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What is it when someone is a hypochondriac for other people?

I tried posting this under anxiety, but got no responses other than someone claiming my mother-in-law is dangerous and should be cut off with my children.

This is a real question. It's not Munchausen by proxy, as that's a form of child abuse. It's not Vulnerable Child Syndrome, as that is more like not putting your middle schooler in sports because he was a premature infant. It's not Illness Anxiety, because that is more worry for one's self than others.

My mother-in-law is a very devoted and loving wife, mother, grandmother. But it is like she believes everyone she loves is far more vulnerable to illness and injury than others. It is not Munchausen by proxy. She is not injuring anyone or causing illness to anyone.

But she took her kids to many psychiatrists as children. They all were diagnosed with at least one diagnosis. DH was diagnosed with ADD, schizoaffective disorder, and bipolar disorder. She sought the ability to have him made her permanent dependent because she was worried he wouldn't "launch" into adulthood, but that she wouldn't be able to get him therapy easily like when he was a kid. She didn't get it, he instead went to college, got his Bachelor's, and makes six figures at a high stress job, managing other people. He was fine living independently. But she was always very worried about him.

My brother-in-law, she got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety. He is also a college graduate. He's a homeowner. Well respected in his community. He does not make a lot of money, but went a social welfare route.

My Father-in-law, she worries so much about him. She is always worried he is going to die soon. He is in his early 50s. He has been diagnosed with cognitive degeneration. He saw specialists at Stanford. For sure he has had at least one seizure. It is possible that he has epilepsy and has had silent seizures in addition to the one known seizure. But, she cries and worries every moment is her last with him, she thinks he's terminally ill.

She worries constantly about my kids. She's worried I was bipolar or had schizoaffective disorder. She's worried my eight year old had schizoaffective disorder. She's worried my kids had allergies. She started giving Benedryl to my two year old to treat allergies he did not have until we found out and said not to. She will worry they are lactose intolerant and buy them special milk even though they drink regular milk at home and are fine. She also worries they are picky eaters, like saying she has to buy small curd cottage cheese or else the kids won't eat it, but they don't notice curd size no matter what. Lots of little things like that, assigning food needs and pickiness to my children that they don't have.

I always make sure to cut the kids' nails before we see her because she cuts their nails otherwise, and has bandaged them, saying their nails were bleeding because they ripped or were ingrown, but they were not ingrown. I let her keep one of my kids because she was worrying about my father-in-law only having so much time left, even though he's fine. I am careful not to stick q-tips in the kids' ears since their doctor says nothing smaller than an elbow, but she cleans their ears with qtips all the time and always worries they need their ears cleaned. She was sure she'd punctured my daughter's ear drum. My daughter was fine, so I wanted to just take her home. My mother in law owns a lot of medical equipment, so she has an otoscope and she saw blood in my daughter's ear. No one else saw it. She was beside herself and apologetic and certain she had hurt her, that it was her fault. I went to the E.R. to calm my mother-in-law's fears. Sure enough, no blood. Her ear was fine.

She also exaggerates. Like if a baby spit ups and that baby is her grandchild, she'll worry the baby vomited. With poop, she worries it's diarrhea. When the diaper isn't dirty, she worries the baby's constipated.

We once let her watch all the kids. She worried they had strep, took them to urgent care and got them prescriptions for antibiotics. She told us they had strep. We called the urgent care. It turns out she'd said she was their legal guardian, and they really got diagnosed with pharangytis... sore throats. The doctor gave her antibiotics because she was so worried it was more than that and she'd have to take even sicker kids back in to get the medicine they needed. We took the kids to the pediatrician. They didn't have strep, both the rapid test and longer lab test were negative. We never gave the kids the antibiotics.

She never seems to be doing this for attention. She actually backs off a lot and let's my husband and me take over, seems relieved about us taking over. I do not think she wants to worry, that it makes her very uncomfortable. And when we take over, she doesn't have to worry. But that's only with the kids.

Her parents are alive and she worries a lot that they are going to die. They are in their 70s and fine.

Just a lot of worry. Worry, worry, worry.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, here is the thing.  My older son has a developmental delay.  He was diagnosed in the preschool years.  I watched him struggle and yet overcome challenges.  My heart ached and soared for him altering back and forth between any given day.  My son now is a 4.0 student with tests scores on state's tests that result in our being sent letters bout his being in the top 1% of the state in every subject.  He has two high school credits going into 9th grade next year and is taking his first AP college credit class as a freshman.  He is a runner at a high level.  He placed third in our conference for the mile run in track and was met by his new high school cross country coach last week knowing all about him before practices even started.  He is a top chair in band and wins solos.  So much success.  But still a developmental delay and things that I worry about constantly for him.  

So, I wonder if your mother in law's worry is not based on her children's success but the struggle of their youth?  I know that I may always be worried about my son.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

Because reality is, multiple kids evaluated by multiple psychiatrists coming up with diagnosis probably indicates they had some challenges as kids.  There couldn't be a conspiracy between her and the doctors, right?  Something was going on triggering mental health concerns.  Having tremendous success does not negate that my son suffers significant anxiety within and has tics.  Being accomplished has not made him feel inner turmoil and chaos that I worry about.  Right?

So, then we also have to keep in mind the resilience of kids and early intervention.  My son was taught coping skills and given tools TO BE successful by the therapy and help he had in his younger years.  I handed my son a book to read TODAY that I had picked up about using mindfulness to turn anxiety into energy.  

I also had a kooky mother in law.  My husband is convinced he had ulcers as a child.  When my other in law died, she was a pack rat.  She kept everything!  She had his childhood medical records in a drawer.  I found . .  I kid you not . . . where the doctor wrote in his chart, mother adamant he has peptic ulcers but there is no evidence of this.  OMG.  My husband never wants to take ibuprofen or NSAIDS and says "I have ulcers".  We've been married 20 years.  He's never had an ulcer!  I also had her tell me she was allergic to dairy.  Which is a serious thing.  As I watched her make a smoothie using skim milk . . . with no reaction.  She eagerated too.  

While odd, it was just her.  The issue with sore throats and strep . . . I have been convinced my son had strep, had tests done and nope.  It CAN be confusing especially as my kids rarely have gotten fevers with strep.  They get headaches and nausea.  Weird pattern!  Anyway, doctors hand out antibiotics to so many folks who come in because they want something.  This is how a really sub par Z pack was born.  Adults get this all the time and it is virtually useless to most bacteria. Part of my job at one tine was providing materials to doctors to give patients to convince them that no treatment was best.  It's a tough sell for doctors a lot of the time.  Maybe your mother in law wanted her time with your kids to be enjoyable without their riding out a virus.  Like the vast majority of folks who go the doctors.  Maybe she did jump the gun to go, I will say.  And I think when it is someone else's child, you ask the parents!!  She should have done that.

I'd set up with her that no medical visits can take place without your consent ever.  Ignore her advice if you feel it's bogus or outright nuts.  And let the childhood stuff with her own kids go.

And remember this . . . under HER upbringing, her kids seem to have become very successful as adults.  good luck
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7 Comments
My brother in law never had any struggles in his youth. He was kind of ignored, I guess. My mother-in-law moved away from my father-in-law to follow my husband to college, to make sure my husband was okay. She took my brother-in-law with her to that state. Then once she was convinced my husband was doing okay, she moved back to my father-in-law and left my brother-in-law behind even though he was still a minor and not graduated from high school. So, it wasn't until my brother-in-law was an adult and my husband was doing well that my mother-in-law started worrying my brother-in-law was bipolar. I don't know why so many psychiatrists took her word that my husband had hallucinations. They moved fifteen times over the past 30 years, though, so I know some of it was the confusion of "This is what they said he had in Kansas, but this is what they said he had in Missouri, and this is what they said he had in Texas, and this is what they said he had in Florida, but then in California they said he just had a lot of anger from moving all the time, and maybe had adjustment disorder but nothing that hadn't resolved on its own by choosing to live in the same place now that he's an adult. My husband did say not to take the kids to the doctor without us. He ended up apologizing to her over the whole thing, though because it really hurt her feelings and my father-in-law said he wished we wouldn't speak to his mother like that.
I should say, my brother-in-law got diagnosed with anxiety pretty young, and he does have that for sure. His dad's deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan were more obviously tough on him than my husband. I don't want to say it wasn't tough on my husband, but he claims to not remember anything, whereas his younger brother remembers a lot and talks often of it.
Well, I guess what I"m wondering is why the deep analysis of her.  If you don't want her involved in anything related to medical situations with your kids, that's an easy fix by not allowing it and setting up a firm boundary ad you almost don't have to say anything.  She comes to things that you or your spouse are present at only.  No alone access to the kids for any length of time.  Her exaggerations and such about herself are her quirks.  We all have quirks.  She's a little odd, I'll give you that.  But she, like a lot of people, was probably trying to be a good parent with her own personal deficits.  And I promise you that there are things in the childhood that happened long before you that you don't know about.  Who knows if there were troubles that no one speaks of,  really.  That would not be unheard of.  

Whether she gets upset or not, you can have a boundary.  Perhaps she isn't the caregiver for your kids when you go away.  My in laws ever watched y kids.  I made other arrangements. You don't have to hurt her feelings to just not allow her that access.  You are adults now and can have her as involved or not involved as you like.  :>)  

But you spent the first portion of your post letting us know how successful her kids are.  And they do not sound damaged or hurt by this.  I'd try not to make a family issue.  You are probably just curious and need somewhere to talk about it and that is what we are for.  It's okay to wonder.  I thought my mother in law was a bit of a kook myself.  But after time, I just found it all interesting.   Try not to talk to your spouse about it too much.  Talk to your girlfriends about it instead.  Then you aren't insulting someone your partner loves.  You know?  I learned that the hard way with my mother in law.  Even if my husband agreed with me, it hurt to have me point out her flaws of rail on her.  good luck
specialmom, this mother-in-law is going to move in with them. It won't be possible for the poster to not allow her access.
moving in is not a good idea.  Obviously.  And that may be the panic.  And rightly so.  She's going to have to step up and put the end to that notion no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Yes, they are going to move in with us soon. I guess the "deep analysis" comes from my husband and his brother talking a lot about her now that their dad got diagnosed with cognitive degeneration. My husband has thought about calling his dad's doctors and letting them know he thinks it is prudent to pay more attention to his dad's version of his symptoms than his mom's version of his dad's symptoms. But he asked me what it was that he suspected she had, because he didn't think it had a name. And I tried searching for this, and I couldn't find a name, either.
Try looking up "factitious disorder." And see a therapist to describe her and see if the therapist has an idea of the name. She is running a number on everyone and while it might not be harmful, it might actually be harmful to be told all the time that one is ill or going to die.
134578 tn?1693250592
You might look up factitious disorder. Not all Munchausen sufferers will go to the extent of harming the child.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1693250592
Well, she is certainly phobic, and seems to almost get a major confirmation if the people she assigns illnesses to are even slightly sick. In my world, when someone constantly worries that their spouse is going to drop dead, it is because they secretly wish the person would drop dead (or at least be gone) and this is their way to punish themself for such thoughts. Or, even though you keep saying it is not Munchausen by Proxy because she is not harming people, it could be a form of it. After all, she is probably scaring them to death. What does her own mom or dad say about it? Has she always been this way? I would certainly talk to a professional therapist about it just to know how to handle it when she does things like take the kids to the ER and lie and say she was their guardian.
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1 Comments
I've never met her parents, but there's been a number of times she's hopped on last minute flights and told us they were terminally ill, but then years later they are still fine and living independently. When my husband talked to them, they told him they were fine. She's always said my father-in-law was her best friend and behaved very lovingly toward him. And my brother-in-law said she used to go nuts with worry when their dad was deployed, needing a lot of comfort and reassurance from him.
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