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best friends husband txt cheating

this is a bit long winded  so i apologies in advanced and hope u can help me

in january my friend next door started recieving txt messages from sum1 who said that they had had her number in there phone he gave a name and occupation none off us recognised variouse txt messages went back and forwad for some weeks while we tried to figure out who this person was myself my friend and another friend all knew about the txt being sent.  

then a couple of weeks ago the txt changed he said he had lied bout where he had got the number from saying he had actually got if from his g/f phone and that her really liked my friend and wanted sumthing to happend between them but that he had a g/f that we new and they had a margage together. my friend continued to send txt messages back and forth trying to find out who this person was and the txt did get more explicit. we presumed at the time that she was being set up by another friend who she had fallen out with so just continued to play along.

finally after another couiple off weeks the man agreed to meet my friend and it turns out it is my best friends husband!!!!! to say we were stunned is an understatment he was not even on our list off suspects.  my best friend is currently 8 months pregnant and has not has an easy pregnancy, her and her husband have had some money troubles in the past year but as far as im aware this is the only problems they have had.

so hwat do i do do i tell her now 4 weeks away from giving birth that her husband has been txting another friend off ours tryin to get sex or do i wait untill after the baby is born???

i am at a total loss i understand that this is going to devestate her and that she needs to no but what the hell do i do?????????????
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145992 tn?1341345074
Wow, that is a tough one.  I would think that hits below the belt.  I am torn because I would not tell the friend but tell the husband that he is despicable and that he either spends the rest of his life making it up to his wife or you will spill the beans and see if that helps.  It would be totally unfair to put her through heartache if you didn't have to.  However, the other part of me thinks she deserves to know.  She shouldn't have a husband who thinks its ok to go after anyone and especially not one of her friends.  I definitely think to threaten him to come clean or she will would be the best thing.  This is not a good situation.  I wish I could have more advice, I just am very torn.
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Avatar universal
If you tell the wife wait until after the baby is born, well after he/she is born. She does not need the stress right now or a couple of days/weeks after she comes home from the birth.

But giving a threat to the husband seems to be a good thing to do.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, agree with above.  The problem is that often times when you are the person that tells his ex wife------  it can ruin your friendship with her.  Shooting the messenger really does happen and if she stays with him, she will feel like you might judge her.  And her husband could decide you are dangerous and then start to x you out of their life in a subtle way.  It often backfires.

But, I would by all means go talk to the husband.  That is unacceptable.

I also will add that the whole game playing with a text is really odd to me.  I don't answer texts from a stranger and allow them to get intimate just for fun.  That is like talking dirty back to an obscene phone caller.  I say wrong number and get busy with things in my life.  Just food for thought.  good luck, this is a tricky situation, for sure.
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Avatar universal
i agree with u all i have found out since my 1st post from another friend that this is not the 1st time he has done this. does any1 think i should speak to her sister they are very close as some things i have heard in last couple off hours make me really hessatent to contact him????

thank u all for the advice xxx
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145992 tn?1341345074
I would leave the family out of it.  For some, the embarrassment of infidelity can leave such a lasting affect and you don't know how she would feel if the entire family knew about it before her.  Plus, if she does decide to stay with him, she wouldn't want the family looking down upon her for the decisions she's made.  Plus, they would treat him differently and cause her to feel like she would have to defend him.  It just isn't something that is anyone else's business.  Unfortunately, you and your other friend know about it and that's probably more than she would like to know.
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Avatar universal
I must agree to leave the family out of it.  I would also get myself out of it.  What a dangerous game this is.  It sounds like he is not very discreet with what he is doing, and believe it or not, your friend may not be as clueless as you think about his "Indiscretions".  If I were you I would forget all about it.  He wasn't texting you, and looking back, your friend very well may believe everyone knew who he was all along.  This won't end well no matter what, but I would want to be as far out of this situation as possible.  Good luck to your friend, and I must say special mom was right about all of the texting.  Then to meet up?  Fishy...
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Avatar universal
ok so her sister is out hadnt considerd the ramafacations of that if they stayed together just had thought that because they are so close and tell each other everything that haveing here there mite make it easyer.

unfortunatly mamabalas i dont think think there any way i can walk away from it she has been my best friend for 15 years.am in and out off the house all the time. and the friend he was txting is not likely to leave this alone she has already informed him i no  and unfortunatly it would probably be better coming from me than her.

the friend he was txtin genuanly had no idea it was him she though and as did the rest off us that she was being set up by an x friend and as soon as she saw him has had no comunication with him apart from to tell him to get lost so i no for a fact on that count there was nothing more but on other information recieved i am not so sure it hasnt happend with sum1 else.

so unfortunately it looks like it is going to have to *** from me sooner rather than later because i have a feeling this is not goin to stay quiet for long and i seem to have been put in the position off not having much choice. so wish me well as i have the unfortunate task off breaking my best friends heart and losing her cause they always shoot the messanger.

thank u for letting me ramble on its sumtimes better to see things written down and thank u for all the advice it is much apprciatedx
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay-----  I guess I wish you luck.  I would advise against this, to be honest.  But you seem intent on handling it this way.  Do not judge her or make it sound like her guy is a creep.  Just give the info.  And don't expect her initial reaction to be the one she sticks with.

Also, I think you missed my point a bit earlier with regards to the texting.  It is like continuing a conversation with some stranger who prank phone calls you.  I don't get that.  Maybe not wise.  But that is just my opinion.  

Anyway-----------  hope this all works out and your friend is able to salvage her marriage. good luck
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Avatar universal
i understand what u are saying specialmom i feel like i am being backed into a cornner if it doesnt come from me and he continues to txt this other person then she will not leave it alone so my head tells me to tell her myself sorry am just sooo confused xx
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
OHHHHH.  Your friend is texting back and will not stop even though she knows that it is your other friend's husband?  (am I understanding that?).  Well-----------  and he knows that you know about this?  And he will still text her and then she will text him?  Is that correct?
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Avatar universal
its abit confusing and it sounds really dum...... when the txts started she did not no it was him at all he txt saying that he had her phone number in his phone gave a name place he lived and an occupation but we could not work out who the person was but he said that he new us and more out off curriosity she txt him back. then a week ago he changed his story and brought up he had a g/f and they had a house together. he was also sending more explicite txts. he asked to meet her and out off curriosity she went and that is how we found out who it was.and she has only sent him 1 txt since telling him to leave her alone ect ect

we genuinly though she was being set up by an x friend. i no this sounds stupid but there was never any clue to who this was or that he was a married man.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay.  Your last post confused me as I thought you were saying that she was maybe going to keep texting him and you didn't know if he would continue texting her even though he knew that you knew at this point.  Glad that is not he case as that was a whole scenario that wouldn't be good.

So, I do get your point that you are caught in this because she will look at you and say that you knew all along and didn't tell her.  So, I'd only give facts with no judgement and not try to have her believe you think one way or the other about it.  If she decides to work it out with him, you will have to be supportive.  And your friendship will only survive that if you remain kind of neutral with the info.  Like, I don't know what he was meaning to do or anything, and nothing actually happened, etc.  (even though he is a jerk, obviously!)  good luck
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Avatar universal
thnks specialmom yip he is turning out to be a world class jerk. and i find it hard to explain thing allways go off on a tangent lol

i will most definately be as neutral as poss he was a very big part of mine and my 2 boys lifes aswell  he was there only adult male roll model that they offten go to for advice on boy things. so am fully prepaird to stick by her if she should deside to stay with him xxxx
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Avatar universal
is there anyway your friend can have the text messages printed out so the wife can see them for herself? that way you can be like this is what's happening, here is what he said and then let her deal with him so you don't get caught up in that.
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145992 tn?1341345074
The wife is going to be upset at all of you and I will tell you why.  She's not going to believe that you all didn't know it was her husband.  Or she will think that once you did know, the communication with him still continued.  It's just going to seem odd to her and you know who will convince her of this....he will!  He is going to find a way to twist it anyway.  She's going to be upset that you both knew about it and didn't tell her.  Either way, it's not going to be pretty.  I just hope that she will see the truth in all of this but she's going to feel awful no matter what.  I agree with specialmom, try to make the blow as easy and non-judgmental as possible.
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Avatar universal
I would be so terribly upset if my friends knew my husband had done something like this behind my back & didnt tell me.I would feel betrayed by all involved & dont think I would ever feel the same about them again.This is just my opinion but i would what to know.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree.  That is why she is stuck.  Her friend is going to be upset anyway and sometimes they get mad at the person who tells them.  Not a lot of options for this working out well.  But I guess if the husband decides he is truly sorry, never faulters again, and works really hard to make her friend happy.  And all go on happily together-------  that would be great.  That is why she has to tell in a neutral way of relaying facts without judgement or opinion.  Even if her friend asks--------  she has to try to stay neutral since she is the one giving the low down.  It is a sad situation anyway you cut it.  I wish her luck.
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Avatar universal
we have kept 90% of the txt messages cause we had the same thought that she wouldnt believe us and near enuff till the day we found out it was him he was still saying he was sum1else.  

either eay i do this am dammed if i keep my mouth shut and dnt tell her and she does eventualy find out i new from him or sum1 else am the bad person.

if i wait to tell her untill after the baby is born she gonna be pissed because i waited

if sum1 else gets there 1st am still dammed

so i no it has to be from me *** soon as possible b4 it truly gets out off hand.

i have untill monday to sort this out in my head as thats the soonest i can get her to come to my house.  am kinda hopin that when he noes that we are meetin he mite tell her 1st!!!! delusional i no lol xxx
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Avatar universal
the begining off that didnt sound rite i just ment that we have kept the txt messages backed up we didnt keep them because we new they were from him if that makes sence x
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Avatar universal
You know this is a hard one I would have to say do what your heart tells you to do.
It is not your fault it is his .
Wishing you the best
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Avatar universal
jus wanted to say thank u for the advise everyone gave.I told my friend yesterday and it went well considering she was not surprised she had caught him doing sumthing via email 3 years ago.

i presented all the evidence and we sat and talked through situations and what she wanted to do ect.

when she confronted him he admitted txting 1 girl but not my friend which he totally denied even phoned her in front off her wife and told her she was crazy and had mental problems !!!!!!!! but finally admitted everything today. so my friend has asked for a few days to sort out her head b4 we speak again.

so thank u every1 it was one off the hardest things ive had to do but having this forum to get info and advise was a great help much appreciated xxx
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
kookie, thanks for coming back and updating us.  I'm glad it went as well as can be expected and I hope everyone heals from this with time.  Anyway, come back any time you like-------- we are happy to have you.  good luck
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