family relationship

Question

Recently my son and I had an argument and he told me he hated me and has always hated me(he is 40 years old)
I felt very hurt by this and it has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now. I think he was sorry for what he said but that does not make it go away. He also bought up things that happened over 30 years ago, so they must be on his mind also.
Should I let it go or sit down and have  a talk with him get all these things out in the open?

Nighthawk61 · Answer

You could ask him whether he would feel more comfortable writing you a letter or email, rather than talking in person,but, at least with my son, I would be worried, that he might really be needing a hands on talk with mom, and he might think that I was saying i could do without this conversation, by saying "write it in an email". You know your son and how he might think about you suggesting a letter instead. The thing is, that if a kid has a problem with mom, he's been thinking about it for years, he's probably written it down already, and could have sent a letter all these years, but chose to bring it up by telling you, so i would think if it was my son telling me, that he needed the up close and personal approach, rather than a letter.

RockRose · Answer

I agree with the others,  and I think you should invite him to write a letter or an email expressing his feelings.  I just think you should let him know you are open to this conversation,  if in fact you are open.  

I have 3 sons in their 20's,  and this would be painful for me if they said this - but I would want to know what they were upset about,  so I could apologize or somehow explain.  I do understand that sometimes there are misunderstandings,  and sometimes you make a mistake and do the wrong thing,  and sometimes there's nothing else you could have done.  

I just think you should be open,  and receptive.  

Best wishes.  This is really hard.

specialmom · Answer

Hi there.  So sorry for the fight.  That must have hurt.  We give and give to our children and for them to harbor ill will for things when they were little kids is upsetting.

But reality.  I always say that my husband and I am sure we've unintentionally provided years of future therapy moments for our kids.  That's life. We are all doing the best that we can.  We all male mistakes.  

I agree with nighthawk that it would be good to say that you want to talk to him and allow him to air his grievances.  Hear him.  Acknowledge.  Apologize if you need to.  And perhaps he can let it all go.  Then forgive him for his outburst.  Remember, a sad part of being human is using our words to hurt when angry.  We should all try to stay around that but we all do it.  Heck, maybe those are some of his hurts from his childhood, right?  But you know what, we often don't fully mean what we say.  We are just fired up. So, forgive him for his harsh words.  

He's your son.  You love him.  Hear him out.  good luck and peace.  Come back and let us know how it is going, okay?  hugs

Nineout · Answer

sorry meant to write  mother...good thoughts going out to you..

Nineout · Answer

what a brave thing to tackle, but yes I think meeting head on sometimes to resolve misunderstanding many years ago is very important. You clearly love your son, and by the sound of it he loves you. I think it is possible that a ten year old sees the world and family very differently, but to hold that for so long inside is probably made the issue out of proportion

..If you have an idea of what has upset him it will give to a better chance to prepare for a talk, as not even remembering the incident that he mentions to you will probably not actually help... do not feel that you are a bad father,..we are all human, and all of us have faults...
 Once you have talked it through. the air will seem clearer.

I do think he is reaching out to you. He is probably being unfair on you and knows that and possibly he has made the issue seem worse to get your attention. He may have deserved being told off at the time...so I wouldn't be too quick to say sorry. Just talk it through with him.  Maybe he just wants to know that you love him.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Hi Mom. 

Your son is actually reaching out to you, letting you know that he has issues as a result of his childhood. While it is untimely , in that you are 72,and could probably do without the stress. On the other hand, your child needs you, and so you've rallied up your courage and are taking steps to help him, regardless of how this may go for you. I admire your strength.

I think it is your duty as a mother to ask him to sit down and talk about things that have happened in the past that have made him uncomfortable or have hurt him. You can tell him that you would like to hear how he "feels" and that he can be honest with you. That's all you can do.

Do you have any  close friends, that can support you before and after this talk?