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When u want to get married but the other person doesn't :/?

So, I am just over 40, My boyfriend is a yr older than me...In most things we get along great and seem to both really enjoy spending time with each other and doing things together. I have adult children from previous and he has an adult child with Down Syndrome from previous whom I love as my own.

Recently I started saying yknow...if we're gonna be together and stay together long term we should get married...I have been married once way too young only to divorce soon after and had really 2 long term relationships since then (& a couple short term ones in between). He was never married but with his ex 15 years (she passed away 5 years ago after a long health battle) He went on dates with 2 or 3 girls before I met him and then when we met it has just been him and I since...he wanted it to be official after we spent countless hours together and went on many dates...that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

He always called his ex his wife even though they were not married. His only committment issue in this relationship seems to really boil down to this...I never realized that this was going to lead to such a big no from him...he rarely says no to me about anything...He loves making me happy...which I love too of course...Not that we've never fought...we have...just petty stuff...But I brought up marriage  and he said "mayyyybeee" in his usual cute way with a smirk...that usually means yes...a couple months went by and I brought it up again...We've been together just over 2 yars now so I feel like we've had enough time to decide to stay or go...and I do not want to waste my time on someone who says he is committed 100% but his actions (this one BIG thing of not getting married) say otherwise...sigh...over the last few weeks Ive talked to him several times about marriage and each time he has said...we might...maybe...I even offered marriage living separately because I know we both have been single awhile and its an adjustment living with someone even though we practically did the first year and  ahalf...but I have begun to pull back because I feel like if its not leading further that there is no point in staying...Of course thats easier said than done...and now Im stuck with a descision to make because the other day he just finally outright said...I dont want to get married.

I am committed and I love you and I care about you but I dont want to get married his 2 big excuses I felt were the lamest things...#1 was "Its just a piece of paper" (Uh no its not) and #2 because of his disabled child (which I told him made no sense at all since I have loved him as my own these 2 years...and outside of giving him a shower have done everything else to help out and take care of him, take him places with me etc...built what I feel like is a great relationship with his son.

His family all love me...His mom calls me her daughter...sigh...idk what to feel but Im feeling heart broken...but trying to figure out if I should stay or go :(
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134578 tn?1693250592
Women write in on MedHelp often that they are living with someone and performing all the services of a wife, but the guy won't marry them and they are afraid to press the issue.  I don't get why they are afraid to press the issue!  Why not say what they want?  If that is what they want and he won't give it, they should be told so they can get out of a situation where they are basically being used for sex and as a housekeeper.  

This guy, at least, is not lying to her about his lack of interest in being married, a lot of guys just string the woman along for the free sex and services.  She is acting like she doesn't believe him.  She should believe him.  
Helpful - 1
2 Comments
A year ago, I might have felt differently about this issue. However, I have been in a relationship with a man for 13.5 years. We have 2 beautiful little girls together plus he has a daughter from a previous relationship (he was not married to her mother either as the mother was married to her 1st husband still at the time of birth). In the beginning, my man wanted us to marry but I said no. I had been married and divorced after I learned things about my 1st husband that I did not know until we lived together. So I told my man that I wanted to live together for a year to make sure we were fully aware of each others quirks before we married. He agreed. Only 1 year went by and we did not marry. When I mentioned it, he put it off saying he wanted us to be financially more secure so he could give me a decent wedding and future. I was totally in love with him and waited.4 years in, he told me that he did not believe in marriage because it was just a piece of worthless paper. That as far as he was concerned we were in a committed relationship and that should be enough. He said I needed to decide if I could live with him without that piece of paper or not because if I could not live without it then we needed to split up. If I wanted to be with him I had to accept we would never marry--more in love than ever--I agreed.  5.5 years in I discovered I was pregnant. He got mad and claimed I did it on purpose to trap him. I almost left him then but we eventually made up, had our child, and moved on. 12 years in, a second child was born.  13 years in is where it changed. I could not be on his insurance via his job because we were not married. My job does not offer insurance because it is contractual for 4 months at a time. Plus even the full time employees who have insurance have really high premiums and crappy insurance. In the past, he did not care if I had insurance because there were no major health issues for me to see a doctor on a regular basis. After our second child was born, I started having health issues which were lingering from the last pregnancy which was high risk due to advanced maternal age, diabetes, blood pressure, etc. Now I am forced to see a regular doctor but don't have insurance. It was costing us a fortune plus I was not happy with the 1 doctor who would see me without insurance. So finally without any prompting from me, my man said, "Well I guess we need to get married so you can be on my insurance and see a decent doctor regularly." We went to the court house (I did not have to prompt him for it but he chose the day to say let's go). After we were married, he said, "I know it does not make a difference to me but I know it made a difference to you. Do you feel different now? Do you feel married?" LOL He did not tell his family not even his mother. I asked him if he wanted to wear rings and he decided yes for rings. His mother found out when she saw us wearing rings. That is how little marriage meant to him though. His mother was married and divorced 3 times none of which was to his bio-father. His ex was married to her 1st husband when she had his first child. So to him marriage really was just a piece of paper easily broken by the women who were part of his early life. For many of us women, marriage does mean more. To us it means the guy loves us enough to claim us publicly. My advice (after the long story) is to decide, can you live with him without marriage forever? If so then stay. If not, then leave  now. You will make both of you miserable if you can not accept the possibility of never being married. If you accept that you may never be married and can live with it then stay with him. If he loves you, he shows you his love in other ways. My husband only married me because he did love me enough to provide me with his insurance coverage AND I did not ask or push for us to get married. If I had asked or pushed, he would not have suggested marriage when I needed the insurance because he would have been too use to fighting against my pushing for marriage.
I would suggest you discuss with him, get to know why he is not happy anytime you talk about marriage, better still, know the reason he says he is committed,..if he still say so am afraid you have to decide to stay or leave...

Wish u goodluck as u do
19 mins
134578 tn?1693250592
This guy has clearly said he does not want to be married.  You call his reasons lame but it doesn't matter if they are lame or great, he specifically and explicitly says he doesn't want to be married.  One person wanting to be married + another person not wanting to be married = not being married.  What are you going to do, tie him up and force him to say "I do"?  You sound like you think that if you disagree with him enough on this question, he won't feel the way he does.  I'll bet he feels right now like you are not hearing him.

All you can do is stay or go.  If you stay, you have to make your peace with the situation.  It sounds like you intend to stay and not make your peace with the situation but instead to grumble, grouse and line up reasons why you are a great couple who should be married.  That is not going to work and it isn't very adult either.  Either stay and like it, or go.

Sorry, but one person cannot unilaterally decide that a couple will be married.  It takes both.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
in this situation you should tell whats in your mind, if your partner is not ready for marriage then you should tell him that you will not be a burden on him and would help him in his work.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You too anniebrooke!  LOL I wanted to welcome tink back as I haven't seen her in a while but didn't mean to not leave kudos for you too!
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Tink---  always succinct and helpful!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal

I quote You:

"I do not want to waste my time".......

"on someone who says he is committed 100% but his actions say otherwise".

"I have begun to pull back because I feel like it's not leading further, that there is no point in staying"

I don't think your expectations are too high and I agree with you - follow your own convictions here and don't "waste your time"

Regards,
Tink
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm, not sure how I feel about this.  I DO think you have every right to express to him that this is very important to you and that he needs to judge and gage his reasoning for not marrying you against that.  If he were to apply a scale of 1 to 10 to his reasons and you would apply a 1 to 10 to yours, would they stack up and be equal?  If you are at a 10 for this being at the top of importance to you and it is expressed this way and his reasons were at a 5, 6, 7 or even up to a 9 . . .  I take that seriously to then have him think about if he can compromise.  

However, it's a question if you really want to be with a man who compromises with you in order to marry you.  I kind of want he dream myself of someone as into it as me.  

You have EVERY right to expect a man that you are thinking about being with long term and he is expressing that to you to marry you.  If he sticks to his guns, you need to think about your next move.  Is this a deal breaker?  If it is, then do not be afraid to act on it.  He may find that his reasons for not marrying you then--- NOT worth losing you over.  

You can't convince someone to marry you.  But you can work with your significant other to find a resolution that is going to work.  And when you can't, you part ways.  

So, this comes down to communication and you being VERY sure of your next step should he be firm about no marriage.  

Let us know what happens!  Here to help if we can.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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