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Why did our friendship end ?



This is about a betrayal, a friendship gone terribly wrong, which caused a lot of trust issues within me and I need advice. Please bear with me.

I met this girl at a summer job last year and we clicked. I was her boss and took her under my wing. We started going out with mutual friends and got close. From the beginning she began confiding in me about her past. Abusive parents, sexually assaulted by family member, feeling lonely etc. I started developing this obsession where I want to fix her and make her happy. One day she told me "I think I've a crush on you. Is it weird?" She had a boyfriend at the time (we're both girls) so I laughed it off. Another time she said "I'm falling for you." I never took that seriously or in a bad way. We had a fight that lasted for a month and then we made up. She started to   invite me over to her house while her parents slept. We would smoke and cuddle in her bed, then she'd sneak me out by morning. One day before I was about to leave, she kissed my forehead and said she loves me. Then she leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose and giggled and said "I want my kiss."
We'd cuddle and talk and play fight and even press our foreheads together. It didn't feel right. I had a history of dysfunctional friendships but I felt happy with her. Then one day her mom walked in on her leaning on me on her bed. Her mother called her disgusting and slapped her and beat her with the remote infront of me. I knew her parents were abusive and that's why I wanted to protect her cause I went through the same.

She travelled back for college and would call me everyday and we speak for hours at night. She always tells me she misses me and my cuddles, and how much she adores and loves me. How safe and comfortable she felt with me Sometimes she sends me revealing photos/videos of herself lip-syncing. And once when we video called she was only wearing a bra and sweats.
Then we argued because her boyfriend (who she has a rocky relationship with) thinks I'm a bad influence on her, to which I said that I'll be away from her. She kept calling and left me a message* "If you leave me my life will be screwed up. You're so special to me, you're my entire world. We cannot be apart I can't live without you". She told me she feels her bf is cheating on her and she doesn't feel the same way she used to. And then she broke up with him.

One night my mother kicked me out of the house and I spoke to her. I told her I had 2 months to find a full time job and I was going to apply for cabin crew. She told me she was miserable there as she was not working nor studying. She then had an idea; to travel with me abroad to a new college and move in together. She was worried about the finances bc her parents weren't supporting the decision. At that time I was working on part time projects as a marketing/event manager and I was saving. So I promised her that I will take care of her flight ticket and our dorm.
She was anxious for me to apply and we both got in (I got a scholarship). She had all these plans and dreams for us.
We used to speak everyday for hours on the phone. Few days later she told me she had a dream where we were fighting and then I kissed her lips. She said it felt good and "may become a reality when we move in together."

When we got there, We would fight from the beginning. I struggle with BPD and an alcohol addiction. I was angry at her for being irresponsible and careless about her studies. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me. One night when j was drunk I kissed her on her neck and she didn't pull away and pull me in closer. Few days later she twisted the story. She then suddenly claimed that I tried to kiss her lips when I was drunk. Then she asked me if I had feelings for her to which I replied No, I love you as a friend. Then we decided she should move out and live with another friend. Anyway it got worse. She had told me to go kill myself  (knowing I had attempted once, and she had taken care of me). She began taunting me and using my abusive parents against me. Angry, I grabbed her by the neck and was going to strangle her, we fought physically and she began screaming for help.  cops got involved and the uni began a disciplinary hearing against me.

We sat down to speak once after the police incident. I had secretly paid for her monthly tuition installment and she asked me why. I said because I wanted her to focus on her education and to live her life happily the way she deserves. A few days later,  She said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend."

For the next 2 months it was a push and pull game. I'd get drunk, chase her and try to fix it, she'd push me away and say she needs space if we were to fix it. I'd order her food when I knew she didn't eat, I'd leave groceries out her room, and she would accept it. She was acting bipolar. For 1 moment we would be okay. she'd say "I think I loved you too much that's why I hate you now." Or "I was sick the other day at the hospital and I wish it was you who was there with me." Then she'd abruptly start a fight out of nowhere, when she sees me with boys, and accuse me of speaking behind her back (though she knows that was not true) .

One day I accepted it was over I gave her a teddy to say goodbye. An hour later, she ended up going out with me and another friend to a jazz bar. (She doesn't drink btw). She got a little dizzy at the end, and held onto me for support. She asked me to stay the night with her if i wanted and wrapped her arm around me. We ended up cuddling her and sleeping next to her in her new room. We had another major fight after that (from her side) and I found out that She's also been going around and talking badly behind my back to boys especially, saying I was gay or obsessed with her, also spilling my secrets that I had trusted her with in addition to twisting them. I also found out that before she got close to me, she went and told mutual friends that I liked her. The top of it was, she reached out to my ex-bestfriend, the man who had sexually abused me and almost raped me, to extract information. She was the second person I ever confided in about this). She also called me a sl*t and said I lied to her because I "wanted it from him".

After all the problems she caused me, I left uni to go back home (3 wks before the end of the sem.) I lost the scholarship and have been suspended for a month. She kept calling me for the next few days, blocking and unblocking. She told me she was going back to her ex to get engaged because they love each other (but again I found out that was a lie as he had left her). She compared me to him "he may have cheated on me but at least he didn't lay a hand on me". She said how she had chosen me over him twice, and how she hated everyone because of me and can't trust anyone and that she'd return my money and clothes. The last thing she said was that we were both toxic for each other and to take care.
It's been 2 months, she blocked me off everywhere except FB. She hasn't made contact, though she asks a mutual friend whether I've spoken about her. I also know she still wears my clothes that I left with her, and also the ones I had bought her,  and hasn't made an effort to return mine at least. She also speaks bad of me whenever she gets a chance.

From my side I did love her and care for her as a friend and I had a soft spot bc we had been thru similar things. (I'm an only child). We knew everything about each other and I kept her secrets and just wanted to help her.

I've accepted that the friendship is toxic but I want to try to understand why she's caused all this. I feel a part of me will always care of her. And I felt happy with her
2 Responses
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Timing and confusion i think is what ended your relationship. It sometimes  takes years of living and evolving to be MATURE enough to enter into a relationship- be it friendship or romantic interest.  Sounds like there's confusion about sexuality as well,  which is no small thing. This girl talked negatively about you behind your back which suggests she's not yet capable of true friendship - and that has nothing to do with you, or how much you invested in your friendship. It might be that all the cuddling etc. was confusing to her. It sounds like she felt like the obsessive nature of your friendship burnt her out -(when she said that she loved you too much and then not at ll). Simply too much obsession and emotion attached to the friendship making  for fights like juveniles have in their early relationships, because of too many hormones firing and not enough inner peace and stability within as a foundation for a mature friendship/relationship.

What we do in our life , is to use  our experiences to mature so you can and will use this relationship to learn 'n grow. That's life and it's not an easy road getting to full maturity, but when you do, and your love interests and friendship interests also work out, it's well worth the trip.

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Complicated.  I think this was a very odd friendship and not what 'normal' friendship was like, even from the beginning. You treated her like a girlfriend and gave her mixed signals.  I don't kiss my friend on the neck, lips, or cuddle with her.  That's really not friendship.  You were either also deep down sexually attracted to her or using her for your own comfort or to fill a void you had. That's my opinion.

You were overly attached to her, she overly attached to you.  It never seemed like a very healthy thing for either of you.  

If you are wanting a significant other, choose one but be honest with yourself and them about it and leave this girl alone. She's got a lot of problems and frankly, it sounds like you have a lot to work on too.  Alcoholism is progressive and if it is something are struggling with as well as mental health issues, make sure you are making those your priority.  AA meetings, a therapist and medication if a doctor prescribes it.  This is really important for you as someone who tells us you have tried to commit suicide and clearly can get really wrapped up in things that are not good for you emotionally.  

I wish you the very best and hope you see a therapist soon.  
Helpful - 0
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