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18656403 tn?1466684984

my sister wants me to marry her ex fling ... gross?

My sister cheated on her boyfriend with a guy 7 or 8 years ago. They never dated just slept together a few times. He and I became friends on fb and had a few conversations... ended up becoming really good friends over a few years. Never slept together never kissed or anything. He decided to express his feelings one day saying that he's never felt this way about a woman in life.. We are a great match.. he wants to get married so he took it upon himself to tell my sister how he feels without her ever even knowing we were friends. Nothing was intentional everything flowed over the course of 4 years. Well apparently my sister told him that she is ok with it and wants us to marry.. she is now married to her boyfriend (she cheated on) issue is I feel grossed out thinking about us eventually sleeping together... I don't know what to do..
7 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Well, if you are grossed out at the thought of sleeping with him, tell him that you don't want to be anything more than friends.  

Ya, it's weird when sisters have both slept with the same person and one of them stays with them.  You will feel funny knowing he's had sex with her when all three of you are together.  You'd have to block that out of your mind.

But it doesn't sound like you return the feelings he has for you so don't waste your time worrying about this, keep him as a friend and move on.  good luck
18656403 tn?1466684984
I do have feelings for him, is the issue. Ive never been treated the way he treats me! He's everything I want in a man and if it wasn't for their past relations there would be no hesitation at all. :-( I talked to him about the sex thing. He feels that I will eventually get over that part seeing the bigger picture and the fact that my sister is supportive
134578 tn?1614729226
You've never kissed and you think you would like to marry him?  Is this based only on Facebook conversations?  People (both him and you) can be far more charming online (and in limited doses) than they wind up being in person.
18656403 tn?1466684984
no it is based on years of friendship.. in person via text message and telephone. I can count on him for any and everything whether its conversation support advice anything. we started communication via fb it went from there
13167 tn?1327194124
Marrying a man you have never kissed is a very serious mistake,  IMHO.  

The fact that he wants to marry you without having any kind of prior physical relationship is curious.  

I don't feel this way about cultures where it is strictly forbidden - I'm assuming you are in a western culture.  

Men who are in love with you enough to want to marry you should barely be able to keep their hands off you - and the fact that he clearly can do that is a really huge red flag - IMHO.

I say this from the perspective of a Christian,  and experience of watching people marry who have never had a physical relationship.  They often believe they are very strong christians but in fact,  there is something keeping them from wanting a physical relationship.  

As sweet as it sounds to be "chaste" - it is a red flag.  
134578 tn?1614729226
Have you been with him a lot in person since the avowed "expressed his feelings and he's never felt this way about a woman in life"?  Or have you only been around each other as friends before this avowal, and all the rest of this has been online and on the phone?  If that is the case, why haven't you been seeing each other in person if he loves you so much?  How was it that he talked to your sister about this before he talked to you?  Why is he not coming forward in real life to see if it is happening anywhere besides online?  It's so easy to see what you want to see when most of the relationship is in limited snippets, and in which people can invent characteristics to fill in the blanks.  Not saying anyone is lying, but I would bet nobody is showing their full sides (the unattractive ones) either.  
1 Comments
ps -- I do know two sisters who married the same guy (the younger sister married him after her older sister divorced him).  But even that is more savory than marrying a guy with whom your sister had an illicit affair.  It raises the questions of what kind of moral character the guy had, to be having a sneak affair with someone (whether or not she is your sister, he basically was an active partner in a cheating relationship), and what kind of character he has now, to want to go to bed with her sister.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I don't think the few times 8 years ago, would be too awkward. Comparing a fling between irresponsible people in their youth, with older wiser adults in a mature relationship is like comparing apples and oranges. Hopefully they have both grown and learned from their youthful mistakes and they will not be repeated. If he has turned over a new leaf, and regrets the actions of his youth, then he may be just as trustworthy now as the best of people are. I believe that people can grow and change. And i would soon get over a "few" times that your sister was with partner 8 years ago, possibly when they were drinking and don't even remember it, nothing to worry about when put beside a day and night relationship that was being built. Again, apples and oranges.
The fact that you feel you know each other very well is great. Even that he is talking marriage. In some cultures, that is the card that is drawn when talking about a relationship, it doesn't preclude you getting to know him. The only thing that i find a bit weird, is the fact that you and he have not had time together in person, but i think that's the point of this post. You are questioning whether you want to take that step of getting to know him in person prior to marriage, because the sister thing is awkward. For me, I wouldn't let it stand in the way of my happiness. IF i thought that he was truly regretful and would not ever think of cheating again. And that would likely happen if a person had a spiritual awakening. Do you feel he's had such a spiritual awakening? I know it's possible. Sure, you could consider recidivism a possibility, and you could just as easily believe in spiritual awakenings, or people capable of change. If he's never talked about regret for your sister's husband, , that would be a red flag. If you talk to him, and he seems without regret (not because it was your sister, but rather the cheating part in general), like it didn't matter what they did, or has seemed embarrassed by his behavior,  i would move on and just be friends (but not so that it takes all your time or takes you away from pursuing another partner, or becomes a problem that you are too closely entwined to give another guy a chance). If you don't move this on the next stage and get to know him in person, i think you need to become more independent of him, for your own good, and pursue friendships with single ladies where there are no strings attached and it wouldn't be a threat to a real relationship for you. It sounds like you're ready to settle down, and you deserve that, but you can't rush into anything because it's easy (to simply make plans to live on a computer instead of actually going on dates and living in the real world with a potential partner). If you do choose this guy, i don't think you should skip the latter statement. I think you should start to date and leave out talk of marriage until you've truly given yourself a chance to see this guy in live action. .  

Please, let us know what your going to do. I wish you every success in life and love.
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