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Am I not independent enough when it comes to my relationship?
I've been with my boyfriend for many years and even though we are young I feel like we built a whole life together. We often talk about our future together, about getting married and having kids. I know that I'm in love with this person but I feel that I keep having this fear that we are going to break up. We broke up a few times when we were younger and I was literary a mess. I couldn't sleep or eat and my friends were trying to help me by staying with me and talking to me constantly. I used to get physically ill and I felt that my life was over. Now we are together and we know that we love each other but I keep wondering why I feel this way and why I feel that I want to die if we break up. I wonder why it was so hard for me in the past to pull my self together and if this means that I am too attached to him. I know he loves me, but I feel that he has a more healthy way of loving me.
In case you are wondering I'm a person that has dreams and goals and hobbies and I'm working hard to make my dreams come true. But it only matters to me if he is with me. If not I don't think I can do anything in life. Just to think about it right now makes my chest hurt. I need an advise. Please.
In case you are wondering I'm a person that has dreams and goals and hobbies and I'm working hard to make my dreams come true. But it only matters to me if he is with me. If not I don't think I can do anything in life. Just to think about it right now makes my chest hurt. I need an advise. Please.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Ya know, I wonder if you may have some anxiety going on and possibly a little depression. This can cause our mind to be "noisey" and that is a real pain. If your fears are baseless, this could be a real possibility for you. I will tell you that I would be heartbroken and devistated if my husband ended our marriage. Oh, what a horrible thought. However, I really spend no time thinking about this as I feel like our relationship is solid and this really is more than completely unlikely.
So one of two things are going on---------- either you may have some anxiety issues that need addressing or your inner voice is telling you that something is wrong with this relationship. I'm guessing it is more of the anxiety issue. Therapy and perhaps some medication will quiet the obsessive thinking that is keeping you in this state of fear. I also wonder if you two are speaking of taking your relationship to the level of marriage. If this subject is not coming up or not on the horizen (after 10 years and being in your 20's), then this may have your internal alarm clock ringing too.
As to your connection between happiness and your boyfriend------- well, many have this. I'm happier with my husband and my life centers around him, our kids and our life together. I don't see this as a bad thing. I think that being able to feel good about yourself and the things you like to do outside of your boyfriend is something to work on though. I'd really throw yourself into your passions-------- whatever they may be. If you love your job, work to advance in it. If you love to exercise, start a new intense program. If you like gardening, get set for the Spring planting season. Whatever it may be, just really focus on it and don't include your boyfriend in it. He may come along, but make it about YOU. I'd also work on some solid female friendships if you don't have many of these. Make some plans to go to lunch, the movies, whatever with some friends. My close friends and I all like to cook. We've had "girls nights" for years in which our significan others (and now kids) "disappear" for a bit and we go to each other's homes (taking turns) and cooking for one anoher. We have a couple of drinks, a good dinner, and lots of good conversation. I've been doing this since I was 24 with the same 3 ladies and we are all now in our mid 40's. We do it once every 3 months. Things like that are good to have in your life so that your whole identity is not being his girlfriend.
So, consider talking to a therapist and your doctor to see if anxiety (and perhaps a bit of depression) is going on and try to grow your own areas of interest. I think you'll be okay hon. I really do. good luck
So one of two things are going on---------- either you may have some anxiety issues that need addressing or your inner voice is telling you that something is wrong with this relationship. I'm guessing it is more of the anxiety issue. Therapy and perhaps some medication will quiet the obsessive thinking that is keeping you in this state of fear. I also wonder if you two are speaking of taking your relationship to the level of marriage. If this subject is not coming up or not on the horizen (after 10 years and being in your 20's), then this may have your internal alarm clock ringing too.
As to your connection between happiness and your boyfriend------- well, many have this. I'm happier with my husband and my life centers around him, our kids and our life together. I don't see this as a bad thing. I think that being able to feel good about yourself and the things you like to do outside of your boyfriend is something to work on though. I'd really throw yourself into your passions-------- whatever they may be. If you love your job, work to advance in it. If you love to exercise, start a new intense program. If you like gardening, get set for the Spring planting season. Whatever it may be, just really focus on it and don't include your boyfriend in it. He may come along, but make it about YOU. I'd also work on some solid female friendships if you don't have many of these. Make some plans to go to lunch, the movies, whatever with some friends. My close friends and I all like to cook. We've had "girls nights" for years in which our significan others (and now kids) "disappear" for a bit and we go to each other's homes (taking turns) and cooking for one anoher. We have a couple of drinks, a good dinner, and lots of good conversation. I've been doing this since I was 24 with the same 3 ladies and we are all now in our mid 40's. We do it once every 3 months. Things like that are good to have in your life so that your whole identity is not being his girlfriend.
So, consider talking to a therapist and your doctor to see if anxiety (and perhaps a bit of depression) is going on and try to grow your own areas of interest. I think you'll be okay hon. I really do. good luck
I think, given that you're 26, I would see a therapist just to go over these fears. You need to be able to cope should the relationship ever end, by breakup or death, and you might be getting tiresome to him because of your extreme dependence, making it more likely that he would consider getting out because of that alone. Ask the therapist what makes someone so dependent on a relationship, and see if what he or she says fits your situation. Good luck!
Breaking up is like losing someone to death. In your situation, you guys been together for a long time. You have done alot of thing together. However, nothing is certain in life besides taxes and death. You need to be mentally strong because life is crazy and anything can happen. If he loves you, he will fight to stay with you. if he does not and breaks up with you, you deserve better.
May I ask how old you are and if this is the only BF you ever had and why did you previously break up?
You've been with your boyfriend "many years" -- how many? and you are young -- how young?
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