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Why would he be acting like this towards me?

I started dating this guy about 3 months ago. We met online and ended up meeting in person. Things went very well, we were very open and honest about everything, our expectations etc. We hit it off right away... one of those "we connected and has immediate chemistry" from the beginning. Almost a too good to be true situation. He was divorced and so was I. So we had that in common as well. We never fought or argued about anything, we actually joked about what it would be like if we ever disagreed. Feelings were developing quickly and strongly. Then, he told me about how he was going to relocate after he was finished with his Master's (a year and half away) out of the blue. It was very hard for him to tell me this but it was the decision he made and he knew I wasn't going to be able to relocate because I have two kids. So, long story short.... we decided to part ways because ultimately there was an end date. He almost begged to continue to be friends and stay in my life. He wanted to continue to see me and hang out, but just on a friendship level. I told him I needed time to get past the hurt and when I was ready I'd reach out, but I just needed some time because this was all very unexpected. A few days later I reached out to him.... and he was VERY cold-hearted, said he didn't even want to be friends. That it was best to part ways. After he reassured that I could reach out at any given moment when I was ready. Why? What happened? This is a side of him I never even knew.... This is not like him at all. We didn't even things on a bad note, it was just sad.
5 Responses
207091 tn?1337713093
Maybe this is his way of protecting himself - he gets mad instead of hurt.

Maybe this is his way of processing hurt - he lashes out.

Some people don't handle what they perceive as rejection well, or handle disappointment well.

Likely, you won't ever know, and it seems like that's okay. He is showing you a part of himself that you need to pay attention to in case he ever contacts you again. Until this happened, it was all sunshine and rainbows, so you didn't see this side of him.

Now you have, and it's a huge red flag. He's showing you who he is. Believe it.

134578 tn?1546634665
His plan to leave for another place when he is done with school has probably been with him since he came to school, or, at least, he was not shutting the door to getting  work wherever it can be found once he graduates. (The job market being what it is, that is only pragmatic of him.)

You and he saw each other for about three months and had a good time, but feelings developing "quickly and strongly" and never arguing, didn't translate into specific long-term plans being made.

It also sounds like possibly once he figured out that you were beginning to cherish hopes for the long term, he felt he should tell you he intends to move away after school ends. Maybe he should have mentioned it sooner, but maybe he was enjoying things, too. I give him credit for not stringing you along  (by implying he was going to stay in your town after graduation) for the whole 21 months.

Anyway, learning his plans to move shocked and hurt you. At this point, he probably felt bad that things were ending with you feeling hurt and dumped, so he asked to stay friendly. (This was probably to reassure himself that he hadn't hurt you). You turned this down, which (after the fun three months) probably felt to him like a slap in the face. Then you reached out only a few days, but he took this coolly.

The enjoyable three months didn't change his intention of leaving once he has his master's degree. Given that he didn't upend his career plans to stay with you at all costs -- accept it, he is leaving in 18 months. Don't waste time thinking that somehow if you only understood why he is behaving coolly, you can get back to the fun you were having in the past three months. It sounds like that ship has sailed unless you only want to have casual fun for the next year and a half and then say goodbye.
1 Comments
I guess I'm saying, he was being honest and you acted so hurt that you didn't want to be friends any more. Maybe he took that as punishment for being honest. He's probably hurt or annoyed.

In any case, it does sound like you won't be able to go anywhere with the relationship, since it has no long-term future and you don't sound like you are interested in a relationship with only a short-term future.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ah, sorry to read this for you.  It sounds like it has been painful.  Love hurts is such a rotten thing to have be true.

Maybe he was worried that not only you had feelings but he did too and he doesn't want to get distracted from his ultimate plan.  And the few days of your kind of taking a break cleared his head to realize it.  In reality, you two weren't going to 'be just friends' before he left.  You still had feelings.  He either did or didn't.  And just being friends with feelings like that is never a good situation.  

I'm sorry this happened.  Dating is a rough thing sometimes.  And sometimes the circumstances just can't work out.  I would not allow him to get lonely and try to reconnect with you either.  Now it's your turn to be sensible knowing there is no future and trying to maintain a relationship with him under the guise of friendship will just lead to more hurt than you already have.  Hang in there.  hugs
3060903 tn?1398568723
I wonder, had you known that he was likely moving in a couple of years, whether you would have gotten involved? I think that him not telling you of his intensions from the beginning is wrong of him. Lying by ommission is still lying and i question his ethics. Even though you had fun, I think if it were me, and there was any more contact I would voice my opinion that I thought his choice not to be upfront in the beginning, shows poor judgement and lack of ethics on his part. I would tell him that he owed me an apology.
2 Comments
I guess it's a tough position to be in - to know that you're only going to be around for a finite amount of time,  but still want to date, knowing that it would be a red flag for pretty much any woman (why fall in love when there is no future?) I think that's why he wasn't honest in the first place, and so i think that his circumstances that he cannot really alter (his imminent moving) have made him turn into a man that omits the truth, and that has probably caused him alot of anxiety, perhaps it's the first times he's ever felt he's had to fudge the truth in a relationship in order that he not be lonely -  I think he's embarrassed that he led a woman on, especially a single mother with two kids...  and i don't think that he would look forward to have to revisit the lie and the hurt he caused you over coffee, or meeting up for lunch.  The fact is he did something that he's likely not proud of and probably wants to distance himself from the guilt.
Life is about learning and now you know that if you date someone still in school, there is a good possibility that they may move on without you. On the other hand, this could happen at any time with someone being transferred with little notice, or a promotion that meant moving.  I'm sorry you're in pain and hope you get over this and move on to someone that has no intention of moving.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sure hope you are doing okay.  Hope to see you again soon around the forum.
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