Want my ex back who just broke up and got married

[Dt8786]

I'm not sure if I have chance to get her back at the beginning of sept she had told me she cheated on me and had feelings for this other person we were together 9 1/2 years and I was about to purpose to her sept 25 which her mom was also involved in the purposal she told me at the beginning of the month then I tried everything to make it work but I guess after nine years I seemed to needy and of course she wanted to be married long before that and now I completely regret it but we broke up about a week later which at this point I told her when and where we were supposed to purpose and at this point she seriously only new the new guy about a week since I had read all her text from the weekend it happened and she did not erase any of them it was hard to read they never said love but talked about moving and leaving me with the furniture and putting a baby in her and saw on his Facebook posts his friends saying I can't believe you married her only knowing her two weeks she went to him of course when we broke up which he lives in a different state two weeks later on sept 26 she called me and said she was marrying him that day now it's been 2 1/2 months she stayed in contact with me up until November 1 and I still love her and want her back because it has only been 2 1/2 months and I was with her over 9 years she also had told me in one of are last conversation she doesn't know it's going to work in her new marriage but I do still want to marry this girl I just feel I pushed to these actions

[AnnieBrooke]

There really are only two things you can do.  The good news is, you have a choice.

One approach is decide it really is done, and walk away.  Doing this respects the decision she has made, even if you hope in her heart that her decision was wrong.  She made it, she expects you to take her decisions for what they say.  (In fact, it's almost insulting that you would consider not accepting this decision.  She went so far as to get married.  That's a pretty big signal that it is over with you.)  Her marriage was impulsive but it doesn't mean she didn't mean it, and you do have to accept that.  (And of course, even if it does fail, there is no guarantee she will come back to you.)  You are really better off just move on with your life.

But since you hope in your heart of hearts that possibly she will wind up unmarried sooner or later, your other possibility is to quietly continue to love her.  This is not easy, because that level of acceptance by you, has to include accepting the possibility that nothing will ever come of it, and you have to sign away any future right to ever chide her or be angry at her for having left.  That takes a huge level of acceptance, more than you've said you feel in the situation.

Going the unrequited-love route involves suffering in silence.  Right now you are sounding like you still feel entitled to her as though saying "I love her" will bring here back.  If you decide to go the love-her-forever route, though, you have to find a way to rise above all of the natural human emotion that surrounds being walked away from.  Only if you love her totally unconditionally, can you rise above.  Because this is such a tough road, most people can't do it, and it often is a waste of time to try.  You should decide how much pain you want to take.

You could try the quiet waiting for a while, and if it looks like she is never coming back, then move on.  

[Dt8786]

I will thank you I was venting over the net but you are right and marriage is serious and I should respect that considering I want the same thing I just don't know what to do because I really still do love her with all my heart

[AnnieBrooke]

Let's see if I can put this in terms you can understand.  (Incidentally, saying " you honestly seem like you blame me just like her ... It seems like you have done this before or something" is an incorrect assumption and also lashing out at the wrong person for your annoyance at a situation of your own making.  You didn't post this question as "Hey, who will join me in putting down my ex for her insulting move and bad decision?"  You asked if you should give up.  If someone tries to get you to see why you should probably call a spade a spade, that does not translate into free rein to yell at them that they must be a cheater themselves.  At least, not if you want help understanding what happened and making adult decisions from this point forward.)

Back to an analogy that might bring out the point better than talking about marriage itself.

Say you're a big fan of a sports team, one of those serious fans who follows the stories of the players and coach, can recite all the stats, has season tickets and never misses a game, has gone to some exclusive fan events and met the players, the works.  Now say a person in your life who you like a lot and like the way they think is someone you'd like to talk to about this team and share the fun of following them.  And every time you mention the team or the sport, the person bursts out with "they're all just a bunch of money grubbers who are only interested in tricking people out of their money for season tickets and merchandise!"  Wouldn't that just get awfully tiresome after a while, and wouldn't it be somewhat disappointing if you like them to find out they and you are never going to be on the same page about sports, and possibly, wouldn't you have even thought a few times that they could at least put a sock in it with the remarks because they could see how much the team means to you?

I am not condoning your girlfriend finding someone new before she told you it was over.  But I am saying it was probably over before she found someone new, which means that it is less likely you should hold out hope.     If you feel marriage is a farce, you have probably expressed this to her a few times.  But she wants to be married, and nine years of living with this difference of opinion over something so close to her heart has made her feel like you didn't care enough about her feelings to open your heart to the idea.  (Heck, even though you were willing to propose, you still thought marriage meant nothing good.)  It sounds like maybe, even if she thinks better of her impulsive marriage and leaves, she might not want to get back with the person who has been saying "marriage is a piece of paper you can get it at the court house ... honestly marriage is the leading cause of divorce which is all on paper and all cost money."  There is no love in that.

In short, again, I would advise that if you know your love for her is a lifetime love, just calmly wait and see.  

[Dt8786]

Denial sorry

[Dt8786]

Marriage is a piece of paper you can get it at the court house people marry as quick as they divorce maybe I'm in denials still  but honestly marriage is the leading cause of divorce which is all on paper and all cost money unless you are completely religious

[Dt8786]

I felt like I needed money to marry her and give her the perfect surprise I really don't know why I felt this way

[Dt8786]

Thank you
You are right I will not instigate her marriage but you know marriage is just a label that involves money she didn't care if we had kids and we weren't married honestly are relationship went through a lot in nine years death of friends car accidents fires and jail on her part But honestly you are right and I can't believe I wrote purpose instead of propose through all my comments no excuse I didn't notice maybe that's why I'm where I am today

[AnnieBrooke]

Good luck to you.  Decide if you wait, and if you do, may it be a peaceful wait.  Or decide to let the idea go.  That might, frankly, be more peaceful.

[Dt8786]

But thank you I'm for real I guess I thought my purpose in this relationship how ever long it was my intentions were to propose because I love her more than anything I just don't understand why you back up people who cheat you honestly seem like you blame me just like her yes she should have waited but It seems like you have done this before or something I'm just asking a question should I quit or keep trying not who's to blame for us breaking up

[Dt8786]

Thank you
You are right I will not instigate her marriage but you know marriage is just a label that involves money she didn't care if we had kids and we weren't married honestly are relationship went through a lot in nine years death of friends car accidents fires and jail on her part But honestly you are right and I can't believe I wrote purpose instead of propose through all my comments no excuse I didn't notice maybe that's why I'm where I am today

[AnnieBrooke]

You mean, you would have succeeded at getting her to marry you if you had been more alert?  Maybe.  

I must say about one thing you claim above, marriage is not just a label that involves money.  It's a public announcement that you are more than just roommates.  But especially it's an emotional step up from living together.  Living together says "I like you but something else might come along."  The difference between living together and being married, for both me and my husband, was as significant an emotional change as the difference between being single and living together.  It says, "This is really it."  Never let that b.s. line about marriage just being a piece of paper come out of your mouth again -- if it really was that unimportant, you would have done it without any thought years ago.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think some of this is just your shock and ego, not pure true love.  The fact that you never proposed for nine years seems to me to say that you were halfhearted about the relationship (until recently when you finally made some kind of accommodation to her wishes for marriage and decided to acquiesce to the idea).  Here is an example of what it should look like instead -- the first time she ever hinted to you that possibly marriage might be something you two could look at, you are right there and propose within the week or at least within the month.  It sounds like she wanted to get married long ago and you didn't.  If you had wanted to, you could have been married these past 8 years, probably.

If you really think this is now suddenly pure, true love, not your ego being piqued because she suddenly got tired of waiting and found someone else, then to prove it to you (and to her), just wait.  With no promise or even hope of her leaving her husband, with no hints, with no proposals, just wait.  See where she ends up.  Then if a couple of years go by and you find she is not married any more and not seeing anyone, you could get together for a cup of coffee and have a talk.  But if you do it any other way (i.e., trying to force or manipulate the situation) you're kidding yourself.  It's all about the gorilla beating on his chest because another one came along, it's not about true love.

[Dt8786]

I know I'm still in shock but honestly it is not my ego I do truly love her and if you read again what I wrote I was going to purpose to her in sept and she knew it was coming I do feel I took to way to long but I truly had everything planned and wanted to do it right and be financially and mentally ready because we both also wanted children I totally should have married her sooner I wanted to but for some reason I felt I had Prove to her I could do everything myself I'm just saying she literally new him 2weeks and married him I feel terrible I didn't marry right away but If your saying it's not true love why do I still love her I also lived with her all 91/2 years which I know doesn't make it any better or contest how much I love her she actually moved in with me 2 weeks after we met I was 20 and now I'm 29 I felt we were mature enough to settle down I'm just saying I truly love her and I should of put a ring on her finger i really feel I mest up the best thing in my life but these feeling are not because she left me for someone else I was planning on being married right now and did take way to long I mean her mom and brothers lived right next door to where we lived and she didn't tell anyone including her family she was getting married except calling me the day she got married which she new I was going to purpose to her the day before because again I told her my plans for the purposal when she told me she cheated on me which I had set up with both are families and friends but I really still love her and I wanted it to be romantic and perfect I just feel I was to late and of course that's how she made me feel and your telling me the same thing I don't just live and date women for 91/2 years and not love them some people never get married and are together for even longer I guess I ruined it and take the blame because honestly she always hinted at it but just because some one hints doesn't mean I should marry her the next week or month I wish I did but I was still In college at that point wasn't sure how mature are relationship was at that point even though we were living together I'll admit that but for me it was true love I just made her wait to long that is my fault but you don't go from a 91/2 year relationship that she new we were going to marry to meeting someone then marry them 2 weeks after we break up and again if I haven't said it enough I truly love her again I should of married her sooner I regret that

[Dt8786]

But honestly thank you for your input I appreciate it

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm genuinely sorry for your dismay over how this worked out, and for your real regret.  (BTW, the word is "propose," not "purpose.")  But obviously by the time you stopped sitting on the fence about the issue, she was done with it.  

To a woman, even if someone lives with you for 9 years, it is no compliment to you if he doesn't want to marry you.  After a while, it translates as "you're good enough to sleep with but not to marry."  (Even if, after nine years, Mr. Friends With Benefits finally clears his throat and hints that he plans to "purpose" sometime soon.) If she hadn't been tired of it and still wanted to marry you and you had explained to her that you were intending to propose (really, why didn't you just propose instead of telling her you were planning to?  What a foot-dragger you were!) anyway, if she was still interested in marrying you, she would have waited, and instead she left.

It does not matter how aggrieved you feel about things like how short a time she knew the other guy, you have to stop reciting that as though it counts in terms of her leaving you.  She could also have married someone she knew since childhood and the effect would be the same on you -- she is married to someone else!  You have to decide, for you, whether or not to wait it out.  And if you do decide to wait it out, you have to get rid of the indignant tone when you talk about her behavior.  You have to stop reciting that you were just about to make your move and her mom knew and you lived together shorter than some others and other stuff.  What others do is not the thing, how she felt about you and the situation is the thing.  And you were too little too late.  

If you intend to wait, you have to wait without impatience and without even any hope.  (The phrase "True love waits" is well-known, and should be your mantra.)  Or else, decide not to.  Decide she must have been crazy and you don't want to be with someone who is crazy.  But what you DON'T do here is get in the middle of her marriage.  That is one for her to decide for herself, independently of you.  If you do truly love her, you will get out of her way and let her do that.

When your ex marries someone else, it's usually a big clue that it is over, for good.  In your case, possibly there is a really tiny glimmer of hope, depending on why she went for such a sudden marriage.  But the fact that she went so far with someone else, no matter what it suggests about the marriage or about her, does suggest that in regard to you, for her it really was over.  She probably will remain your friend, but she is likely not to want to marry you even if she breaks it off with her new husband.  You can wait, but what you can't do is instigate her leaving her marriage.  That would basically destroy all hope of you two having happiness together later.  All you can do is wait.

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  This is hard for you, I can tell.  However, this is a hot mess.  She is now married.  No, you should not try to get a married woman back.  She may have made a bone head decision and irrationally married someone but that ALSO is a pretty big red flag that she's not a great fit for you.  For 9 1/2 years---  you could have made it work and gotten married if that was your intent.  But it didn't happen.  You have to really be honest about this and realistic regarding things with her.  Sometimes after so long together, it's like a shock to be without that person permanently.  Once you get over this shock and feeling of trying to cling to the past, you will feel better and be able to look at this more objectively.  From where I'm sitting, this has so much baggage that it would not be in your best interest to go backwards and be with her again.  PLUS, now she has to dump another man, get divorced, etc. and it's just all so messy, you are so much better off trying to find a better fit for yourself for a life partner.  I know it is hard because you've got internal struggle.  When something is ending, it's not uncommon that even if it is bad, we resist this change.  But this change sounds like one that might allow you to find a less complicated partner that you have a more peaceful life with.  good luck