delicate issue

[misssuzyq]

My boyfriend is an a wheelchair... has been since 18 (in 40s now).  When I first started seeing him, he had occasional bladder accidents, but I wasn't terribly concerned and didn't want to embarrass him by making a big deal over something I assumed he couldn't help.  Over time, though, the accidents are occurring more frequently, and are disrupting daily life.  I have seriously started to wonder if there is a bigger problem because he refuses to take measures to prevent accidents (trying different brands of external catheters, using protective undergarments, waterproof mattress protectors, etc...).  He recently said he will "NEVER" wear Depends.  

It's bad enough that he regularly (4-5 times a week) soaks his own bed or has to rush home while out to change his clothes, but it is starting to happen in my home, too.  He got really upset with me for putting a waterproof mattress cover on my bed, saying it is too hot.  I don't like him riding in my car because I have cloth seats, and I pray there isn't a problem if he sits on my furniture.  

I have really tried to be understanding.  Like I said, at first, I thought this was beyond his control and it didn't seem to happen often, but it has gotten to feel like he just doesn't care.  Anger issues over being in the chair?  Too much pride and thinking people could tell if he were to wear Depends?  I mean, wouldn't that be preferable to people seeing the huge wet spot and smelling the urine?

Any ideas?  This is about to be a deal breaker for me, as I can't figure out how to handle this and he won't talk about it.  I've suggested visiting his doctor... no.  I've suggested talking to a counselor... no.  I've suggested researching other products/brands... no.  But it is driving a wedge between us.  I don't like waking up in the middle of the night and having to go sleep on the couch.  He always says he is sorry, but it happens time after time.  I am starting to avoid him coming to my home and spending the night at his.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi also, and its great to meet people like you have the ability to love those with inflictions. What i would do is talk to his doctor about why this issue is getting more frequent. Get to know from a medical reason why this is
happening and if his inflictions get worse over time that affects his bladder.

I would imagaine having a infliction like this makes him often just to give up on dealing with it. He could just be getting burned out dealing with it as you are getting burned out dealing with it.

I feel the key is understanding exactly whats going on, whats causing this and finding some medical solutions.
God bless you, your a great and loving person!
Dave

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, it is good to know your limits.  I think this is okay to have as your deal breaker.  His attitude about it is odd.  Clearly this would be gross for anyone to have to live with and he seems like he is now saying 'too bad'.  If he isn't cooperative with things to help with the problem, I'd be upset too.  

I think you let him know this is a deal breaker. gently tell him that you understand if he has incontinence issues but that he either uses depends, the better catheter and that he makes an honest effort to curtail this problem or you have to go on.

Life with a man in a wheel chair can't be easy.  You already sacrifice some things simply because of his restrictions.  I commend you for not letting that get in the way, however, at some point, it is too much to ask.  You might be at that point.  

good luck and let us know how things once you have firmly let him know your boundary with this.  peace