Cheating spouse

[Puzzled83]

My boyfriend and I have been togeather for 6.5 years. I found out he was cheating on me in July of this year..I had suspisions all along, but it was not confirmed until then. I love  him and we have a 2 year old daughter togeather...But I am having a hard time with this... He swore his undying love to me and swears up and down it will never happen again..I'm so afraid it will though. I am 23 years old and he is 32...the girl he cheated with was 18...It went on for a year..He even had her stay at our house when I was out of state visiting family..Even right after Christmas ..He polluted out home, our bed, our family with this horrible deed...And if he really felt bad about it..then why did he continue to do for a year..I could never do this ..I even confronted him when I thought he was cheat, and he told me I was crazy..I had to get prozac...it was an awful time in my life.The girl said it has really been going on for 2 years not 1 year...We got married in an attempt to salvage things..He said he would commit suicide if I left.....I do love him and care about him..But everytime I look at him I see her(I knew her).I see his lies, and his disrespect for what I always held sacred..US. I am desperately trying to work things out..and I do believe him..I believe that he has changed for the better...But I don't know If I will ever feel the same about him again..I don't know If I will ever be able to forgive...All my friends and family live 2000 miles away..I am only surrounded by his acquantances.which I believe they were witness to some of his cheating.So I feel so alone.help??

[Angel22]

Hey girl. The best thing for you to do right now is go to be with your family. Take your daughter and go. A person who cheats on you is bad enough but a year long affair? Is that something you want to remember for the rest of your life waking up to him? Then for him to say he is going to kill himself is his way of being possesive and making you feel bad for his actions. No woman should ever be treated like that. In all honesty your trust, faith and love should be broken by now. You should step up and realize you deserve more and your daughter deserves more. It is good you have a supportive family....use them to get through this and thank god for the one good thing that did come out of the marriage.....your daughter.

[JoAnnaRF]

I agree with the above^^ poster that his attraction to such young girls is something you need to watch very closely. You were very young when you got together with him and now that you are older he has gone after another youngin. BE CAREFUL with your child. And if there is the tiniest of chances that he isn't who you think he is, then RUN!

[amythist2779]

I agree with the others. My ex husband was a cheater. I kept taking him back, he did the 'I will kill myself' thing too. We are divorced, and let me tell ya, hes still alive...Its a guilt thing.

The thing that disturbs me here is how young the women or 'girls'are that he is with. He was an adult male when you two got together, and then he cheated on you with an even younger one. I may be over reacting, but you said you have a daughter right? What if you don't know this man as well as you think you do and he harms your daughter sexually? Like I said, maybe I am over reacting, analyzing this, but its definatly something I would think about!!!

[RAWINA]

CHEATER WILL BE ALWAYS CHEATER. You will never change him. He is 32, married, has a family,yet, he didn't respect that!!!!He didn't think about his family when he did it with an 18 years old. He knew you love him enough that you won't leave. Just leave him. You don't want your daughter to grow up with a father didn't respect her mother.

[JC221]

I am deeply sorry to hear of this. To me, I still question how one can do such a thing to another--espicially to someone they supposably "loved" (in your case, which he truly did not)

Your still living with this "man" correct? If so, this is a key problem. If there is anyway possible to be seperated from this man, DO SO. You definately need space right now--your emotionally unstanble--you won't be able to fight this unless you regain your mental strength.

Counseling is another thing you should do--talking to someone knowing your identity will be anonymous can really relieve some stress--like these forums for instance.

I don't know your husband, but it sounds like he didn't mind cheating on you at all. He continued his heartless acts for an exeptionally long period of time. This act clearly states he has absolutely no respect for you or your daughter. If he loved you so much how could he have continued to carry on with the guilt of his act for so long? Please, make your piece and walk away from this "man".

The love you shared with him lies within your daughter now. Please take the gift you were given away with yourself and make a better life. It will only get worse being around him. It may hurt to talk about this--but its definately for the better.

Have you talked to your family about this at all? I'm sure they would do their best to get you out of there--have you considered that?

He says he will committe suicide if you leave? I dounbt he has the courage to do such a thing--not a "man" of his status. And about the custody, I'm not sure how that works but generally woman reap the benefits (correct me if I'm wrong) It may be hard on you and your daughter but in the long wrong it will clear a better path.

Make your piece, and leave. Times will be rough, but even more rough and longer if you stay. You don't want this do you? Good wishes be with you~

[ticked]

Seems like he likes younger girls.  Meaning he cant have a relationship with someone his own age because they see through him. Men like him prey on little girls because they can manipulate them, but not the ones his age.  He thinks that a younger girl will allow him to cheat and they will forgive him.  He in my opinion is a loser.  What I am not sure of is he cheated on you for at least 1 yr possibly 2 and you than married him??? Are you trying to hold onto him?  See how he has you?  Trust me no matter how much family you have, once you do leave him its hard being a single mom.  I am not sure if you will live on your own or with your family, but you need to be realistic about that fact as well. its not a walk in that park.. I have been there and i was 25 at the time.

[JoAnnaRF]

That means you were 17 when you started to date him? Is my math right? Now he has been with another girl that was underage? I see a PATTERN here. He likes them young. Run don't walk to the nearest exit!! I know in your mind it isn't that simple but believe me, take your child, climb on a plane and fly that 2000 miles home to your family. Once in their embrace you will find the serenity and strength you need to fight this. As for him threatening suicide.. Had a guy do that once, I told him I couldn't be with a child playing childish games and walked away. He DIDN'T kill himself. It is a game. And it is working on you. Don't let it. You are BETTER than this. Stronger than him. Do what is best for you and your child and get the heck away from that loser!
--J

[BABYGIRL2006]

once a cheater always after the first cheat and the person excepts them back the rest is easy because the cheatee becomes weak especially if they love the cheater

[sk2006a]

it doesn't sound like he's done anything to earn your trust.  he didn't have a one-night stand; he had a one or two-year affair, depending upon who you decide to believe.  if you feel you will never be able to trust him, is there any point in trying to save the marriage?  

the fact that she's even younger than you are may be a clue - he may have an attraction to very young women.  if she was 16 at the time, that's statutory rape in most states.  sailors wife is right - that would help you get sole custody.  you are still so young - certainly young enough to start over with somone who will treat you decently.

good luck.

[siren of the sea]

if you could prove he had sex with a minor you would get custody easy! if he does drugs or anything else illegal you would get custody. just something to think about.

[jen023]

oceans is right - most generally women do gain custody - yes, whether it's justified or not, that's the way it is. The problem might be moving that far away. I don't know much about it, but when my bro lost full custody to his ex, she wasn't allowed to move to a different state unless he signed permission or something like that. (Im sure it differs per state) Of course, our justice system sucks - and she somehow found a way to do it anyway. But, my point is - if you are planning on doing this, you might want to consult a lawyer and just see what kind of options you have. Custody is such a complicated thing anymore that it's always good to be prepared. Good luck to you - I hope it all works out... and don't listen to his threats of suicide - I agree that it's a last minute effort at keeping you - you have to think of YOU (and your child) first, not him.

[oceans3]

ok..sorry, my bad, i thought he was your BF. my feelinga are still the same with the exception that things may be a bit more complicated legally. you can get through this. unfortunately, there are probably more single moms and dads than married couples these days so "everybodys doin' it"....LOL!
do NOT buy into his threats of killing himself. that is his LAST ditch effort to try to keep you. he feels your strength and believes you could really leave. what else can he say now to try to keep you? "i will hurt myself" yeah, that's it. he wouldnt want you to get the satisfaction of keeping your girl if he was "gone"
i will probably catch hell for saying this and i am sorry but most woman get full custody of the child. whether or not its justified, it's usually the way. i would not worry about that. just take it one step at a time and cross that bridge when you come to it. you deserve to feel secure in your marriage and not worry whether or not he is being faithful. you have your child to worry about and NO time for this. post as often as you want/need. we'll be here!!

[jojo24]

I HAVE BEEN IN A SIMILAR SITUATION.  I WAS WITH A GUY FOR 5 YEARS AND I LOVED HIM SO MUCH BUT HE CHEATED ON ME ALL THE TIME AND I DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT A LOT OF IT UNTIL BEFORE I DECIDED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.  WE DID NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN TOGETHER.  BUT I DID THE SAME THING AND CHEATED ON HIM HOPING HE WOULD JUST DUMP ME SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO AND IT DIDN'T WORK.  IT ONLY OPENED HIS EYES TO THE FACT THAT HE WAS LOSING ME, BECAUSE I HAD BEEN FAITHFUL THROUGHOUT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP AND PUT UP WITH HIS **** AND HE TOOK ME FOR GRANTED.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR SITUATION.  HE KNOWS HE HAS IT GOOD WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU PUT UP WITH HIM AND IT SCARES ANY GUY TO THINK THEY MIGHT BE LOSING THAT.  THEY WANT THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO.  HE GOT COMFORTABLE THINKING YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO LEAVE HIM SO HE DID WHAT HE WANTED TO DO THINKING THAT YOU WOULD STAY AND FORGIVE HIM.  IT WAS WRONG OF HIM TO THREATEN SUICIDE IF YOU LEFT HIM AND I DON'T THINK IT'S AN ACTUAL ISSUE OF HIM DOING IT, BUT HE'S TRYING TO CONTROL YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY IF YOU LEAVE HIM.  DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.  AND AS FAR AS YOU TWO GETTING MARRIED TO SALVAGE THE RELATIONSHIP, WHAT DID THAT CHANGE?  DID THINGS GET BETTER WHEN YOU SAID I DO?  YOU ARE STILL IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS BEFORE, BUT NOW IT'S EVEN HARDER TO GET OUT OF BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THE LEGAL STUFF.  MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF AND TAKE A BREAK FROM HIM.  GO VISIT YOUR FAMILY FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THINK ABOUT WHETHER YOU'D BE HAPPIER WITH THE GRIEF AT HOME OR BY YOURSELF WITH YOUR CHILD WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING BEHIND YOUR BACK.  BEST OF LUCK TO YOU, SWEETIE, I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

[Puzzled83]

We are married..we weren't at the time I discovered his infidelity. His relationship with this girl ended in May of 2006. I found out about"for sure" in July 2006. I'm not afraid to get divorced and I am not afraid to be a young single Mom...I know my family will be there to give me love and encouragement...I guess I'm just so afraid to make a mistake..Isn't that pittiful...I'm afaraid he is going to steal my youth from me and just do it again in later years....I tried to break thing off before, and he threatened to kill himself...He has also said in the past that if I try to leave he will seek custody of our daughter...She is my whole world.If I was to leave... I would be moving 2000 miles away from where I am currently at...It's not an easy or cheap move...I hate to say it..because it sounds so cliche' but I am in over my head...All I ever wanted was a family...I am so confused...Awwwwwwwwww!!!! Thanks for all the advice. I really do appreciate it...I can't talk to anyone about this...and it's been eating me up...It helped to get it out.

[oceans3]

sorry but neither one of you wants this relationship.
6 years is a long time to be with someone and enough time to develop that comfort/routine/structure we all like with one another. it just feels safe and secure. however, he took all that away from you and more. your relationship has reached a point when you both need to go your seperate ways.
my OPINION...i don't see this working at all. i know you have a child in common together but you are not married so thats a plus there. dont waste another 6 years. use this past 6 yrs as experience and you got a daughter out of it. think of it this way, he has had sex with this teenager in your house, in your bed???? thats the lowest of lows! the real lowest of the lows is that he was with her probably during your pregnancy and when your baby girl was 1. that hurts the most. i just feel like everything is tainted now. im getting all pissy ass now so i need to cut this short before i go off.
i hope you are strong enough to go. dont believe any more of his lies. its a pattern. he will swoon you until the cows come home and when you are all safe and sound and not looking/suspecting anymore, he will seek her out again or if she has moved on, he will find someone else. BE STRONG GIRL!!!! be an example for us gals will ya?

[siren of the sea]

one of the things that concerns me is he is 32 and she is 18 and their relationship had gone on for 2 years? kinda dangerous. only YOU can decide what to do. sparkler summed it up very well. good luck you have quite a journey ahead of you.

[sparkeler]

It sounds like you are comfortable w/him and affraid to leave.  But I am doubting that you are inlove with him anymore.  I think you should look in to counseling.  You need to figure out what it is you feel and put things in to perspective.  I know it's tough, but things and feelings change.  When someone hurts you very badly, it's hard enough to forgive and even harder to forget.  You need time alone to figure this out.  If you cant go on a vacation to visit your family, then start looking for therapists.  Good luck!  Do what's best for you and what will ultimatly make YOU happy.

[Puzzled83]

Has anyone ever been through anything similar????I knew he would never let me go...so I ran into an old boyfriend when visiting my family and had a one night stand..then told my bf...in an attempt for him to just let me go....He didn't ..he got even more obsessed with "us". I know it was an immature and dangerous thing to do...I regret it.....I just felt so betrayed by my bf and I needed tobreak away...or at least I thought I did.... I don;t know what to do..I am still so hurt..I am insecure since this has happened....I hate the way I feel..I am normally a very sweet ,giving happy person..I feel so hurt, hollow,fake,insecure and bitter right now...I need advice...