i need help with my step daughter

[bubs0602]

my step daughter come to live with myself and her dad (we have been together 5yrs) 19months ago, she tells me every day that she hates me, nothing i say or does for her is good enough, her dad is no help, he never keeps to the punishments, so i know its his fault aswell, i do not know what to do, do i leave and let them both go on with there lives, or do i stay and get us all help??

[sammy73]

I don't think she's necessarily saying she hates you because you are being too strict (whether you are or not) - that may be a trigger, but there are likely much deeper things going on here.  She feels this way because you are not her mother.  Because her father is with you, not with her mother, and she may subconciously blame you for that fact.  Maybe she is angry or resentful with you that she has to live with you when maybe she would prefer to live with her mother - I don't know, but it's possible.  She's angry because you are an outsider that is interfering in her relationship with her father.

I'd agree that you need to have rules, and boundaries, and those boundaries should be agreed with your husband and you should both stick to them in a consistent manner.

However, just as important, I think it would help if you did some "good cop" stuff with her, as well as the "bad cop" discipline stuff.  Bond with her, do stuff that you can enjoy together, build a relationship that involves you enjoying spending time together rather than just being based on you telling her to do stuff and her yelling back that she hates you.  I don't know what age she is, so what you could do depends on that - it could be going swimming or ice-skating together, or clothes shopping, or a trip to a theme park.  Ideally something that is just the two of you, not your husband, so she has to focus on how she is responding to you.  Don't make this a one-off either, do it on a regular basis.

Good luck, I hope things improve!

[jo929]

In any age with children there has to be some ground rules made, and stick to them you are the adult, and she is the child ask your husband again to cooperate,sit her down and tell her just what will happen if she continues in this way, make her stay in her room or take something away that she likes make her earn your respect you will have  to do something and so will your husband or you will not have a marriage, and i do not know her age , but if she is old enough to say i hate you she is old enough to take the punishment also she knows  just what she is doing so do not let your self be manipulated by a child who should know better, if hubby does not agree tell hin to take her and leave after all you should have some respect from her never give in to a child be it yours or someone elses they will not respect you for it  luck  jo

[mami1323]

You are sort of giving up kind of easily I would say if you walk away.  This must be a tough transition for your step daughter.  Why isn't she staying with her mom?  She is probably used to getting away with everything and probaby says that she hates you because you lay down ground rules.  How old is she?  She seems like she is just lashing out and you're the target.  You and her father need to openly communicate about the issues, set rules and standards and stick by them.  If he is incapable of this then I suggest you both get some counseling to help you work on that.  Maybe even look into family counseling with the 3 of you.  But if you love him and he's a good man then these issues can be worked through.