is my husband gay?

[amiacoverup]

I need advice from men.  I'll try to make it short and sweet.  Here are the facts:  We've been married for five years, have two small children together and i brought a son from my previous marriage into our marriage.  My husband admitted to me when we were dating that he was molested when he was younger. He said that he went on a streak before he was a Christian where he met men online and had sex with them in hotel rooms.  He told me he would get physically ill and puke sometimes after these encounters.  He said his ex-fiance of like 6 years would tell him she wanted him to go have sex with men and then come tell her about it because it would get her horny.  He did it but claims he didn't like it.  He was also raped by some supposed gay friends when he was going through this sleeping with men stage.  He claimed he had told one of the men that he wasn't interested and went over there casually as a friend and had a drink and he was drugged and raped by a group of men.  He filed a police report and went to the hospital and all that stuff.  He said once he became saved he stopped sleeping with men.  He also left his fiance.  We didn't date for long and I was okay with this gay stuff until now.  He recently admitted to watching gay porn.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm possibly a cover up.  He has made comments before about how my jaw hurting during a ******** is a cop out because he's given many blow jobs and his jaw never hurt.  He's also said that *** doesn't taste as bad as I make it seem.  I have never really had a great sex drive but i really lost it after he told me all that and now I feel like I'm being compared to men when I try to give blow jobs and have sex.  I wonder if he's wishing I was a former male lover or something.  I also worry about my son who is now 10.  My husband told me that when he was in his teens, he molested/raped his two younger brothers but stopped because he knew it was wrong.  He said he was just trying to make sense of what happened to him.  I have a master's degree in psychology and on one hand it makes sense, but on the other hand, i just don't know.  He claims that he is disgusted by gay porn but yet he admitted that it turns him on.  He claims he "doesn't know" what excites him about it.  I don't know what to think.  I'm torn on if he really does love me or if he's just in denial that he is gay.  Any advice would be great.  He is in his mid 30s by the way.

[WonkyInTheCountry]

First of all I'm a 50 year old man who's had sexual urges since I've been 18. Men are wired to have sex period. Unfortunately he said some very bad experiences when he was younger. The bottom line is he needs help. And it needs to be fast. If he doesn't have something that wakes him up soon it could be detrimental to you or your kids. When men start experimenting with other man or women or toys or whatever or even animals, that means they're looking for more and more of the pleasure full experiences. This means he can't control his urges and needs counseling. If he saved like he says he is he needs to start with his pastor and I would suggest a sex therapist also. And you need to be actively involved in both of those. The others are probably right but only you know your husband. If you love him getting treatment. If he's bisexual he will probably always be that way but you need to protect yourself and your kids and you need to make sure he knows will prosecute him if he does something wrong. But only you can decide what to do as far as staying with him.

[Kwyjib0]

Well if he's not sleeping with men now only because he was "saved," it's pretty obvious that is really is gay.  If you love ice cream, but you go on a diet and won't eat it, that doesn't mean you don't still love ice cream.

[Nighthawk61]

Can you come back and talk to us ? Hoping this note finds you well.

[SB_87]

Wow. Get your Lil boy out of that home. This man has major issues.

[seanlANG]

Ok to answer your question point blank. Yes your husband is Gay or at least Bi. I don;t know how you could of ever been with him in the first place when he told you his sick history.From a straight man's point of view the thought of touching or kissing another man is disgusting, does'nt seem like you husband feels that way! You need to split with him asap and get a real MAN.That's what is prob wrong with your sex drive.

[Mistyrious]

I went through almost an identical situation with my ex only we were not married. (Thank God!) At first I started catching him on heterosexual chat sites, porn sites, live Web cam girl sites etc. It would rip my Soul out each time and he would promise to stop.

Then I caught him on gay chat which he denied but it was on his phone plus he made a butt plug, took a pic of it and shared it on the site. He claimed he hated fags and was "just ******* with them" as if I was just born yesterday.

So then I'd catch him back on the "women" sex sites. I'd threaten to leave and ,twice actually did move out. He'd cry saying how sorry he was, that he had a disease and needed help and I deserved so much better. He would swear and promise through his tears to do things to get better. Like counseling which he'd go once or twice then stop. He'd buy self help books on Internet porn addiction and pretend to read. He'd listen to healing meditation/hypnosis YouTube videos on the subjects. Always only long enough he had convinced me to stay or move back in, then he'd go right back to his deceiving ways.

I started gradually finding more and more, each time bigger butt toys hidden that he would make out of tools, electrical tape and or clay.

I started reading my own self help books and researching online and YouTube. And this is what I learned.

The majority of them will be obsessed with "normal" porn and women, women, women and/or marry a woman or women. All of this, the excuses,justifications, promises to change, so called facts they've already changed (such as being saved) and looking at, being with and/or marrying a woman are exactly what you call it.... Cover ups.

Sadly, the statistics of these men changing and losing these urges are less than 10%. The very few that do, did very hard, extensive Soul searching work and weekly therapy for at least FIVE YEARS. It is just too easy to remain the same and continue with, and get better and better at deceiving themselves and others, and creating more cover-ups.

SWEETHEART, IM SO SORRY BUT, He WILL NOT LIKELY CHANGE! GET THE F OUT NOW!

If not for you, your kids!! You put them at risk for at least two things.

One, children learn behaviors from adults. Do you want them learning and repeating this behavior and think it's ok or even normal?  

Two,it is a VERY HIGH probability rate that he will abuse your kids especially the younger ones. Could you live with that guilt of these things happening because you didn't leave him? The guilt would eat you alive!  

PLEASE LEAVE OR KICK HIM OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

I'm not being a pessimist. I'm being a realist based on personal experiences both with myself and a few friends and FACT from findings after extensive case studies.

Love and light

[Nighthawk61]

sorry i was editing and it got away, please disregard anything after my first sentence in the last paragraph, and yours when you said..."My husband admitted to me when we were dating that he was molested when he was younger."

If he was molested prior to his thinking about abusing his brothers, it is probably why he was considering victimizing his brothers, but you also said he knew better and stopped, so i'm not sure what he did exactly to his brothers. From what you've said the brothers were not raped, and he was not a rapist of young boys. However, he's had a deviant sexual lifestyle, he is acting out with you that he still considers himself to be acting out sexually, (comparing the sexual act with others) He is acting with you as if he has no compassion for you at all, no sensitivity, it's just all about a sex act and nothing more. It doesn't sound like he's ever had counseling for all that's happened to him sexually and all that he's been involved in,, and i think without that kind of help, he may not ever be able to be the type of partner that a women would feel comfortable with or being vulnerable to. .

I think if it were me, i would not find that acceptable. I would definitely have lost all interest in any intimacy at this point, and i would be pretty sure that if my partner was not getting his sexual needs and urges met in the home, that he would be going out of the home, if not already, in the near future. As he is watching male porn, and admittedly what turns him on, i would logically assume that he is gay and would be seeking male partners , maybe along with female partners. He may be bisexual.

Your partner sounds confused, with no ability to see that he needs help, or that he is not treating you as he should as a result of him getting no help. He seems to totally disregard your needs. This is what happens when a person has lived their lives vulnerable to people taking advantage of them. They become desensitized and that's what you're dealing with. A sexually confused, desensitized gay man with experience wanting young boys that were related, is not someone i would want around my children unsupervised. You haven't mentioned how old your children are, and whether they are at an age where you can talk to them about keeping themselves safe and telling you if there is anything happening to them that shouldn't be.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. The problem i'm afraid is being lulled into a false sense of security within the church. Being "saved" does not mean that he's been able to find closure to his terribly unhealthy lifestyle of his past. I think you should consider the point that he treats you like a piece of meat, and it  seems like you and he are nothing more than two sharing a sexual act, rather than expressing feelings of love as a beginning. You desperately need marriage counseling if you are planning on staying together, and he desperately needs personal therapy IF (and it is an IF) IF he wants to have a successful heterosexual relationship.

[Nighthawk61]

Welcome to Medhelp. I read and reread your post and tried to put myself in your shoes and consider what i would think or do in your position. It's a hell of a position to be in, and really feel for you. I'm glad you posted and hope that you get some small amount of support for your trouble.

You've said.."  He has made comments before about how my jaw hurting during a ******** is a cop out because he's given many blow jobs and his jaw never hurt.  He's also said that *** doesn't taste as bad as I make it seem."  Who does this? Who compares your lovemaking to a prior sexual partners.? He and you are a mature couple, married in the Church, not "playing" or acting on sexual desires for experience, you are a couple raising children together in a union supposedly blessed by God, and you should be made to feel that you are making love and not simply being compared to sex trade workers or the equivalent. I'm really concerned for you that you are with a man that is treating your union as a mere sexual act that can be compared.. like buying oil for the car. He's so cold and unfeeling while discussing your most intimate moments. This would not just turn me off, i think that it would seriously be a deal breaker for me.

You've said " I wonder if he's wishing I was a former male lover or something." I don't know if he is comparing you to a specific past lover, or wishing you were them, but i think what he is doing however, is classifying your lovemaking sessions and judging your lovemaking sessions as a John would when tipping , recommending, or evaluating a prostitute.

Now i'm NOT saying this is most important or more important than how this relationship might come to affect your children, but i am saying, without children being in the picture at all, i can't see why you would stay with such a person that would be so crude and cruel as to evaluate you like you were a prostitute, and find you wanting.

As for his past , with his brothers.  You've said " My husband admitted to me when we were dating that he was molested when he was younger.
He never mentioned abuse prior to his considering abusing his brothers, but it seems that when he was a teenager, his first inclination , without abuse was that he was possibly gay. It sounds like he may have had trouble in his childhood and was acting out , with the many lovers,

[RockRose]

I don't think you're a "cover up",  as you walked into this relationship knowing he was gay.

I really have no idea why you are asking if he's gay with the mountains of clear evidence that he is.

[AnnieBrooke]

OK, let's talk about things in order of importance and risk.  

Here is #1, you are a mother and your children deserve your every protection at all costs. Your husband has told you that in the past he molested/raped his younger brothers.  He is living with you and your son (who is not even his son, so no sentimental protectiveness from him on that count) who is now 10, and with your two younger children.  Your husband has never had therapy or even (apparently) apologized to his brothers for the horrible crime he committed against them.  Would your son be able to tell you if he was being molested by this man who you have made clear (by marrying him) is important to you?  Have you talked to your son obliquely to try to find this out without frightening him?  Child molesters often marry women with children and groom the kids until the time when they want to abuse them.  This is really an awful situation, and if you don't take it seriously you are simply putting your head in the sand.

Second most important is you falling for the b.s. he is feeding you about how he has been saved and now everything is all right.  I am all for being saved, but this guy is telling you one unrealistic story after another and you are buying it out of your desire to believe it, not because he is really being persuasive.  (Did you know that child molesters like working in churches because people are so trusting that they will look right at the abuse and deny it is possible?)  I don't hear you say that he has gone through intensive therapy to remove the desire to commit sexual violence against children.  I hear you say he has committed sexual crimes and has also been in some kinky and violent sexual situations and hasn't done anything to straighten himself out (besides, of course, get saved).

You seem to be wondering only if he is gay.  It hardly matters; he certainly is a sexual deviant if he has been a rapist of children (let's not fail to mention, incestuously also).  His sexuality is probably so tied up in violence that he may not be able to sort it out.  Are you saying your big concern is that you are wondering if he is using you as a cover?  What about your children's safety?

If you didn't have kids to protect, I would say you're an adult, get tested for STDs and AIDS about every 6 months and buy his story if you feel like it.  But for your oldest son's sake and the sake of the other kids as time goes by, you either need to leave the marriage (and that will take a good exit plan) or at the very least, never leave the kids alone with him.  

If you decide to split up, you are going to have the problem that he looks unremarkable in terms of any proof you would have about his intentions or his kinks.  I assume there have never been charges filed and he has never confessed to any of this in a way that you could show to a judge.  You might consider making some recordings of him telling you this stuff, or try to keep some emails about it (you could email him about the gay porn, for example, and keep his responses).  Getting proof matters a lot, because if he looks to a judge like he is generally OK, he will be able to have the kids over on weekends and other times, and you won't be there to protect them.

My advice is, perhaps he's gay and perhaps he's just a perv, but he does seem dangerous to your children.  Child molesters don't change their desires even if they restrain their behavior, so you need to be eternally vigilant.  Teach the kids the language about "good touching" vs. "bad touching" and about their private parts being where their bathing suit covers, and all of that, and make SURE they would feel safe telling you if something untoward happened.  Then think of long-term plans to break off the marriage without leaving the kids in his hands even for the odd weekend or vacation.