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moral and emotional dilemma - bf and ex bf
I got to know my ex 4.5 years ago, about the same time when i got to know my current bf.
I started a long distance relationship with my ex for about 1 year and a half, but there is always a gap between us as I was in University and he was at that time a general manager of a company - so the world we saw are different, and I found hard to understand him due to my immaturity. To make long story short, we broke up in very bad way, blaming and hurt the other person. I attribute the broke up to my immaturity, inconsideration and his impatience, and whole lot of factors. Right after we broke up, we opened up for communication about our relationship and everything, but that didn't stop him rushing into a relationship with someone else. Then he asked me to wait for him, which i found a totally unreasonable and unfair quest. I moved on with my life, met someone else and several times cut off the contact with him.
From the second month of the breakup til today, which is roughly 3 years, we kept in touch and updated each other about major event in our lives. We also talked about broad range of topics and supported each other. Just like any friends. In this 3 Years, he came up to me many times saying he missed me and he thought of me or that he regret having screwed up the chance with me. He wanted me to take him back and wanted to be together after we are both single(he is constantly dating someone as well). I took it as joke and I mocked him for trying to use me as a backup. However, I know the connection has always been there and never cut off. I, too, missed him at times, even when I was in a loving and working relationship. He appeared in my dreams and I care for him deeply.
When he changed job which is very demanding, and I don't see him appear online for two or three weeks, I started to worry and fear and sadness haunted me - that he met an accident or better, he was married. I came to the realisation how important he is to me. I felt very sad at the thought that I may never see him again.
One night when talking to my mom about my dissatisfactory relationship, she suggested maybe I should get my ex a try. Then I sadly said it is not possible or at least very unlikely - he must have a gf now.
however, the next morning, he contacted me and came up with the conversation, if there were a second chance, would I give it a try. and he told me he thought about it often, if there will be a chance with me for a long term relationship and have a family.
However, I am in a relationship now. my current bf has been my long term friend for long and we have been very close. He isn't my type but he kinda rush me into the relationship. He is nice, gentle and sweet but we are not on the first page. He has invested far more emotionally in the relationship and I at times feel I am pushed to love him back. But since I am in a relationship and he has been my very good friend, I tried to work it out and always thought to myself that I should give it more time and I may love him someday.
Now that my ex came to me, I hesitated. I felt it is the one last chance with my ex, with whom I am so connected like with no one. For once, I rejected him and said it's impossible because I am going to go abroad to study for a couple years. My ex's reaction surprised me and melted me: he told me it's ok and he will visit me at least four times a year and he is willing to take LDR.
Now I find myself at this dilemma: leaving my bf who still dreams of marrying me one day and give him no chance is cruel, unfair and immoral; rejecting my ex would probably be my lifelong regret.
What should I do? Could anyone more experienced give me suggestion?
I started a long distance relationship with my ex for about 1 year and a half, but there is always a gap between us as I was in University and he was at that time a general manager of a company - so the world we saw are different, and I found hard to understand him due to my immaturity. To make long story short, we broke up in very bad way, blaming and hurt the other person. I attribute the broke up to my immaturity, inconsideration and his impatience, and whole lot of factors. Right after we broke up, we opened up for communication about our relationship and everything, but that didn't stop him rushing into a relationship with someone else. Then he asked me to wait for him, which i found a totally unreasonable and unfair quest. I moved on with my life, met someone else and several times cut off the contact with him.
From the second month of the breakup til today, which is roughly 3 years, we kept in touch and updated each other about major event in our lives. We also talked about broad range of topics and supported each other. Just like any friends. In this 3 Years, he came up to me many times saying he missed me and he thought of me or that he regret having screwed up the chance with me. He wanted me to take him back and wanted to be together after we are both single(he is constantly dating someone as well). I took it as joke and I mocked him for trying to use me as a backup. However, I know the connection has always been there and never cut off. I, too, missed him at times, even when I was in a loving and working relationship. He appeared in my dreams and I care for him deeply.
When he changed job which is very demanding, and I don't see him appear online for two or three weeks, I started to worry and fear and sadness haunted me - that he met an accident or better, he was married. I came to the realisation how important he is to me. I felt very sad at the thought that I may never see him again.
One night when talking to my mom about my dissatisfactory relationship, she suggested maybe I should get my ex a try. Then I sadly said it is not possible or at least very unlikely - he must have a gf now.
however, the next morning, he contacted me and came up with the conversation, if there were a second chance, would I give it a try. and he told me he thought about it often, if there will be a chance with me for a long term relationship and have a family.
However, I am in a relationship now. my current bf has been my long term friend for long and we have been very close. He isn't my type but he kinda rush me into the relationship. He is nice, gentle and sweet but we are not on the first page. He has invested far more emotionally in the relationship and I at times feel I am pushed to love him back. But since I am in a relationship and he has been my very good friend, I tried to work it out and always thought to myself that I should give it more time and I may love him someday.
Now that my ex came to me, I hesitated. I felt it is the one last chance with my ex, with whom I am so connected like with no one. For once, I rejected him and said it's impossible because I am going to go abroad to study for a couple years. My ex's reaction surprised me and melted me: he told me it's ok and he will visit me at least four times a year and he is willing to take LDR.
Now I find myself at this dilemma: leaving my bf who still dreams of marrying me one day and give him no chance is cruel, unfair and immoral; rejecting my ex would probably be my lifelong regret.
What should I do? Could anyone more experienced give me suggestion?
Best Answer
It seems to me like you want to know how you really feel, do you really love this ex which has loomed over all your preceding relationships or has he simply been an emotional barrier preventing you from moving on and truly loving this new bf?
One way to find out is to cut contacts and re-break up with your ex, tell him (even if its not true) that you are committed to this new guy and you need to move on with your life. You will soon be able to tell if it was true feelings or emotional baggage that kept you entwined.
Anyway good luck with your decisioning.
One way to find out is to cut contacts and re-break up with your ex, tell him (even if its not true) that you are committed to this new guy and you need to move on with your life. You will soon be able to tell if it was true feelings or emotional baggage that kept you entwined.
Anyway good luck with your decisioning.
If you don't love your present boyfriend the way he loves you and don't think you ever will, I would consider letting him know that. It is only fair to a man who has been a kind person, to give him warning that he will never get the love he deserves from you. You would later be free to pursue (or not pursue) a relationship with the ex, but the break from the boyfriend should be for its own reasons, not shadowed by what you hope might happen with the other person...in other words, the reason should be that you are certain you will never be able to give him the love he deserves, not that you have someone waiting in the wings. If you are sure.
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So, do you also not find it interesting that he wants a second chance when you have a boyfriend. I'm sure that your deep down feelings are something that he felt and boosted his ego---------- and if you become super serious about your current boyfriend (which you are not because you are fantasizing about the ex) that he'd lose that. This is a gut reaction that many have in this type of situation-------- he becomes more interested in actually being with you due to fear of losing your feelings for him.
I know this might not be what you wanted to hear. The decision is yours, of course. I do wish you luck in making it.
And sadly, you say so little about your current boyfriend that I wonder if you love him. If you do, you must cut all contact with the ex. I would anyway because it is too tempting. Some people we have feelings for aren't good choices and we have to resist that. At least that is how I feel. But if you don't cut ties, he'll interfere with every relationship you try to have. You two aren't really friends and never were. You have feelings underneath that make it different than a real friend.
The above is all just my opinion and I do wish you loads of luck sorting it out. Peace.