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Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?
117 Responses
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14552765 tn?1435121516
You are so right.  In the early part of our marriage, my husband made it look like he was listening and compromising from the heart.  Later he admitted that maybe he stopped doing one thing only to do the same behavior in a different way, i.e., delete one dating profile only to create a different one with a different email address.  All hidden and done behind my back. All the while feeding his ego with the attention of other women. He recently emailed pictures of a woman in explicit photos to himself from one of these private accounts. He doesn't see that he did anything wrong. I feel that he disrespected me and our marriage. I stopped wearing my ring. If I mean so little to him, then why live a lie and allow others to believe that I am happily married.
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Avatar universal
I have been dating my boyfriend for seven years.

Recently, I found out that he was dating a girl for a bit about two years ago for a whole year and a half on and off when we were at a rocky stage in our relationship.

At that time, I had just moved back in to his place and he had started a business with a friend. He was really stressed at the time, nothing was going his way and he had spent an ungodly amount of money on this new business. The man was a nervous wreck and always stressed about money.

About 4 months after moving in, I moved out because he was confused and seemed as though he needed space. I had found out that he had lied to me about a person in his phone who had been contacting him. He had said it was one person, when it was really another. I was very angry at him because he had NEVER LIED to me before, but he told me that if he had originally told me who it was, I would have been mad and blown things out of proportion.  I moved out with my daughter to my parents for 3 months, then came back home. We never really had a clear cut conversation about what our relationship was, but we were still sleeping together and acted as we did before. For about a year or so, though, things were really rocky. He would easily get annoyed with me and just seemed unhappy with himself and life in general. I thought it was more with himself and the business that was failing…nothing to do with me.

Fast forward another year….things have been great OR at least I thought they were. We seemed to have a really good thing going. We made time for each other, had fun together when we could, made love, have family time with my daughter. IT seemed like we were getting this whole family thing down pat. Everything seemed hunky dory, until a woman contacted me via Facebook and said that she just needed to “get to the bottom of things”. She knew me as my boyfriend’s ex and she was just wondering if that’s really what I was.

To make an extremely LONG story short, I ended up calling the girl. She basically told me it took a lot of courage to contact me and she said that she had dated my boyfriend for a bit. From what I gather, it looked like it was a relationship that lasted a year to a year and a half….on and off maybe….They didn’t really see each other all that much. However, though, about 6 months ago, they went on a break, but very recently he had contacted her about missing her etc. They also within the last two months saw a movie together and he kissed  her after when they were in the parking lot. I also believe that they may have had sex within the past six months. I don’t know really. The girl was very fuzzy on the dates of things. She said that she felt used and stringed along.

He however, said that it seriously had started out with them being friends and texting. Come to know, the person who he had lied to me about previously was this chick. Then when we hit that rough time, they started talking more and more and things started to develop. He felt as though when he was with her, he could get away from all the ******** he was dealing with at home. He would just go over to her place and do menial things, nothing spectacular. He said it was nice to get away from all the chaos that was going on in his real life. But I know that they had sex. According to the girl “a lot”. All the sweet things he said to her, he really just sort of is brushing them under the rug like he didn’t mean them.

Basically, now I am at a standstill. My boyfriend has never lied to me until this point in time. He is or was a trust worthy person and I prided him always on being loyal and not a cheater. Even his friends and family were shocked that he would or could do something like this.

My thing is, why did he allow me to move back in when he was seeing someone else. That were at least two other times during the course of the past two years, he could have broken things off with me and it wouldn’t even have been his fault.
I mean if he wanted to be with this girl, why didn’t he leave me for her?

I am not angry about the situation necessarily.  I only get angry once in a while about it when I go back and look at the proof she sent me of their relationship. Like the pictures they took together or recent text messages. You might as well of photo shopped my head in there because it was like seeing myself with him, not some other girl.

I am just hurt, confused, and feel completely side swiped by this. The more I read about cheating, the more it seems as though it’s so common place in this day and age. You can’t trust anyone and the temptation to go outside what you have is very strong.

I just need advice should I stay or should I go? Is this even worth working through? He said that he would completely understand if I wanted to leave, though he doesn’t want me to go. However, with this whole thing he seems more disappointed in himself then that remorseful. Then again, though, this man is NOT the best at showing his emotions. He seems unsure of our relationship and though things were not perfect in it, I thought we were doing well and that we had a good thing going.

Any guidance, experience, or recommendations would be much appreciated.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  This is a really old post.  The original poster is long gone.  thanks!
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Avatar universal
'Not affectionate enough' is an excuse because in most cases, once should look first at oneself for causes, rather than blaming others.  If everyone made the assumption that the were 51% of the cause of any issue, think how easy it would be to solve them?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Welcome to the forum pampered.  This is a very old post.  It helps to write your own post to get responses to your own situation.  Your story is very painful to read so can't imagine living it!  I'm really sorry ---  so very sorry this has been your situation.  infidelity crushes us.  And your husband single handedly ruined your family.  And I agree with you, it's difficult for a woman in her 40's to be divorced with kids.  We try to go on with life with a lot of things stacked up against us at that point.  We do it because *WE* are loyal to our children and would never consider letting them down.  Women are strong and do what they have to do---  but being a divorced 40 and older woman is very hard.  Men don't seem to have it as hard---  they are still dating easily and whatnot.  

Life really is NOT fair in this regard.  Again, sorry for your difficulties and struggles.  peace
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3746363 tn?1348065936
It has been 3 years since I CAUGHT my husband cheating on me with one of his co workers, who has since been escorted from the facilities' premises for stealing narcotics. She was a charge nurse whom he'd begun "confiding" in about our problems - rather than come to me. Ironically, he's never been a communicator, but I guess he trusted her, given her position as a "nurse" - she also happened to be the new "conquest" that was busily being turned like a doorknob within the predominantly male population within the confines of their work facility - I know, typical, scorned-wife statement there.....merely the absolute truth.
In my husband's deluded fantasy, mid-life, BS state-of-mind, confiding turned to friendship, flirting and while I was away for a week, pornograghic images being sent by her per his request,  via FB. By the time I returned, he was trying his damndest to create an argument in which he walked out the door and in with a friend - a plan he had previously put in order. He was then free to "move about the cabin", and behave in a manner of a separated, unattached person. Within a week, he had sex with her - supposedly for the first time. I'm supposed to believe that over the course of the month he was out of our house, they had sex a total of only 4 times.
I'll spare you the lurid, depressing details, but say this - by FAR, the two things most devastating? #1 - He's NEVER admitted ANYTHING, I stumbled upon the filthy, online exchanges and #2 - most devastating, I begged him to accompany me on a cruise, Dec. 14-17, 2012, a desperate attempt to save our 20-year marriage - (long before discovering his affair) - he agreed to go on the cruise, it was Magic - we came home renewed & he agreed to come home, only he would have to return to his friend's house that night, December 17th - since his uniform & gear were there at his friend's home. It seemed logical at the time & I had no reason to question or doubt my husband's word then.
It wasn't until January 31st, 2013 - after he'd returned home to us, celebrated the holidays and life had returned to " normal", that I discovered the filthy email exchanges and her nude photos on my husband's open computer in our living room. Worse, it wasn't until June 20th, 2013 I finally noticed the JPEG date on one of the photos that blew his "sex with her once" lie. The JPEG date read "12-18-2012" 1:30am......that would be the night we got home from the MAGICAL cruise, when he had to return to his friend's house and leave from there for work that day for 5:15am - he called her that night, she came running and he had sex with her AFTER WE RETURNED FROM THE CRUISE, went to work and then came home to me and our children...........I'm beyond devastated. It's been 3 damn years.
I've been a good wife, a devoted wife. We have 5 children - I keep myself up well, I keep a beautiful home, I've been available to him &  for everyone for everything. I've put my career aspirations on hold for the sake of his and the family. I have lost over 50 pounds SINCE 2013 from my already healthy frame & now share clothes with my 14 year old, a size 5 juniors. Meanwhile, hes still pre-diabetic, somewhere around 300, lazy, lethargic and full of empty promises and always soooooo tired - favorite pastimes - tv & napping. I'm in my mid-40s w/ 5 kids - society isn't kind to the woman - it's the man who skates away, smelling like a rose who reaps sympathy. I don't want sympathy but I'm not giving up my life either. So I suffer in silence.
This is the cross I now carry - Why? I ask myself that all the time. What did I do to deserve this?
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