Aa
lost dont know what to do anymore...
Well as some of you may know my story from 3 years ago some don't look at my page and in my journals...Anthony got out March 5th. All was fine and dandy but beg of april things took a turn for the worst. I caught him lying to me, getting frustrated a lot. One day he ws outside smoking n i went n caught him attempting to post an add on craiglist for sex...can u imagine? I felt torn inside and angry n jus cried because of the past how can i trust this idiot now? A week passes i seen him checking his email n he got very protective ovr his cell n wdnt let me see we argued i got it somehow so for the last week he's been emailing girls to come to my house whn I'm at work even asleep WHEN MY KIDS ARE THERE!! TO go do sexual things amd have sex. I wanted to die. We had big fights then the next weekend i found him doin drugs spice* it doesn't come up in a drug test and he's good to go law wise right another big fight he promised it was for stress n blah blah blah n he wdbt do it anymore n he didn't want to lose his family. This was barely may 23 since we havnt bn really arguing but the other day he took off n left the kids with my grandma he had no $$. I wonderrd y would he need to go to walmart wt no $$ ??? I asks him he said he was putting a ring on layaway for me n my dum *** believed him but i new deep down he was hidn sumin i felt it. Today i confronted him ovr n over n over again and finaly he said he went to go get drugs. I wantd to hit him sooo bad but instead i jus took a shower an been in my room since upset. Idk what to do its liea after lies after lies and he says he wont do it again and hes srry but he does I'm so hurt n just drained from all these lies. I feel like evrythng outa his mouth is a lie. :'( and after what he put us through 3 yrs ago you woulda thought he would b greatfull for a second chance....lucky
COMMUNITY LEADER
Shell, tinkerbell, you two have had happy marriages under your belt, I admire your input. thank you
Great insight Tynk!
Unfortunately, many persons do understand that love is a choice, but many of them choose wrong anyways. In my opinion, persons who are determined to take hold of unhealthy relationships, are often plagued by a larger issue. So therefore, their need to keep someone who is not good for them around, is just a branch of the larger problem. This can mean many things such as certain mood disorders, which causes negative feelings towards ones self. There is this need to have someone, ANYONE around because a person may feel, "no one else will love me," or "I am not good enough to find anyone else."
Some persons are simply unwilling to start over from scratch and they fear being alone. While others, simply do not wish to try. Commonly, some women genuinely cannot see past the good days, the used to be and the half occasional concern that they receive. They exaggerate every tiny detail in their men and convince themselves that it is a sure sign of "love and commitment" that is not so. Its just like death for some people -- a man may give them hell and the moment they die, they take it to heart because he was "the love of their lives" and suddenly, all that is left are the "good times" and they cannot let go.
They tell themselves are sorts of craziness and make up multiple excuses so that they can justify staying with the unhealthy person. I always say: Rip off the band aid, feel the pain and let the cut heal. Do not let someone hurt up your wound every day, it will become infected and cause greater problems. Simply do what you have to, feel the broken heart, the depression and be lost for a little while. Your heart with mend and you will do better next time to protect it being wiser and learning from your mistakes. You will smile again and smile brighter because the true root of your pain is not there to cause you grief any more and you will find your way again and this time, you will find great comfort in where you are at.
Anna
Unfortunately, many persons do understand that love is a choice, but many of them choose wrong anyways. In my opinion, persons who are determined to take hold of unhealthy relationships, are often plagued by a larger issue. So therefore, their need to keep someone who is not good for them around, is just a branch of the larger problem. This can mean many things such as certain mood disorders, which causes negative feelings towards ones self. There is this need to have someone, ANYONE around because a person may feel, "no one else will love me," or "I am not good enough to find anyone else."
Some persons are simply unwilling to start over from scratch and they fear being alone. While others, simply do not wish to try. Commonly, some women genuinely cannot see past the good days, the used to be and the half occasional concern that they receive. They exaggerate every tiny detail in their men and convince themselves that it is a sure sign of "love and commitment" that is not so. Its just like death for some people -- a man may give them hell and the moment they die, they take it to heart because he was "the love of their lives" and suddenly, all that is left are the "good times" and they cannot let go.
They tell themselves are sorts of craziness and make up multiple excuses so that they can justify staying with the unhealthy person. I always say: Rip off the band aid, feel the pain and let the cut heal. Do not let someone hurt up your wound every day, it will become infected and cause greater problems. Simply do what you have to, feel the broken heart, the depression and be lost for a little while. Your heart with mend and you will do better next time to protect it being wiser and learning from your mistakes. You will smile again and smile brighter because the true root of your pain is not there to cause you grief any more and you will find your way again and this time, you will find great comfort in where you are at.
Anna
wow ttinkkerbbell - I agree with ALL you wrote! excellent-!
"the party of the least interest is the party of the most power" is a saying i came to understand years ago.
and yes love is a CHOICE-! yes !
for a good relationship, our negative emotions (criticism, contempt, emotional withdrawal, boredom, loneliness) must be out numbered by positive emotions (interesting activities, conversation, affection, appreciation, concern, fun, sex) by 5 to 1. We all need love and respect.
the couples that stay together have 5 positive interactions for every negative one. this is proved by research--john gottman's books are all about why relationships succeed or fail.
"the party of the least interest is the party of the most power" is a saying i came to understand years ago.
and yes love is a CHOICE-! yes !
for a good relationship, our negative emotions (criticism, contempt, emotional withdrawal, boredom, loneliness) must be out numbered by positive emotions (interesting activities, conversation, affection, appreciation, concern, fun, sex) by 5 to 1. We all need love and respect.
the couples that stay together have 5 positive interactions for every negative one. this is proved by research--john gottman's books are all about why relationships succeed or fail.
Love is a CHOICE.
There is Good and Bad in ALL relationships. If the Good outweighs the Bad, all is well. But if the Bad outweighs the good, it's time to make a CHOICE.
Often in Relationships, One cares more than the Other. It's the One who cares the least that has the "power", the "control". But, we ALWAYS have CHOICE.
Regarding the Children:
We Mothers and Fathers are Modeling to our Children - Children Live and Learn the dysfunction that We model to Them. I truely think that often We and Our Children make poor CHOICE in a Partner because We have grown up with dysfunction and We have learned to live with dysfunction in Our Primary Family.
(massages and back rubs and apologies and tell me what You want and I love You - are sometimes manipulation)
Kayannaboo is right-- when you become a parent, it's not about you anymore, its about what's best for the children.
If you were single and wanted to accept abuse for YOURSELF then fine but when you have kids, you owe it to them to PROTECT them. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST.
specialmom is right--become practical about relationships. If they cause you a lot of grief and are dysfunctional, it is time to say goodbye. LIFE IS SHORT. CHOOSE HEALTH, RESPECT & PEACE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
THEY WILL THANK YOU ONE DAY.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Dear, I think from past and current conversations, there is a part of you that realizes that the situation with him isn't good and part that still clings to it. It is the old head verses heart. I'm very practical about relationships. If they cause us a lot of grief and are dysfunctional, it is time to say goodbye. Pm me any time. We are all pulling for you to have a good life.
Its a shame that you are having such difficulty. I often say to myself, "If I know what's good for me, then why do I end up doing the opposite?" I am yet to find the answer but I have found something that works, stop over thinking instead of doing what I am sure is BEST. We allow love to rule over all else sometimes and I am firm believer of love, I believe that love is a wonderful thing HENCE I KNOW that if something is hurting me and making me feel like "I want to die", then there's no way it can be love. Love doesn't hurt, you do not hurt the people you love or the things you love. Shell makes a wonderful point about appreciating YOU and loving YOU, when you do that, then you will never accept anything less than what you know you deserve. Self-love is not arrogance or being a narcissist, its about knowing your worth. We constantly over romanticize when its time to make the decision of cutting someone out of our lives, we think about the good old days, failing to realize that the days may be good but they are OLD, what is happening in the new days?
Kids cannot protect themselves, they simply cannot, that's why parents were created, that is why children do not work, pay mortgage or insurance, that is what parents are for. Looking out for your child's well being means EMOTIONAL well being. This can only get worse, I can tell you that much. There are going to be times he is fed up with you 'policing' and questioning him. There are going to be times he doesn't want to see you or your kids and I will leave what his behavior will be like then to your imagination. They need role models, people they can emulate and look up to, this man is not it and sadly, if you decide to stay with him, you won't be it either.
You will continuously be unhappy in this relationship and that will reflect in your personality, you may become depressed and then what will happen to your kids. Sorry but when you become a parent, its not about you anymore, its about what's best for them. You and I both know that this relationship is not best for them. He is a cheater and a drug abuser, FACT AND TRUTH. You need not subject yourself to that dear.
God bless you!
xoxoxoxoxo Anna
Kids cannot protect themselves, they simply cannot, that's why parents were created, that is why children do not work, pay mortgage or insurance, that is what parents are for. Looking out for your child's well being means EMOTIONAL well being. This can only get worse, I can tell you that much. There are going to be times he is fed up with you 'policing' and questioning him. There are going to be times he doesn't want to see you or your kids and I will leave what his behavior will be like then to your imagination. They need role models, people they can emulate and look up to, this man is not it and sadly, if you decide to stay with him, you won't be it either.
You will continuously be unhappy in this relationship and that will reflect in your personality, you may become depressed and then what will happen to your kids. Sorry but when you become a parent, its not about you anymore, its about what's best for them. You and I both know that this relationship is not best for them. He is a cheater and a drug abuser, FACT AND TRUTH. You need not subject yourself to that dear.
God bless you!
xoxoxoxoxo Anna
Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. You may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.
I echo everything SpecialMom and Vance said. If being apart from His Family, and if given another chance by You to be a Family wasn't enough to motivate Him - well, HoneyGirl, that speaks volumes!! I also note that He was home a month or less before He started these behaviours. It's commendable that You wanted to give Him the chance but You did that and He's blowing it. You AND Your Children deserve better. I'm sorry, I know this is painful, but we NEED to put the Children first!! A drug addicted, cheater does not make a good Husband OR Father - He's putting HimSelf before His Wife and Children - this far outweighs "selfishness" - this is dangerous behavior that puts You and the Children at risk.
Please find the strenght to do the best thing for You and the Children. If You do otherwise then You are putting Him first TOO!! - As much as You love Him - He's IS an adult, and if He's not going to do right by You and Your Children then He CAN take care of HimSelf - but Your Children can't and They need You to give them a better (healthy) environment. There must be Family and Friends who will be supportive of You during this ordeal.
Good Luck.
Please find the strenght to do the best thing for You and the Children. If You do otherwise then You are putting Him first TOO!! - As much as You love Him - He's IS an adult, and if He's not going to do right by You and Your Children then He CAN take care of HimSelf - but Your Children can't and They need You to give them a better (healthy) environment. There must be Family and Friends who will be supportive of You during this ordeal.
Good Luck.
Just going to be straight and blunt...if you stay with him then you choose to bring your life down with him. You leave him or tell him to get out then you are doing what is best for you and the kids.
Put the kids 1st. Do they want someone who will provide for them or do they want a drug addicted, cheater around them? Pretty clear if you ask me.
Put the kids 1st. Do they want someone who will provide for them or do they want a drug addicted, cheater around them? Pretty clear if you ask me.
Thanks special mom. I know everything your saying is accurate and its true he doesn't deserve me i know this. I thought after being apart from us for 3 yrs maybe he would hve realized and grown up. And i was wrong the only good thing i can say bout him is he feed bathes plays with the kids does evrythng for them and that's about it. Its a step up from how he used to be before he wdnt even acknowledge him. After the craiglist thing he decided he didn't wnt a phone so we had it shut off since mothers day weekend. He really needs mentally. 1 day he's so sweet to me massages my back babies me the next he flips over dum things then apologizes to me n babies me. What do u wnt me too cook for u babe? Let me massage your back or body tell me what u wnt i love you". The kids are so happy with him home he plays so good with them n takes good care of them i dnt undrstanf y he would throw this away for drugs??? Right now its spice but te craving will get worse and then it will lead to something worse. His parole officer don't care plus in az spice is legal so there's nothing she can do. I feel disgusted n hurt and ANGRY....but for some reason i keep him here and i cnt let go and idk why and to be honest i wish i could have my old life back
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh sweetie. I'm sorry to hear it is so bad.
Hon, don't you think you deserve better than this? First, think of the stability of your home. You've got this 'guy' there who just got out of prison that is using drugs (strike one), lying to you about it (strike two) and asking other women to come to your place for sex while kids are there (strike three, he should be OUT). That might not be the right order as drugs are the key problem. I'd call his parole officer. I know you won't do that---- but he sounds like an addict. He's making excuses, he's engaging in risky behavior (solicity sex from strangers on the internet), he's dumping the kids on others so that he can go buy and use. He sure sounds like an addict to me.
Why would you live with a drug addict and have kids around him? Dad or not, he's sure not acting like one.
And that you feel you can't trust anything out of his mouth, well . . . how can you have a 'real' relationship with someone like that?
You will not be able to make a happy life for yourself as long as you are with him.
I speak quite bluntly with you here. I do know some of the backstory and you had a lot of encouragement to keep him out of your life back then.
What is the draw to him? Why would you have such a low standard for yourself?
You are a beautiful girl. you work hard. You don't need Anthony in your life. You are fine without him and he is not worthy of you. Just my opinion of course based on all your past posts and what you've written here. goodluck dear and we'll try to support you either way! Peace
Hon, don't you think you deserve better than this? First, think of the stability of your home. You've got this 'guy' there who just got out of prison that is using drugs (strike one), lying to you about it (strike two) and asking other women to come to your place for sex while kids are there (strike three, he should be OUT). That might not be the right order as drugs are the key problem. I'd call his parole officer. I know you won't do that---- but he sounds like an addict. He's making excuses, he's engaging in risky behavior (solicity sex from strangers on the internet), he's dumping the kids on others so that he can go buy and use. He sure sounds like an addict to me.
Why would you live with a drug addict and have kids around him? Dad or not, he's sure not acting like one.
And that you feel you can't trust anything out of his mouth, well . . . how can you have a 'real' relationship with someone like that?
You will not be able to make a happy life for yourself as long as you are with him.
I speak quite bluntly with you here. I do know some of the backstory and you had a lot of encouragement to keep him out of your life back then.
What is the draw to him? Why would you have such a low standard for yourself?
You are a beautiful girl. you work hard. You don't need Anthony in your life. You are fine without him and he is not worthy of you. Just my opinion of course based on all your past posts and what you've written here. goodluck dear and we'll try to support you either way! Peace
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