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how do I accept being cheated on?

I have been with this man for 2 years and we have a baby. He has been dealing with porn addiction and has never told anyone except for me now. I recently found out that it was way more of an issue. He was on dating sites and flirting with one of my old co workers. They also had a past. I love him a lot though. He is the father of my baby but sometimes i cant look at him the same way and I get an attitude so he will feel as bad as I do. He cheated on his ex in the past and now my perspective on love has changed. I thought I was perfect for him. My trust for him is long gone. I check his fb and insta everytime I get on the computer. Pls help.
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134578 tn?1614729226
Do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Cheating is a really hard thing to get over just by yourself, you need a neutral third party to talk to.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First of all, none of that is cheating on you.  Yet.  Maybe he is and maybe he isn't, but you'll never be able to police a lover's thoughts.  I'm also not sure what a porn addiction is -- what's the withdrawal when you stop?  It's a bad habit or a neutral habit, I'm not going to judge it people liking porn and I'm not even sure what porn actually is, but most of us at some point do look at something that is sexually arousing to us that isn't our wives or lovers.  Doesn't mean we're acting on it, which is what cheating is.  I would say, though, that if you can't trust him, the relationship is already over.  Can't be love without some blind faith to it, because humans are pretty poor specimens of wonderful behavior.  If you truly can't trust him, again, it's already over.  If you're not sure if you trust him, that's an issue you have to work out with him.  As for being perfect for him, there's no such thing.  We can and usually do love a lot of people before we're dead.  Few have just one love in their lives.  If you want to work it out, that's what you will have to do, work.  That will involve the two of you talking it out, or couple's therapy if that isn't possible, but I do want to say a third time, if you completely lack trust in him forever and ever you've already broken up with him in your mind so you have to decide if that's really true.  So far, you've said he's done things you wish he wouldn't, but haven't stated yet a case of cheating.  Peace.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
He was on dating websites and flirting with a girl asking for her onlyfans and etc. that to me is cheating. I had even asked him not to talk with her because it would hurt me because I found out that he had asked or begged for her onlyfans. We were friends back in the day too. And he hid it behind my back. I have no problem with him viewing porn....
207091 tn?1337709493
You're putting up with an awful lot from him. If he's truly addicted to porn, how is he "dealing" with that? Is he getting help? It doesn't sound like it. And flirting with someone he has a past with isn't part of a porn addiction - that's slimy.

If he's addicted - to porn, to sex, to whatever - what is he doing to get help? What is he doing to prove to you that he respects you and wants you to stay?

Whether or not he's cheating - and everyone has different definitions of that, and if you haven't defined for him what you think it is, now is a great time to do so - he is still doing things that make you feel bad.

When you get to the point where you are checking his socials, it's bad. You have a child together. I'd suggest couples therapy. If he won't go, go alone.

Best of luck to you. :)
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So listen.  I don't tell women that they have to leave.  Many do make things work after infidelity if they think they want to salvage the relationship. It takes work.  Has he actually been intimate with someone else or are you not really sure but think he has?  But regardless, he's emotionally intimate with other people outside of your relationship.  Whew, hard to swallow.  Does he know that you know?  What does he say?  His reaction is telling as to if this can work out or not. Contrite and willing to work on it gives you a chance!  Then he needs to do that work. And you need to be able to voice your fear, concerns, anger and insecurity about all of this!  A couples counselor or a counselor all your own to talk it through with would be helpful!  It takes time. It doesn't heal over night.  And hopefully he is committed to the hard road of regaining your trust.  I feel for you.  This is hard. How did you meet him if I may ask?
Helpful - 0
3 Comments
You know, several times people have come on here and raised concerns because someone was still in contact with their "ex."  Flirting is usually totally harmless.  Action is not.  I'm not sure why what has been described here is so concerning to women.  Maybe we haven't gotten to as much equality of the sexes as I thought, but women also flirt, women also look at porn, etc.  Cheating is when you do something with someone else.  I have been friends with "exes."  Why wouldn't I be?  I liked them enough to have an intense relationship with them, why because it ended would I not want to still be friends with them?  Why throw it all away?  It doesn't always happen, because we don't always like the people we love and we sometimes end so badly that can't happen.  So again, just from my point of view, nothing stated here has yet said to me this is a true problem, but more of a suspicion.  Again, I'm not sure what an "addiction" to porn is it's a habit not an addiction, and if it's too much it's too much the same way playing tennis six times a week instead of being home is, not like taking heroin.  So the real question is, do you still love the guy?  Do you still like him?  If you object a lot to whatever a partner does, that's bad for any relationship.  If you don't trust your lover, it's toast.  Peace.
I'm friends with all of my exes, but it's all family friendly, not secretive, and they haven't worked with anyone I was in relationships with. I also don't have porn addictions that I have to keep secret.

I don't know what the OP is defining as flirting or what she is defining as a porn addiction. It ultimately doesn't matter to me, really. What might be okay for my relationship isn't working for her.

I suggested therapy and communication because all that can be worked out by talking about it. Maybe it is just insecurity, maybe it's beyond that.

Totally agree that if there's no trust, there's nothing. If you're checking you're partner's social media, it's basically toast.
He was on dating websites and she wasn't an ex she was a girl that had done sexual things with him when he was with his ex. He cheated on his ex in the past many times. Guess it's my fault for believing I could change him or something huh? I don't care about the porn problem and yes I do love him I just worry about him talking with someone and actually meeting up. He told that one chick he'd take pictures of her for her onlyfans. I'd consider this cheating even if it wasn't physical.
134578 tn?1614729226
I'm re-reading this and trying to get if there was actual cheating going on, or if you just think he might cheat. Only your title says "being cheated on," but nothing in your text says "I found him in bed with another woman" or anything like that.

If he hasn't had sex with someone else, you haven't been cheated on. If he hasn't cheated, the only alarming part of what you originally wrote is that he is "going on dating sites," because a dating site is for meeting people and possibly actually going to see someone else. But all you say he did was make flirty remarks. I think it would be exaggerating to call that "cheating." If that's really just it, and he hasn't been stepping out on you and having sex, I'd drop it and for heaven's sake, stop checking his social media.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
OK, so you're saying what he did, is offer to take some photos of a woman he knew before for her to post on a website; she's not a past girlfriend but he had done sexual things with her in the past, when he had a (different) girlfriend. The site is one in which people (often the woman herself) post sexual content and get paid by subscribers to look at her stuff. And he has a history of not being faithful to his girlfriend in the past, and he's saying things to this woman in a flirty way. And you're labelling this as "cheating."

It's a mess, for sure, and I'd be mad if I were you, and he sure doesn't sound like a prize. But (hate to quibble with your certainty) it sounds like what he's doing so far is lying to you (or hiding his online activity), not cheating on you. (Unless it gets to the point where he actually has sex with the woman.) I only mention this because when people get mad, if they toss in accusations that the other person thinks are not fair or inaccurate, things go south really fast. It's like pouring gas on the flames. Saying he's cheating if he is not actually physically cheating would likely do that, if he's defensive.

Of *course* if he seriously meant to take salacious pictures of someone else (if it wasn't just all talk), he should have said something to you or else just not considered it. Because of *course* you would care. So now you have to decide, was it "just" his love of porn talking, or is he actually on the way out of your relationship? Does he intend to stay with you and keep going with online kinkiness? Is he concerned about his porn addiction and trying to change, or if you don't say anything will he do it forever? And what do you want from him?
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