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domineering and abusive son

My son just wants money off me all the time, feels its ok to abuse and bully, he's 23 and wont work, says he's depressed. Am i right to cut him off? He lives with his dad
6 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I don't think you have to 'cut him off' officially.  Just don't give him any money and be codependent in his life choices that aren't good.  You can set boundaries with him like anyone else.  Say something like "I love you and am here for you.  But I don't have money to give you and will say no when you ask.  And my expectation is that if you become verbally abusive to me, that we end the conversation for that day".  Then if he does, say no to money.  And if he becomes abusive, calmly say "I'm sorry, but this makes me uncomfortable.  You have to leave (or leave yourself, however the situation calls for)---  and we can talk again later."  

Cutting off our offspring is painful.  in the long run, you'll hurt from doing that, I believe.  good luck
1 Comments
Thank you for that, I will try it but he is very angry with me
Avatar universal
It concerns me that You say He's "very angry", that He "abuses" and "bully's" You.  At 23 He is not a child, He is a grown man and it's VERY disconcerting that He would treat His Mother this way.  You say He lives with His Dad - Can You talk to His Father about this ??  Irregardless of why You're not together You are still both Parents to Him and I would expect His Father would support You on this.  Otherwise, You may need to take more serious steps : as in a formal restraining order.  It is NOT okay for a 23 year old man to "bully" or "abuse" anyone, certainly not His Mother.   Good Luck
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, what is he angry at you about?  What happened? Maybe that would help us in helping you.  :>)
1 Comments
He's zangry because I won't give him money mainly but also that I don't see him as much as he'd like, his dad had him arrested for wrecking his house, his sister won't talk to him because he verbally abused her when he got 'anxious' cause he couldn't smoke in an airport. There's lots of things he's angry about but when he has money he's as nice as anything
Avatar universal
Your second post came as no surprise to me.  It's apparent that Your Son has issues.  You are not the only one He's been abusive to but EveryOne in the Family.  His own Father had Him arrested for WRECKING !! His house !!   To me that attests that He's beyond You or His Father's guidance (let's remember He's 23).  I'm sure You've already taught Him 'right from wrong' - He's choosing to be abusive to You, His Father and even His Sister.  You shouldn't tolerate this because He's Your Son - after all He's not treating You as a Mother.  I would suggest the 'tough love' approach and I would take a restraining order.  Your message to Him would be that His behavior is NOT alright and that You are NOT going to tolerate it.  Strangers on the street treat You better than He is treating You.  I don't speak without feeling here.  I once had to take a restraining order against my own Son.  It's a painful thing to do but sometimes it's necessary.  My heart is heavy for You in this situation and I Wish You The Best.  PS:  "When He has money He's nice as anything"  that's because He got what He wanted.  When He doesn't get what He wants He's abusive.  He needs to know His Family will no longer tolerate that from Him.  His Sister has taken the best approach for HerSelf and I'm certain She loves Him too.
2 Comments
Ditto, help him by teaching him that his behavior is intolerable.  Let him know that's your intention with any action that he causes you to take.  The money should be off the table. It might as well be drugs he's looking for from you. It won't help him to enable his behavior. Maybe try listening to codependency audio books would help you , and in turn, help him. Best of luck with it all.
Incidentally, this will take time, please know we here at Medhelp are here for you at every step, so please keep your thread active and let us know how it's unfolding. Blessings.
3060903 tn?1398565123
May i ask why you don't see him as much as he'd like? Is it because he's abusive, that would be a no brainer, if that is the case, make sure he knows why you're not seeing him as much as he'd like and tell him that if you can heal your relationship and his other relationships it would be an incentive to see him more. Or, if it's because he's always hitting you up for money, same thing.
1 Comments
Also, has he gone to a doctor for depression? does he drink (which is a depressive)? could it be that he's doing drugs? does he go out and "party with friends"? Maybe this is about him having issue with drug alcohol dependency? He needs to exercise if he's depressed. It might be helpful for you to be armed with info, doctor, on depression to make it clear to him that as his mother you would like to support the real issues that are making his life difficult, that having money that you haven't earned is not going to truly make him proud and happy, it is only putting a band aid on the real problems that he is experiencing and that is affecting all his relationships.
495284 tn?1333894042
It isnt your responsibility to give this grown man money.  Until there are boundries set and the enabling is over with he will continue to act like this.    I know this is easier said than done but continuing to give in when he has a temper tantrum isnt helping him at all.  
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