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debating on if i should forgive my husband

good morning so I have been having an issue that's been weighing on me and am asking what you all think. my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and have a great marriage. he is the step father to my two teenage daughters and they love him and he loves them as well. he has always been respectful of them and their privacy.he's never gone into their bedrooms, hes never asked them inappropriate questions, hes never just outright fondled them. we've been out of town on a few occasions in the same hotel room and hes never looked at them in that way not once. hes been home alone with them before and my girls speak up and they both said hes never tried anything when they were alone with him. he also has kids of his own, two grown girls and two grown boys. I don't believe hes out to harm them but he can get a little touchy at times. one time last year he slapped the girls on the butt and told them good job and the girls asked him not to to do that again and he hasn't since.then he tickled them a few times but they never said anything about him touching inappropriately. my girls are very vocal as well. I've asked him not to even tickle them because it could get out of hand and he hasn't done that in awhile but Sunday my oldest daughter in him were in the kitchen and he was standing behind her and had his arms under her armpits near her her breast and my youngest daughter seen it and asked what was he doing? he said he was only trying to talk to my daughter because we just put her on punishment and took her Christmas away so I guess he was trying to explain to her. but my question was why did he feel the need to touch her to explain that.so it made my daughter feel very awkward,both of them. I was getting ready to kick him out and my girls were like don't kick him out. they just wanted to understand where his motives were as am I. He said that wasn't his intention but know he shouldn't have touched her period and know it didn't look right at all.said he will never touch them in no way ever again. not even a hug unless I'm in the room. he cried really hard and kept apologizing for even breaking the rule of touching her. so what do I do here? been racking my brain the past few days.the girls said they still feel safe but is gonna take a little bit to trust him....
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649848 tn?1534633700
I was raised by a step-father, for whom I cared very much and who cared very much for me, as you say your husband and daughters do for each other.  It was not unusual for my step-father (who I actually consider my dad) to hug and kiss me like any father hugs and kisses their daughter.  I'm sure sometime (more than once), he probably even swatted me on the butt for whatever reason and one time he even had his hands under my arms because I'd sprained my ankle and he had to help me walk.  In addition, we lived on a farm and we worked together a lot... there was nothing sexual about any of our physical contact.

I understand that your daughter(s) had the situation with the older male cousin who tried to molest them.  I agree with AnnieBrooke that it might be beneficial to see a counselor to help work this out.  It will, not only, clear the air between you and your husband, but can help our daughters deal with the situation that happened when they were younger and help all of you get past that.  

It's especially important for your daughters to get past it, so they don't spend their lives projecting their feelings toward that older cousin onto every man they meet and expect them all to behave in the same manner.  Not all men behave that way (most don't) and I'm sure you want them, to someday, be able to have healthy relationships with men.  Counseling does wonders.

All of that said, forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving in order to be able to move forward.  
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Avatar universal
I always see women being extra careful around men when they have female children. I mean it is understandable, but if you put him under the microscope and try to find even the smallest thing that looks wrong in your eyes - you will find it.
If this guy was a molester I think he would've tried something thus far, and something drastic. Slap on the butt while saying "Good job" is pretty much what we see members of a sport team do it and I guess that was his intent. That thing with arms under her armpits... I really don't get, but it seems you trained both of your daughters do react immediately if there is any kind of physical contact that's going on. Not every physical contact is sexually charged, I hope you understand that. And it seems to me you are seeing this or that cause you want to. So no matter what he does it can seem wrong to you if it involves your daughters in any way.
My advice is: leave this guy. Not because I think he is a possible child molester but because you are micromanaging his and behaviour of your daughters to that point where you will just create a crater between them and him, and it will just cause awkwardness in your household. Do you want him to not have any physical contact with your kids whatsoever? Cause if you saw tickling as act of sexual advances than you can see it everywhere. And if you find stuff like this awkward than maybe the problem is in you. Are you jealous of your daughters or anything of that extent? Do you feel sexually threatened by their presence and youth? Think deeply and be honest with yourself. And stop seeing wrongs everywhere, it is simply not healthy.
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3 Comments
A bracing speech not to imagine things is appropriat if the poster had never experienced sexual molestation of any kind or seen it in her life, and if her daughters had not either. But do we know that she has not? She hasn't said what the hyper-alertness comes from. Saying she is simply not healthy and seeing wrongs everywhere might be a wake-up call for someone who is groundlessly frightened of every man's intentions, but it is pretty judgemental if the person has been molested herself, or if the person left her first husband because he molested the children. I'd suggest seeing what the poster says about why she is so concerned, before suggesting she is jealous of her daughters or sexually threatened by their youth, and telling her "maybe the problem is in you."
thank you so much AnnieBrooke for not being judgemental and understanding where I'm coming from. Honestly no I'm not jealous and you're right it is from a situation that happened sometime a gowith my girls and their older male cousin. he tried to get the girls to touch his private and tried to pull one of my girls pants down so yes our sensitivity is quite heightened.
To be honest, I kind of agree with truthlady.  I was trying to read WHY the intense scrutiny and how NO TOUCHING becomes such a stern rule.  I'm affectionate, I touch.  So, this really would be an uncomfortable living situation.  You write as if he's already been convicted of doing something to teenage girls and now is in the house on watch.  Even your daughters are saying you are over reacting (don't kick him out).  So, ya, forgive him. But this relationship will not last in my opinion. Because next its grandkids.  Such distrust of men is a bit over the top, in my opinion. Being aware, yes. But guarded in a way that any touching represents inappropriateness I'm thinking is not healthy for you or your daughters.  I didn't read the advice given here as judgmental but as one way to look at this. And the question of being jealous is a legit one. Not because of what you have written but because some women DO feel this way and they become hyper aware of every glance, touch etc.  Not saying at all this is you but it is okay to ask you that question to factor it in.  Not that it is something comfortable to answer for sure.  This is particularly true when it is a man with his own daughters . . . we've had I don't know how many posts here with step mom's coming writing in a way that their step daughters were the other woman to their partner.  

So, I just wanted to say this because I don't think anyone is being critical but rather just trying to give you different perspectives to factor in.  We all wish you the best and all posts, even those with different opinions are helpful because it gives a new thing to think about that may or may NOT be relevant.  I hope this works out but I can't imagine living in a home in which the man I'm married to is considered a threat at all times.  
134578 tn?1693250592
It kind of sounds like you are all on edge about this guy and his intentions towards his daughters and stepdaughters. Why is that, has he behaved inappropriately towards them or towards girls in the past? Or have you or your daughters been mistreated in this way by someone else in the past? What's the source of the heightened sensitivity in your family about possible sexual misbehavior? If it is his own past behavior, that seems a valid thing to worry about, but if he is being judged because of something someone else did to you or the girls that was wrong, that seems maybe a little unfair. Did he do something to someone else in the past?
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2 Comments
well honestly my girls older guy cousin tried to molest them sometime ago and that's probably for the reason of the heightened awareness of my girls. no he hasn't been with other young girls or anything of that magnitude. youre right it is unfair to him to always question his motives and actions. thank you for your sound advice.
I would suggest that you not judge the guy you are married to by the actions of a bad other guy. Was the cousin ever prosecuted? It might have helped you see that this is not the norm but was more unusual.

Your husband might even be tired of you watching  him like a hawk and suspecting him of bad intentions, it might even be that you owe him an apology. If that seems too hard, why don't you and he go in for a couple of sessions with a counselor, so you can explain to him with a helpful professional in the room the sources of your worries about your girls? Getting your head straight on this might also keep you from frightening your daughters to death about the intentions of all men, which could have the effect of making them feel helpless and like targets at all times. The world is not always a safe place, but it often is, and their confidence and strength is what will carry them through, not paranoia that every man is out to molest them. They won't get confident and strong from you acting freaked out any time a man is near them. You could even talk to the counselor about what you are projecting to them in that way.
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