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bestfriend or exbestfriend

ive known my best friend for 2 years and we dated for about a year before he broke up with me. come to find out its with the girl hes with now and they have been going at it for 9 months. she says she pregnant but wont take a test to show him its true and wants me to stay out of his life. he loves her to death but I'm also the on whos there when he has nothing. she had her bestfriend dump him yesterday because she couldn't do it herself and now they are back together but I know she wont let us be friends. she I make him make a choice, or should I just continue to be there for him when she is not?
7 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
Well, this is a tough one. The thing is that many women would not like the idea of their partner having  a |"best friend" that was a women that they had been intimate with (and could be again). i think you need to let him go gracefully. If you love him as a friend, then you'll understand that he needs to work within the relationship that he's in to make it work, for himself his girl, and his baby. His family. Family must come first.

Two yeas is not a long time. It's not like you have been friends since grade 5, or a family friend. Essentially, you're a very short term sexually based relationship, (one year) and have remained in touch when he doesn't have any other romantic relationships in his life. Now that he does, he's going to have to walk away. and if you care about him you need to try and understand how any romantic partner of his would probably feel the same way. It's great if he's single, but there's a good chance that it will be a problem if hes' not. In your last sentence, i'm not sure if you're saying "she is going to make him make a choice or should you make him make a choice..

You've said " She I make him make a choice or should i just continue to be there for him when she is not?"  ... so it's sounds like you might be saying should you make him make a choice. ? What choice could you make him make? That he leave a chance of making a family with  his baby for you ? I think it would be healthiest if you understood her position and understand that because he and you have had a short term friendship that stemmed from a sexual relationship, that it would be prudent for you to wish him the best of luck, and leave it casual. like, "hey, I do understand, if I was in her position i might feel the same way. You need to put everything you can into this relationship to make it work. All i want for you is to be happy and have a good life." That's what i think a friend should do under these circumstances.  

I think you need to rethink the "best" friend notion. Adults have friends. Often when our circumstances change, some of our single friends get lost because of the difference of being a family man versus a single dating person. Especially if that single dating person is of the opposite sex and there has been a relationship.

You haven't mentioned anything about your own situation, other than to elude to the fact that he may have cheated on you with this girl?  If that's the case then their relationship has a rocky foundation. It could very well be that he comes back to you if he and his girl have a fight. and then dump you again when they're on again. I think you need to back away from this for your own good. And even if he does come back to talk about his relationship, i don't think it's healthy for you to be used by him as his sounding board, considering that he (may?) have cheated on you ? He really doesn't deserve you to be there for him or have him to expect that you would. I'm not sure why you would classify him as a "best" friend, and i'm concerned that this might mean your only friend, which would be a very unhealthy place for you to be.and something that would be a good idea for you to change.

Are you dating since this happened.? Have you got other female friends that you can go out with? How are you doing in life? Are you working or going to school? I think you need to have friends (plural) in your life that support you to excel n your life.
13167 tn?1327194124
It's not a good idea to have your "best friend" be a guy you used to date.  Unless he broke up with you because he's gay.  

You're in an unequal relationship,  and I echo Nighthawk's thought that no woman would want her guy to be "best friends" with an ex lover.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm not saying that it's right necessarily for this girl to want you gone, just that it's going to happen in a percentage of cases. especially if they have a shaky foundation. (they go together through cheating so it's rocky).
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm going to be honest.  As a married woman, I wouldn't be cool with my husband having a girl as his best buddy.  The only women friends my husband kept were the ones that befriended me genuinely.  I didn't say anything--  I never asked him to do that nor did I have to say I'm not cool with a female best friend.  He had a lot of women friends and many he was quite close to.  He weeded them out himself. Because I mattered more to him than anyone.

So, that is the bottom line.  Best friends are fantastic, however, when you get into a mature relationship, you put your partner above all else.  A close opposite sex friend that is not also friends with your partner is not ideal for peace and harmony.  

So, if he is in a tumultuous relationship, the best thing to do is to cut him some slack. Back off and let him have some space to figure out what is going on with the girl.  Don't be mad about it.  Let him figure it out.  Especially if there are question marks about a pregnancy.  

Clinging on strongly at this time is not what he needs.  He needs space to figure out his love life and if you interfere with that due to your opinions about the girl or just by bugging her by your presence ----  it will likely backfire.  Better to let him see the bigger picture on his own.  

good luck
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
oops, I'm just seeing that you used to date.  Ugh, nope.  Every girl this guy is in a relationship with will have a bit of a problem with you and will push you away.  That's reality.  Friendship after dating is tricky stuff and a new relationship is such that the new significant other is often going to want their partner to cut ties.  It's probably a pretty normal and natural response.  

You do seem very invested in this and I was going to ask if you had romantic feelings for the guy in my previous post.  Now I see that you have and perhaps this girlfriend is stirring some inner jealousy.  

Extricate yourself from the situation.  good luck
Avatar universal
Ditto the above posters.  You need to let these two figure things out and not get involved.  I don't think it is necessary for you to be there for him.  Surely he has family or other friends who can do that.

I've been in a relationship with a man who was friends with an ex he dated and it wasn't great.  I think you should consider this other woman's point of view.  She's pregnant and then she also has to be concerned about a female friend who used to date her guy.  That doesn't sound awesome.

Let me ask you this.  If you were pregnant and your bf had a female friend whom he used to date would you be cool with that?
134578 tn?1614729226
I would say that this is not your "best friend," this is a guy you have feelings for.  "Should I make him choose?" is a question friends don't ask, people who are jealous and want to know they are the most favored lover ask it.  Face facts and decide if you are hanging on with the 'friend" moniker because it's the best you can get and you would like it to be something more.  And for heaven's sake, get out of the life of a guy who has a baby coming if you have romantic feelings for the guy and are thinking of forcing the issue. There are other guys in the world!
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