Married but in love with someone else

[Mata35]

Hi, got married 5 years ago I was 30, we have 6 year old son together.
4 years ago I had to go back to my country for 2 years because financial issues, only my and son without my husband. Thought when I come back all be ok, but wasn't . When I came back I was depressed and didn't want be with my husband, to be honest I was never in love with him, I appreciated everything he did for me but there was no passion. So after I came back basically we lived together in same household but did not talk together, we had separate bedroom, no intimacy. It was very tough. we were about to get divorce, but than I suggested to try it again properly mostly because our son, I wanted him to be happy. My husband is ok, he take care about me and son, but we very different, Im socialable he is not, I like sport he not, he basically doesn't like anyone, doesn't speak to his family he thinks is the best one and everyone wants bad to  him, this all really irritate me, we had sex twice in two month, just because I don't feel like, but thought I can live somehow with this.
Even worse I fell in love with someone else, he is person I can talk about everything, he makes plans for us, go out together do things, he has good relationship with his family,which is important for me. He knows I have son, Im married but I said we  getting divorce...which was half true, shame I didn't met him 3 months ago before I suggested to my husband to try it again... I wanted go live on my own few times, im just scared I will not cope with it, im very confuse and don't not if shall I move from husband or shall I give up in the man I love and we have so much in common together, and he make me laugh... any opinion appreciate ... thank you

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, you're not in a happy spot, but I do think that patching in the gaps with another man is a bad idea, you cannot really see that man for who he is when you are building him up in your mind to be Prince Charming (he probably has his un-charming parts), you're being unfair to him to be sweet and charming with him but to withhold that you are not on the verge of getting divorced after all, and you can't really think about whether to do anything about your husband when you are sitting with one foot in each camp.  

I do strongly suggest that if you leave your husband, you build a life that does not include leaning on a man.  I don't know if it is possible to do this in your home country, but if you were there two years without a man it sounds like it is.

I would take seriously that your husband and son seem to have a good relationship.  I'd do a lot for my son, and one thing I would never do is divorce his dad because it breaks a child's heart if he loves both parents and they cannot be together as his parents.  On the other hand, if the two of you had a violent, cruel or overtly hostile relationship, I would say you are being a terrible role model for your son regarding what a relationship should be, and would counsel you to get away at all costs so your son will not think this is what a relationship is supposed to be.  But if you have a civil relationship with your husband, and especially if your husband is willing to work on it with you, I suggest going to counseling together and trying very hard to communicate.  At the very least, your child is owed that you sincerely try, even if you ultimately break it off.

[Mata35]

Hi Annie,
thank you for your comment, yes I do think it would be better for me if I decide to leave husband live on my own for while,
probably Im just scare to be on my own as since my 17 I went from relationship to relationship with no break, mean I had 3 longterm realationships with no break, so I just cant imagine it.
need to be open to myself.
it was a good point regarding relationship my son and his dad,
when we came back after 3 years living outside uk and actually we stopped talking and lived separated / but in same house / their relationship was really bad, just because my husband behive bad to my son, and remember my son didn't like his dad that time.
now days, I think they have good relationship and finally doing things together etc. I think I will have to give up on the man I love, as it stopping me focusing on my marridge and cant see if its works or not as now I actually don't want it to work to have good excuse ... I know silly :(
thank you, much appreciate your comment

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think the marriage sounds fulfilling at all, but I am wondering what your son thinks of his dad.  Does he love him and count on him?  Or, after the time living away from him, does he look on his dad as more or less a stranger?  I would hesitate to leave a marriage, whether it is satisfying to me or not, if my child loved his father and wanted to be with him.  But if my son didn't particularly care, I think in your shoes I would move back to your home country and finally get the divorce, and live with only the two of you for a while, and get yourself grounded.  It's never a good idea to run from one relationship into another, since the second one is usually mostly about patching up the holes that are in the first one, and when you get the first one gone you realize there are other things missing in the second one.

[specialmom]

Well, you seem kind and sincere.  In all honesty, I would tell the other man you need some time.  Don't be with him now, properly end your marriage if it is just not good and start over.  Give yourself some time and THEN begin thinking about dating.  It also will be better for the longevity of any future relationship.  peace and luck to you

[Mata35]

thank you, think you are right at some point, maybe I just don't want see certain things... me and my husband were basically separated for two years, I just wasn't that strong enough to do anything with it, and not talking about money I could not effort pay for solicitor, and my husband didn't care about anything those two years, I paid everything for me and my son, he didn't contribute penny... but because our son and to be honest the hassle around divorce I decided to try again. even if I know im not happy. if we talk about the other man, he somehow crossed my life, and don't know why I said to him my situation 3 month ago , but didn't mention I ask my husband to try again. basically im just making trouble to myself, I really wish to have normal relationship with person I love, the other guy has almost nothing but he is lovely and genuine person. I will think about your words and what I actually want, people see it from different perspective also different is when you in the situation, thank you

[specialmom]

Oh goodness, sorry to hear this.  I'm sure it is at times sad.  But in truth, this is the choice you already made.  you chose a man out of convenience and have now had a child.  not really fair to change your mind once you've had a child in my opinion.  Kids deserve parents to stay together unless it is a volatile situation.

Even if you do not agree with that and some don't, this still is a situation that is a disaster in the making.

I will just say it. The man that came into the picture while you were married and courted you has a character flaw.  He's willing to be with someone that is attached to another and break up a marriage.  ugh.  Not exactly a good quality in a future partner.  AND, he will always have some distrust of you.  He now knows the truth which is that you WILL find someone else when you become unhappy with him if you so desire.  Maybe even while the two of you are still together.  So, that is why, relationships that start through infidelity fail 98% of the time.  Trust issues and a general lack of boundaries with one or both partners.

I've reread what you wrote and that you lied to him.  He thinks you are divorced.  I'm not sure why you were compelled to do this.  Anyway, how well can he know you if you hide such huge secrets?  Your whole relationship is based on a lie really.  Not trying to be harsh but that is the reality as I see it.  You don't think he'll doubt you down the road when he learns you've lied to him and been cheating all this time?  

You shouldn't have to go from one man directly to the next.  If you do not love your husband, then you should be a single woman with NO man in your life for a period of time to really heal, think, become confident that you are with a man for the right reasons rather than just because they are either convenient or a band aid to an unhappy situation.  

You sound very afraid to just be on your own but that is exactly what I think you must do in order to eventually find a good mate for yourself.   I do wish you luck.   I mean my words only to help and not to offend in any way although I know I am being very direct with you.  

good luck