never in a position where I had fixated on only one possible solution to a problem (though, again, if he had been the only solution, he would have stepped up.  He's a great guy.)  I also didn't bring baggage from old relationships into new ones, and I also made rational plans for my life.  She evidently, in her year of trying for her green card, didn't make any contingency plans (besides you).  She should never have let herself get into a position that when she was denied citizenship, it would require packing and leaving with no notice like a refugee.  That is wildly stressful and disorienting.  

You're describing someone who had the shock of having to leave in a hurry and feels let down because (one of) her (many possible) solutions to her life has failed.  She has reacted by falling apart, and you say she won't benefit from counseling.

Whether this adds up to a crazy woman that you should shy away from, or someone who will ultimately pull herself together and find the good in the situation (it's nice of your mother to help her find work), probably only time can tell.  She's the one who has to decide to pull out of it, you've done as much as you can (or want to) at this point.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
No, you're right.  It's something I'll need to think about more in-depth because it is taking a toll on me slowly but surely.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm a little unclear about your relationship/citizenship status/legal status.  

Your profile indicates you live in the Bahamas,  so I'm guessing you are a dual British/US citizen?  And I don't know what citizenship she has.  

If you married her,  as a US citizen,  would you have to also live in the US for her to live here?

I have no idea what any of the answers are to those,  so it's hard to give advice.

BUT,  when I think of "fiance" I think of a couple who is planning a wedding,  and have full intentions of marrying.  They usually have a date,  and a ring,  even if it's something like "Spring of 2017".    But fiance is used differently now - I've heard it used by couples who are barely boyfriend and girlfriend,  and have no real actual commitment, and certainly no plans to marry.

So.  Throughout my life,  I've sometimes asked people I care about for help.  If I really needed help, and they could have given it to me but chose not to for convenience or because it would have "cost" them something,  they're forever in a category of people I know I can't count on when I need them.  I like them,  I'll be happy to be friends with them,  I'll socialize with them,  etc.,  but I know not to ask for help when I really,  really need it because they're not willing to put their skin in the game for me.  I'm not angry about it,  it's just information that's useful.

So that's what you've just done to your fiance,  imho.   You've relegated yourself to the relationship as someone she cares about,  but she now knows she can't count on you when the chips are down and the rubber hits the road.

And that's why she won't kiss you anymore.  

I wish you well.  I don't necessarily blame you for having serious second thoughts about her,  she sounds a little unstable.  But don't expect her to be okay and continue the exact same relationship with you when you've put yourself over her.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You sound very caring and sweet.  If she has been through the rounds of medicine and therapy and it doesn't seem to help much, do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life?  That may sound a bit harsh but when it comes to marriage, it is smart to be practical.  I could not tie myself to someone who has uncontrollable depression and cutting issues when 'she hits a rough patch'.  

Is there not a part of you that doubts if this is right based on that?  

You sound loyal and kind.  But you DO have to put yourself first when choosing a mate.  Otherwise, it could be a life time of her battling her issues and you trying to save her.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
fiancée*.  That could perhaps be part of the reason, but either way she would have still had to leave the country right then, otherwise she would have been illegal.  We'd spoken before about things that had to be completed here first before we could marry and move either to the US or Canada too.  I was considering making the move then, but then neither of us would have a job or I'd have to take her job, have her do the work, while I try to manage figuring out an actual job for me.  Either way, it was complicated.

For the record, I'm not trying to buy her stuff to save her, I'm doing it to try and make the transition as easy as possible until we can get things settled.  Big difference.

Other than me being the key, I'd appreciate some other suggestions though.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks.  I wouldn't say this is normal for her.  We've had times where situations have been hard for us, so it just reminds her of some past relationships.  Her ex just happened to be the last person who was in that house as her fiance, so she's worried things will go bad about that as well perhaps?

As for the cutting, she used to do it ages ago, and when I noticed the new one I asked when was the last time she did it.  She told me last October, which is when we had a rough patch.

She's been to therapy, and done the rounds of meds, but they don't really seem to help much so she stopped.  Thank you though.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm particularly concerned about the comment 'she started cutting again" which leads me to believe that this issue of her having emotional problems is not new.  I think she would be an unwise person to tie your life to and ESPECIALLY right now so you are smart to not marry her any time soon.  I hate to be harsh but marriage is difficult enough without someone with chronic emotional issues.  good luck
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
You said she is your fiance, and she wanted you to "come up there immediately and move there so she could stay."  I take it, you are in another country and she wanted you to move to the United States and get married now, so she could stay?  That is a lot to ask, but women do this for their men all the time, move to another place with little notice because their husband's livelihood is better served by doing things that way.  I don't think her request was totally unreasonable, given that the two of you are engaged.  It would be over the top for just a boyfriend, but if the two of you intend to marry anyway, and if your dual citizenship would protect her from being deported and allow her to keep her job, not to mention her apartment and things she had to leave behind, it was not such an outrageous request.  But if it was outrageous to you, you don't have to do it, and clearly you don't intend to.  

Feeling bad and let down about this is her right, she was just forced out of her life.  Even worse, she cared a lot about it, and was forced to leave with no notice.  But you do have the right not to marry her until you are ready.

I would say the problem for her is that this is about something existential -- that she feels she can't make her way in the world the way she wants without having legal access in the U.S.  Whether this is true or not, she has taken it very hard.  It does not help that you hold one kind of key to solving this problem and are not offering it.  No wonder she is cold, shocked, and distressed.

Getting her a laptop, a ticket, and $1000 is not solving her feeling that she can't have the life she has set her heart on.  If your citizenship holds the key but you aren't offering it, she is probably feeling entirely bereft.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Oh goodness, I'm about to say something that you may not love hearing.  We date for a reason.  It's to be a harsh critic of someone and judge whether they would be an ideal mate or not.  Does the situation she is now in sound like she'd be a great long term partner? I understand depression is a clinical condition but if one is not willing to take appropriate steps to treat the depression (medication and talk therapy), it is not a situation I advise anyone to attach themselves to.  You can't 'save' her by giving her money, plane tickets, jobs, etc. She needs to fix her own life.  And that she also says that she is still hung up on an ex?  

There are many red flags here as to why she would be a challenging and difficult life partner.  I would personally reevaluate if this is the direction you want your life to take.  Could she have a few too many problems to deal with?  Will her cutting and lack of ability to 'fix' her own life be a lifetime pattern for her?  Life ALWAYS has many ups and downs and if this is her typical behavior pattern, this is concerning.

I would consider that perhaps this is not a match meant to be and save yourself the heartache of attaching yourself to an unhealthy woman.  

Again, I know this isn't the advice you wanted and it is hard to hear.  However, I think ultimately, this will lead you to a happier life than trying to be her knight in shining armor hoping she'll snap out of this funk.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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