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Avatar universal

Young, but I love this girl..

I'm only 19 years old, but...I have a problem I never thought I'd have.  I started talking to this girl in January real casually, then in February it got serious.  We went out on Valentine's, every weekend, the whole deal.  As with every single girlfriend I've had before, I began taking it for granted, not putting much effort into it, always figuring the grass was greener on the other side.  I noticed every little thing that annoyed me and made a mountain out of a mole hill.

Fast forward to a week ago and some things happened, I brought up her past (it isn't the best), and told her maybe we should stop talking.  When anything remotely close to this happened before, she would immediately say no and call me or try really hard.  This time, though, she agreed.  And that's when I realized I loved her because my heart dropped and I got tears in my eyes instantly.  

Unfortunately, I rushed out and got her a rose, stuffed kitten (always told her I'd buy her a kitten, cheesy I know) and wrote her a note that said I didn't want it to end.  It was too soon.  I realize that now.  Creepy almost.  But she loved it, called me up crying saying how sweet I was and she didn't want it to end.

But then she got cold the next couple days and our roles reversed:  I was the one putting in effort and she didn't care.  A couple nights ago I asked her if she wanted to stop talking and she said it would probably be best for right now.  And again, I was crushed.

It'd be great if I could say "Hey, her loss, I can go find another girl right now."  The conceited side of me remembers when she said that I was too good for her and she worried I'd leave her for someone else.  But I can't.  I simply have never felt this way before about a girl.  I love her.  It's Easter and instead of laughing and enjoying my family's company, I'm moping around, sick to my stomach, can't eat.

I asked her if we could meet up in person because I want to see her in person again so bad.  But she said she doesn't know if she'll have the time and keeps asking why I want to when there is nothing to talk about.

Basically, I'm heartbroken.  What do I do?  I don't want anyone else.   :(
Thanks everyone.
17 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome.  Well, I'll be honest.  This is actually a GOOD thing.  This is how we learn.  It's not her loss . . .   she was with a guy that hadn't yet learned how to treat someone.  YOU now have the benefit of understanding that when you are with a good person, you shouldn't take them for granted, break up without much thought, etc.

I think that you immediately wanted her when she said fine, let's break up is really telling.  Maybe you are a bit addicted to drama??  Don't know.

But I'd let this girl be and maybe she'll find someone that will not have this pattern such as you do.  It's a good time for her to break that cycle if she gets involved with guys that are like you where it is push/pull all the time, etc.

And you can focus on you and what this has taught you.

This is what young dating is supposed to be.  An opportunity to learn about ourselves and to grow and mature.  sometimes it hurts in the process.  

But next time you'll be a better boyfriend.  good luck
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I agree with SpeciamMom,  but I think you need to have some real introspection before you get in another relationship.  I'm not sure this is purely about learning how to treat a woman,  but that's a component of it.

I think you need to discover why you only want a girl when she doesn't want you.  You are in agony pining for her,  and yet if she welcomed you with open arms and acceptance,  you'd not want her anymore - like  a switch would instantly turn off.

And if you want to be happy in life,  you need to figure out how to have a relationship where the girl isn't forced into the role of playing "hard to get" to keep you satisfied.  That's an exhausting game.

And honestly,  I don't think she'll be back.  She's had enough - her jets are cooled.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
To special mom:
Thanks for such a helpful response. You seem to have gotten the wrong image of me, which I understand because it is hard to describe something quite like this when I'm heartbroken or our relationship in general. We both loved each other and maybe that's hard to get across. I am learning no doubt but I don't need brought down anymore, I'm hell bent to not end this.

To rockrose:
If only it were so easy to say she's gone. I refuse to believe that, to my demise or not. What I'm looking for is how to show this love of mine that I've changed and I really do care about her. Maybe it came across as something else. Oh well.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You said yourself that you were taking her for granted, thinking the grass was greener, not putting in any effort into the relationship until she dumped you. Then all the sudden you think she's your soul mate. You also said this was a pattern that you've repeated before.

Relationships don't work that way. You can't just tell someone you want to date them and then treat them like crap and expect them to stay with you. Until the shoe was on the other hand and she turned the tables by treating you as badly as you treated her, then all the sudden you cared about her. You are going to have to learn how to be a healthy, positive and supportive relationship partner or else every relationship you have until you die will be just like this.

It's too late this time because this girl thankfully got wise to your game. But the next time, treat the girl with love and respect and be glad that you found someone who would actually want to date you. Otherwise, if you're just going to be totally indifferent to her, what's the point of even dating anyone? If you're unable to give someone love and respect then don't date.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
ajjwr,  it doesn't look to me like you've changed or gone through any self-discovery.

Any ideas about why her rejecting you turns you on so much?

I really mean this as a real question.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow thanks for some more helpful and "unbiased" responses. Rah rah. We both did it but I just a little more-moreover we both knew we loved each other it was just little things.
And rockrose, I'd love to know what you mean bythis turning me on.. There are ex boyfriends of hers who simply were in it for sex and thats it. I cared, i just didnt put as much effort in as her. We both made mistakes.idk how you feel about religion, but I'm Catholic and very solemnly I had a 2 hour long talk with god the other day in church by myself. I asked him what I wanted. After, I never had such a strong feeling to simply hold a girl, to enjoy each others feelings..no sex involved ? thats a very sick concept that i am aroued by this, but to each their own i suppose. came here for help but instead I got all this "help". Thank you all & Happy Easter!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't understand your response. Read your first post again. These are your own words:
:::::" As with every single girlfriend I've had before, I began taking it for granted, not putting much effort into it, always figuring the grass was greener on the other side.  I noticed every little thing that annoyed me and made a mountain out of a mole hill. ":::::

Now you're all the sudden saying that we are misunderstanding your relationship and it wasn't like that and you treated each other wonderfully. I don't understand. Please clarify what is the problem then, because all of us are responding to your words, the words you chose when you wrote your first post.

Also, please clarify why you put "unbiased" in quotes? Do you know what the word means? The fact that this whole thing is anonymous and no one knows each other offline makes this as unbiased as can be. The only way you'd get a biased opinion here is if someone who responded knew you or your ex girlfriend in person and responded. That would be biased.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, no need to get upset.  You have to remember that we only have the information you've provided to go on.  My thoughts were based on what you wrote.  Whenever someone is picking at another, easily annoyed, throws out breaking up, etc, and then when it ends, IMMEDIATLY there is great love and regret, I have to think that is something to learn from.

By the way, it is only April and you just started dating in February, is that correct?  This isn't a long term relationship or anything like that.  At your age, perhaps it just was too much too soon??  I don't know but love grows and when it is rushed by either party, it can fall apart.

When I was dating, I really did try to look for the 'lessons' and what I could take away from each situation no matter how great or how badly it ended.  We are ALL works in progress and this happened to you for a reason.  You are supposed to learn from it.  So, think about what you can take away from this relationship and use in the next one.  

You are young and learning.  We all make mistakes in relationships and boy, did I make some big ones early on.  You're only human.  But bad things that happen to us can have a positive effect if we figure out something to use from it.  

peace.  
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
aj,  I'm a devout Christian and I was raised Catholic.

I guess maybe we don't have the same definition of "turned on." For example,  I'm "turned on" by boating and hiking.  

Using that same definition,   you're "turned on" by this girl rejecting you.

When she rejects you,  she's all you can think about.  When she's being sweet and you two are together,  you're bored with her.

I really strongly think you need to figure out why that is happening within your mind.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I couldn't agree more with the responses above.  From YOUR own words, you've been into the cat and mouse game, you haven't taken any of your relationships or commitments very seriously, and now that the table has turned and YOU find yourself in the position that most of your GFs had been in (by your own actions), you're reacting very strongly, probably confusing your "love" for her for the chasing game, to be honest.

I guarantee if she took you back today, it wouldn't be long before you fell back into your old habits.  Getting angry with strangers on the internet is a waste of time.  You came here for help, or did you just come here to hear what you want to hear?

We're being very honest with you that with your own self reported relationship history, you have some soul searching and learning to do if you want any of your relationships to last long term.  As for this girl, I think you would be wise to accept the break up (the one YOU first initiated) and move on with your life, and let her do the same.  To continue to contact her, and buy her things is only hurting her.  It's mind games, and it's not fair.  Let her go, and let her heal.  

These are your own words.....if this is not cut and dry and crystal clear, I don't know what is.  This CLEARLY demonstrates your pattern, and how when YOU initiated the break up, it was fine, and you even expected her to beg for you back (as you admit has happened numerous times).  When she called your bluff and decided she'd had enough of the push/pull drama...she bailed.  

Only THEN did you get tears in your eyes and become devastated.  IF indeed this "love" that you're pining for is what you think it is, you would have been devastated no matter WHO initiated the break up.  This sounds very very much like unnecessary drama, cat and mouse games, and immaturity.  You're only 19, so you ARE very young.  You'd be wise to start learning from your mistakes now, so you don't keep repeating them.  Again, please let her go...you've toyed with her emotions enough.

These are your own words....black and white, there is no other way to interpret them, you were very clear:


"Fast forward to a week ago and some things happened, I brought up her past (it isn't the best), and told her maybe we should stop talking.  When anything remotely close to this happened before, she would immediately say no and call me or try really hard.  This time, though, she agreed.  And that's when I realized I loved her because my heart dropped and I got tears in my eyes instantly."
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
biased (adj)- unfairly prejudiced for or against someone or something
You don't have to know someone to be biased for them, it depends on your views which are, dare I say, moderately (cough) feminist.  She told one of my friends that if one wants a relationship with her, there are some days when you will have to accept that she won't even acknowledge your existence.  That hurt my feelings - where is all my support, love, bringing her down as you did to myself?
Too much silliness here for me, seems like a place for keyboard warriors to enjoy a little drama.
oh,
She text me to come over today, guess her jets weren't cooled.
Much love & God bless!
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Keyboard warriors?  With all due respect, people on internet forums can only address the info supplied, which is exactly what everyone did.  I'm sorry to say that your defensive reaction to not hearing what you want to hear is causing you to be closed minded to the advice given.  NO one here knows you, or has a stake in your relationship.  You asked for advice, and you got it.  

Good luck with your relationship.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
"She told one of my friends that if one wants a relationship with her, there are some days when you will have to accept that she won't even acknowledge your existence.  That hurt my feelings - where is all my support, love, bringing her down as you did to myself?"

Sounds like you both maybe thrive on drama, or just haven't matured enough to understand what an adult relationship is supposed to be like.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow!!  

So much DRAMA - for You, for Her.

Maybe You Both kinda, sorta, like things that way?? - the drama??

You're only talking 3 months here!! - maybe a little "silliness" on Your behalf as well - as in:  "My feelings are hurt - where is all my support, love?"

Seems to me more than a little dramatic on Your part too.  Perhaps Your jets aren't cooled as well??

Much love and God bless You, too.

Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Why is it that you regret her leaving only after she decided to leave?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I can tell you are a young person but sadly, with an attitude of defensiveness, you're probably doomed to make the same mistakes over and over.  I sure hope not.  No one was saying anything rude.  If she were to write, I'd tell her to find someone more mature which isn't a knock on you other than to say that there is definitely room for emotional growth.  .  Good luck to you.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and by the way.  Yes, she too sounds very immature.  This is why people should focus on becoming independent adults that can financially support themselves during these years and wait to marry.  I'd spend more time studying for whatever profession you'd like to go into at the age of 19.  Hopefully you are in college or job training.  

And I'm not a feminist.  I'm a Catholic, stay at home mom.  I'm just a grown up.  
Helpful - 0
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