Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[Tull1956]

9 years ago my wife left me with no explanation.  We just had our 10th anniversary.  My wife cheated on me twice while we were engaged.  She had an alcohol problem. I quit because I wanted to and said I would no longer stay with her if she ever drank again.   We go married I have a large farm and she signed a prenuptial agreement to protect me and my partner.  5 years later I found out she was drinking and we had a big blow out.  She was sorry and we stayed together.  4 years after that she was having an secretive affair at the welfare office where she worked with someone I would never know and she would never tell me. I found out she started drinking and she said this guy always flirted with her and was much older.  He asked her to marry him and she said yes.  We went through much counseling but she quit.  She said she felt too much guilt.  She never admitted after that she was an alcoholic and she promised me she would never tell me who he was.  I have spent 9 years of my life obsessed with this man.  I wish she would have told me from the start so I could let it go.  Now it is like he is in our bed.  I found out in our many attempts to have children and seeing doctors she thought I was sterile even though tests said different.  She admitted she was trying to get pregnant with him.  We went through in vitro and found out she couldn't produce a viable egg so we used an egg donor.  We have a beautiful son who is the joy of both of our lives.  I know she is the mother but I know I am his real father. She doesn't want to tell him when he is older.  I feel like it will someday be my revenge….but who am I to continue this sickness. It is I who can't deal 9 years actually 19 years of lying and cheating.  I feel this great secret is to protect her lover as a back up plan.  Its all a guessing game for me because she will not tell me the truth.  If she did not admit it to me and her entire family I would have never known.  I feel in order to get the sickness out of my head I need to care for myself and find solice in a secret affair.  Something I can take to the grave and enjoy in my inner thoughts.  That is how I feel.  I am 58 and I have known joy and anger.  I have a multigenerational business that could go down the chute if I don't stay at the top of my game.  I have begged her to come clean and quit protecting this lover but she would end our marriage before she told me.  None of her friends have ever known about this affair.  She has no close friends and her family is at war over jealousy and anger.  One thing..she told was me her older brother molested her when she was 5 and older.  How common it is to hear that story in this farm community with a church on every corner.

[mattp_p_help]

I just don't really understand all the justification for someone cheating...they obviously didnt have you in mind at the time of cheating now did they....there are plenty of men and woman out their that deserve faithful partners...why spend years getting your relationship back to where it was knowing it will never be the same? why not put those efforts into someone worthy that you can make new happy memories with...no man or woman is worth wasting any of your life over...you would all feel so much better if you just let go and move on...you can and will be happy with someone else. you wont regret it and if you have kids your only giving them a life lesson that cheating isnt on, otherwise your just bringing more cheaters into this world. this topic really annoys me when people try to accept justification to cheating its not acceptable ever!

[retseh]

Yes I agree with your input.  Staying or leaving is difficult either way! Three year's after giving birth to our first child, I discovered my husband fathered another child who was basically the same age as my daughter.  Three years of betrayal and not knowing was horrific for me but I did not want my child to be without her dad so I struggled through the pain and stayed in the marriage.  Later on, after have two additional children, my husband became deathly ill and went into surgery not knowing if he would come out of it dead or alive.  Our entire family spent months enduring with that turmoil and I nursed him back to health upon his leaving the hospital months later.  Once he was able to walk again and started gaining some of his strength back, he told me there was something he needed to tell me, but was afraid to do so.  To make a long story short, I discovered that day that he had also fathered twins by this same women TEN years earlier.  I am in my 50's and stayed with the marriage because I felt he was my soul mate. We met in High School years ago.  This new discovery was three years ago.  I did not know what to do at the time because you cant just turn off love AND he was still in the recovery stages of gaining his health back.  Our children would have been torn apart had I made any additional major moves within our family.  Especially after having to deal with the possible loss of their fathers life.  Thus, I went into a stupor and continued to stay with him.  I love him, but I still go through major spells of tearful and painful episodes throughout this crazy marriage.  He had always told me it was simply sex, which was painful enough to deal with... but now I believe this was an on going invested affair.  I am so heart-broken and in pain.  One minute I want to leave, and the next, I want to stay.  Finances have always been an issue for me and my children, and the discovery of why we had to go without and lack even the basics over the years, has been a difficult cookie to crumble.  Today, even after finding out the news of my husband having three children with the other women, and not honoring me enough to be honest down through the years, I am struggling with how to begin a new chapter in my life without him.  My struggles are both emotional and financial.  I have been laid-off from work for a year now, so I decided to return to college to finish my degree.  My own mother and brother's do not know of the the turmoil I have gone through over the years.  I believe it is time for me to leave my husband even though I still love him.  I believe me and the kids deserve better!  I just don't have a clue where to begin.

[lovestoomuch]

nothing wrong with swearing! do whatever you can to get the words on paper- it does help to journal

[BigDaddyJ]

I caught my wife and high school sweetheart of 15 years cheating on me 3 days before Christmas of 2011 and I can assure you I have felt the same pain, and asked myself alot of the same questions you have. I became suspicious with her over active and very protective cell phone use. I contacted out cell company and activated a monthly text message report for our numbers. I also back logged it 6 months and found 15 pages of text message history with the same number, the problem is that by the time I received the report it was too late! She met this guy at work after he kept approaching her and complimenting her, he ended up talking her into swapping cell numbers and the sexting began. The really terrible thing about all of this is that these 2 selfish human beings were both married with young families and they set everything aside for themselves. After getting caught my wife went on the defensive for this clown saying she was afraid he would ruin her reputation at work and that he had mentioned several times how they had to keep it very secretive forever because they both have families and didn't want to ruin their kids lives......
I called this guy and set him straight that he is to never contact my wife again, ever. not for any reason and he better not even look her way. If he does his wife will be receiving a package containing all the text message history between my wife and him. He apologized up and down and agreed to my terms. I have since been left in the dark, they still work in the same building and have for the past 3 years. I can't help but worry everyday of the week, i do not trust my wife, her words are as credible to me as a politicians. Our lives have been turned upside down and life has become very very very difficult for me. I've read several online forums in regards to cheating spouses and have tried to take the advice given, i always believed that times heals everything. I've given it time, lots of time and things are kind of cyclical we have good days and bad days, good months and bad months but overall it's been an absolute nightmare. I stick around for my kids, I try to be a man about this whole situation and i've handled it all inside on my own. I've wanted to talk with my closest friends or my dad about it but I just feel humiliated about it and can't come to terms with myself to share the problems I have locked down inside. I know my wife can see in my eyes the pain I have inside she is well aware and I bring it to her attention often why I am in the state of depression I am in. My wife was such a beautiful soul when we met, she was kind and absolutely gorgeous. The kind of girl every man on this planet would dream of landing, I always felt the best thing that ever happened to me was her. I always asked myself and had other people ask me...lol... how did an ugly guy like you land a woman like that. My only explanation for that was "my personality, I make her laugh. why else would she be with me?" Truth be told i'm not a great looking guy and I've always had a conscience about that and always wondered what happens if that good looking guy comes along one day and she decides to go for it. I guess you never expect your worst nightmare to come to reality folks, but it happens, it's life. You can either let it beat you down to a pulp or you can believe in yourself and stand up! Yes ive seen the bottom floor of life, I might just be there right now but i'm not quitting. All I can suggest to you hun is this. Your husband ****** up. he ****** up really bad and i'm soo sorry he put you through this but you're not alone I feel your pain too I'm a grown *** man and i know whats it's like to cry myself to sleep. Be strong for your kids and live your life don't let his terrible decisions knock you down and make you feel less then you are. I don't know if the hurt ever ends and if forgiveness will ever come our way but I really hope we can get through this journey to see a better day.

[freddiecarter]

Ya you said very well. i really impress with you