broke up due to mistrust

[Leslie_L]

I am i need of some good advice.  I have spoke to many friends and family that has given me some great advice but i thought i would come here to see what other advice i could get.

well first...i was dating this amazing guy for a little while now. I have two kids so it makes it very difficult to find anyone who i like and will accept my kids as his own...and i was very lucky to find a man who does. We moved pretty quickly into things and even moved in with each other after a month of dating. things were going great..we planned and cooked meals together every night, he gave me lots of love an affection, took care of my kids for me while i went out and even while i was there, he would spent most of his time with me and even come back early when he did go out.

Well, two weeks into the relationship, i decided to look through this facebook emails. he always left his facebook open on my computer and never did i check it till one day i got this bright idea to do it....ok, not so bright. i was curious why him and his past girlfriends didnt work out and if he there was any evidence of him cheating on them. It would have been smarter for me to just ask him and i definitely regret this idea. I found out that he was talking to other girls while he was in a long relationship with one girl a couple years back...and it continued through the whole two years while they were together. this put up a red flag for me and immediately ended the relationship without even talking to him first. the next day, we did talk about it he explained that at that point in his life..he didnt know what he wanted and wasnt sure if he wanted to be with her. He assured me that he was not in the same mind frame anymore and knows now that all he wants is a family and settle down. this made me feel better.
the relationship continued and tho things were going great...sometimes the thoughts and worry of reading the emails would pop into my head. i worried that he would eventually grow apart from me and do the same thing to me. It ate me up so much that i had a talk with him about how i felt that i would not be able to trust him and that i dont see how this was going to work because all im going to do is worry that its going to happen to me. I did not really mean to break up with him...words just came out all wrong and i guess what i was looking for was reassurance but i expressed it all wrong. He ended up packing up his things without even really fighting for things to work..and not much reassurance came out of his mouth. I got so mad at myself for this because i knew there was nothing he has done to ME to make me feel that it would end up that way too. Instead of responding to how great he was treated me..i was focusing on the "what ifs". I almost lost this guy that day...he came very close to not working things out with him and i do understand why. it was at this moment how foolish i have been and how unfair it was to him. I understand that his past is his past and people do change...and that i should trust until given a reason not to. I had written him a letter explaining what i was doing wrong and expressing all the great things about out relationship and i should have been focusing on that. he accepted my apology but he was very hesitant to at first. for the next week or two...i had really been working on my way of thinking and i was doing great...until he let me use his phone one day to call for take out. i went to go get the phone book in the other room and while i was there...i decided to check his texts. He had spent the night out the night before and was curious if he was there along like he said he was. Well we never got into an argument but he could see that i was upset about something. I was trying to keep it to myself cause i knew i was thinking unreasonable. well my friend came over to pick up his dog that i was watching and he saw that i was upset about something. he text me later to ask me what was wrong so i told him..but two of the texts got accidentally sent to my boyfriend. the texts that i he got were nothing really bad but it was obvious i guess to know that i checked his texts. After my boyfriend saw the texts, he packed his things and left with no words really being said.

It has been over a week now since he left. we have talked a little bit through text and i have tried to get him to come back..and tho he said that he cares about and misses me, that he cant because he doesnt think things will change. i was doing great and i just wish that i never checked his phone. I have ruined such a great thing and scared that it cant be repaired now.  I asked him a couple days ago to come over for dinner so we can talk and he said that he doesnt think anything i say can change things. then two days ago, i asked him again to come over to have easter dinner with me and the kids and he agreed. The only thing is that his car broke down on the way here today and he couldnt make it....i know that sounds like an excuse but it did happen. I think he said that hes going to come tomorrow instead, im guessing if he can get his car fixed.

I have been able to do a lot of thinking about my irrational thinking and what i have ruined for not only me and him but for my kids too. I came to the conclusion that because i have been a single mother for almost 10 years and having such a hard time meeting someone, I was afraid that all this would be taken away from me. I have learned alot over this and i know i can trust him now. i guess i just needed to take a step back away from the situation to really realize that. I am not saying that i wont sometimes feel that way..but i realized what i need to do to refocus those negative feelings...and snooping is definitely not on the list.

Like i have said, he agreed to come over for dinner so that just makes me believe that he agreed to it because he wants to work on things..but i cant say for sure. He knows that i will want to talk about it so i cant see why else he would agree to come. so i guess i am wondering how i should approach talking to him when he does come. I have already said sorry and explained to him before how i know this is my fault in detail...so i feel saying it again will not make things better this time. But i do want to be able to give him some kind of reassurance that i mean what i say and how i can approach this day without pushing him away further then what i have.

I have never been like this in any relationship before without reason and so i just feel ridiculous that i have done this to the best relationship that has happened to and my kids.

Thanks in advance for reading and to any advice that's given.

[Palaima]

hhmmm if my BF of one month or two would go through my facebook or phone messages he would be gone. Straight away! its not a matter of trust its-respecting each others privacy... even there is nothing to hide it still unacceptable behaviour. You are not together for years and years in order to do so with no guilt....

[teko]

I agree with the others. To move your children in with anyone you dont know well is not a wise move. With that said, your insecurity comes from this very problem. You simply do not know the guy enough to know if you can trust him with your heart, so why would you trust him with the hearts of your children? You guys need to talk and agree to slow things down a bit and start over. Date, have fun, let the relationship evolve. You have jumped in with both feet and you are now experiencing why this is not a good move. The insecurities, jealousy and all those negative emotions will kill what could have otherwise been a great relationship. How to go back? Hmmm, not sure you can.

[imanaddict]

I agree with specialmom. You have taken the relationship backwards, you don't know this man very well and  you have been a single mom of 10 years with all kinds of walls up and mistrusting of men. Your mistrust is simply because you don't know this man very well. If you had been dating him for a while and then moved in together, you probably wouldn't have those doubts. My advice is to let him stay gone but continue to date so you two can get to know each other better to avoid any more problems like this. If this guy is your knight in shining armor, let him prove that to you while dating and vice versa.

[specialmom]

I am concerned.  Leslie, you knew this man for a month and moved your two children in with him?  That is not a good idea.  The problems have nothing to do with snooping, in my opinion.  You barely knew this guy and you changed your whole life . . . and your children's . . . for him.  My husband could care less if I snoop . . .  he has nothing to hide.  You don't trust him because you took this relationship to a higher level before it was really there.  And I always am concerned when children are involved.  I think he should live in his own place and you date and see if it progresses from there.  Otherwise, I am afraid this same scenario is going to repeat.  Good luck to you and I hope everything works out.  (this is only my opinion, of course!!)