Can i have social life while married?

[ys1970]

I'm married for 4 years and have a 17 month old daughter. I used to have friends, now i don't even talk to them on the phone. I stopped going to concerts, theaters, because me and my husband work full time, and spend evenings with our baby. OR there is something else...that prevents us from going out. I used to ask him even before our baby was born, why don't we talk as much as i need? Why does he work so much, that even Saturday and Sunday he is on the phpone or have to run out somewhere for a couple of hours? To make this story short - i have a co-worker who invited me to go with him to the show i like. Can i go? CAn i have a drink on friday night with my co-workers? He says I SHOULDN'T. NOW he wants to be good and go with me to anywhere i want....but i'm not interested any more. What should we do?

[brice1967]

If I were you, I'd forget the idea of hanging out with a male friend without you husband around.  I can't see anything good coming from that idea, and will guarantee that it will cause concern within the marriage.  I've screwed up a lot of things in my marriage, and I would run as far away and as fast as I could from the situation that you've described.

You've got to find an outlet, and so does you husband.  Talk with a marriage therapist.  That is a great place to start.  Leaving this issue unaddressed is the wrong thing to do.

[nooney613]

I feel the same way as you. Before marriage I had tons of male friends because I just don't get along with females that well and dudes are just so funnn! It wasn't even romantic with my guy friends but my husband will never allow me to have guy friends and he won't even let me come near his friends. I miss my social life being one of the guys. It seems as if I have lost who I am in the world of mommy and wife. How can I incorporate a social life when i only get along with males?Someone Help!!

[RockRose]

When we had small babies all our friends did too,  and socializing was easy because everyone understood everyone's schedules.  So we'd do backyard barbecues,  gather at the lake,  etc.,  and only occasionally go out with either the "girls" or couples.

If all your friends are childless co-workers,  it's really hard to make your social life work out,  and you'll be leaving your baby all the time.  

Looking back  on my life I was the MOST connected to other people when I had preschoolers because we all wanted to get out and we all had babies so the relationships were made of cement.  

Best wishes.

[teko]

When we get married and have children our priorities change. While going out with a friend for an afternoon should continue after your married, it really should not be with a friend of the opposite sex that you work with unless it is a crowd environment. You must look at how you would feel if the tables were turned. With that said, do you know other moms that you can develop relationships with, maybe join a moms group. You and your husband should also make a point to try to get out by yourselves once a month if you can find a sitter. It sounds like to me you are lonely and the communication has broken down in your marriage. I would take this opportunity of your husband now wanting to take you anywhere you want to go as a chance to renew the flame and the communication between you. I would also recommend you to look into some moms groups in your area. Just because your married does not mean you have to stop living, just look for the same things in different locations and with others who have things in common with you.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, it is tricky.  I'm not going to say what you want to hear because that isn't really giving my opinion.  I think we can try to have it all but never will.  Sure, you can go out with coworkers to a show but know then that you won't see your kid for the day.  You'll get back when he/she are going to bed.  It is okay to do that for sure--------- but it is a trade off.  There is no right or wrong.  I feel like kids are little for only a short period of time and pretty quickly, they have friends and things that they like to do without YOU.  So, when they are young . . . I spend my time with them.  I have other friends with children and we all get together.  It is fun to have a cook out on Saturday night with my friends with kids.  I have women friends with children and we'll meet at a park.  Etc.  

But, I read something else in your post with regards to what is going on in your life.  Your husband is ignoring you.  That , I think, is the real problem.  You feel like you have work and baby and no relationship.  I think that you can have a date with your husband once a week or every other week.  I'd do it on Sat or Sun when you've spent the day with your kid but that is just me always wanting to be around my kids.  But it sounds like you need to reconnect with your husband.

Going out with a coworker to a show or drinks is okay if it isn't a male.  Saying that because if you are ignored by your husband and feeling disconnected from home, you don't want to get into a situation in which something could be misconstrued or feelings that you don't want could develop.  

Ha, I hadn't read the advice given by the other two ladies until now (scrolled up and read it).  They give good advice.  
Good luck and try to reconnect with your husband.  

[HeatherLF16]

I do not have children yet I have one on the way due any day now.  I have been married for 6 years with no children.  We both work full time (which will change I am working part time max when baby is here).  But, we have always done what we wanted as far as socializing.  We have functions we go to together as a couple, I have my girls nights out (maybe just dinner once a month or so and a drink with girlfriends) and he has his football and baseball games with the guys.  

Once the baby is here we already have two events coming up one in September and our annaversery in October where my sister in law is sitting.  He has a few games to go to in August and I don't mind at all.  I will still have my monthly dinner with the girls a month after the baby is here where my husband will stay home with my son (when I am able to give a bottle of breast milk).  

In my opinion, in order to be happy as a family you have to have a happy marriage and have balance in your life.  Take turns he gets a night one week, you get a night the next, and one night a month have a date.  I want my son to see that his parents are in love/happy and have that as a foundation for our family.

I agree with Penswriter... I would never go out with a male without my husband present.  Think about if he were to go out one on one with another female?  Innocent or not... it would still make you uncomfortable.  Maybe after you mentioned going out with another male he saw that he needs to be there for you more.  He is your husband give him a chance.  There has to be major effort on both parts to keep up a happy marriage.  =)

[penswriter]

He may be jealous of a male coworker asking you out. Which going out with JUST that one male coworker while married is NOT a good idea. That can open a whole can of worms that can cause real problems in the marriage. I would NEVER in a million years think of going out anywhere with another man without my husband.

As far as going out (for say a girls night or date night) there is nothing wrong with it. Granted when you have kids it doesn't happen often. I haven't been "out" since April. And that was only for a few hours after the kids were in bed (my mom babysat them at our house) for a few drinks with hubby for our anniversary and a hockey game.