What to say when asked, When was your last relationship? :(

[calmshell]

I've never really HAD a relationship, even at 39. :( i've had severe abuse growing up, into adulthood. My self esteem has been near zero for many years. I feel inhuman some days... like how can a woman with so much abuse and who feels so unwhole, be worthy of LOvE? Be ENOUGH for someone...when I am nervous about even small social things.? :( So I've declined so many guys. A guy online recently asked me, When was your last relationship? Normally I might just bypass the question, but deciced to just say the truth. I said, 'I've never really had a love/bf.' And he was kind, but after that convo I didn't hear from him again. I do think he was at the site to find love, even though it's not a 'dating' site per se. And I don't KNOW that was the reason he didn't contact me again. But it may be. How can I answer in the future? Do I just simply say that, that I've not really HAD a relationship? Or is there another way to answer? I do feel so ridiculous. :/

[AnnieBrooke]

I second Auntiejessie in everything she said. Also, you aren't going to get a lot of interrogation about what your last relationship was from the average person. I've never been asked this question in my life. So it's not like you will have to fend off ignorant but well-meaning people asking this all the time.

I hope you do have a good counselor who can help you unpack this. I firmly believe even the worst of life damage can be eased if you have a good therapist or counselor to talk to. In my most stressful time in my life I think I could have gutsed it through alone, but the counselor I found made it all so much less lonely and helped guide my thoughts in practical and more upbeat directions.

[calmshell]

aww thank you Annie :) Hugg. I know some ask 'when was your last relationship?' just to get an idea if you date, or not etc. I 'Hope' he didn't get put off from me saying I've not really had a true love. I know 'I' wouldn't if a guy told me that.. it could be a myriad of reasons he has not found or been with someone yet. And it doesn't tell me what he CAN be, who he IS inside, and if we would be great together, based on his past only!! Yet I judge MYSELF thinking men will ditch me if they find out I don't have much dating experience. I mentioned to auntjessi, that I polled men at that site, Would you be ok with a woman not having much 'love' experience.? And almost all said no issue at all. It was very gratifying to see that, having come from feeling SO broken, feeling no esteem. And feeling I'm 'less' DUE to the abuse. That BECAUSE I'm nervous about many things (anxiety disorder), I'm less than other women that some men could date. I think I need to stop feeling I need to be it ALL for men. That's why I never date..b/c of that perfectionist fear, that if I'm not great, fun, pretty etc, then I'm letting them down, and I'm not ENOUGH for them. My mom would criticize my hair, my face, my Everything, daily and weekly. Scream at me for putting down a glass the 'wrong' way, and if I EVER had issues at school or with others, she'd take their side always. I felt wrong All the time. So i feel very vulnerable, dumb etc. (despite me graduating honors from college.) She 'd say, well I'm trying to see the issue from THEIR view. and put me down- instead of saying 'Yes, your view was right TOO'... as a MOTHER.  :(  It was just hell. Anyway I hope to find a good therapist, thank you. It's hard finding a right fit... most don't know what to say to the things I've told them about my past. But thank yOU SO MUCH for giving me hope that no matter what my past, I can STILL heal.  You are very, very kind friend.

[auntiejessi]

I think there are a couple of different things here.

The first is when to reveal personal info about yourself, right? For you, that question is a loaded one, and isn't just as simple as "my last relationship ended a year or so ago because we realized we wanted different things in life and parted on friendly terms".

For you, it's about past trauma, and revealing that to someone you barely know might not be a great idea, for your own protection.

So you can just say it's been a long time - which is the truth - or say something like, "you know, that's a really long story that I'd rather save for another time, but I assure you it's been long enough that I'm emotionally available for a new one", or whatever words feel comfortable to you. Then when you get to know them better, you can tell them more.

It might seem evasive or dishonest, but unless you want to do the life story conversation, that's what I'd go with.

The second issue here is how unworthy you feel. Everyone is worthy. Have you ever gotten counseling? Even if you have, you can get more. You have had a lifetime's worth of trauma, and you deserve to find peace. :)

[calmshell]

Thank you Auntjessi. Yes, I've said what you mentioned before to guys... 'It's been a long time!' but this time, I don't know why, I just chose to say the truth. Now, what is interesting is on that same site, I've polled guys, and asked, 'If a woman didn't have much dating experience, would you be ok with it ?' and many, of all ages answered Yes, there'd be no issue at all. That it would be fine and they'd even want to HELP the woman with her anxiety on dating. So maybe he just never wrote back for other reasons. But I just don't know for certain. I know he wanted to find love at the site in time. But I HOPE just because a woman said she hasn't really had a bf, wouldn't deter someone 'too' 'much. Especially that we had such a fun and light hearted convo. But, you're right, just saying a vague response might be best overall , for any of those few out there who MAY put a label on me, that I'm not 'experienced' or whatever else.  I have no i ll feelings.. it is his right. And again it may not be what I'm thinking! But I'll just say 'It's truly been a long time' or something to that effect and then if we DID get closer, could say 'You know I've never had a true bf. ' and explain the detail of it more, thank you Jessi  :)