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Avatar universal

open marriage

my husband and i have been together for 17 yrs and married for 14yrs. we have 3 beautiful daughters. altho he is emotionally abusive a times i have learned to keep my mouth shut and just roll with it. whatever he says is right i jsut go along with it whether i want to or not. so when he decided to have an open marriage even tho he jsut wants it for the variety.... i accepted and at the moment am just going along with it. but i am sad very lonely and someimes it makes me angry that i dont seem to be enough for him. please help me!!
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145992 tn?1341345074
Have you ever thought of going to therapy?  It sounds like he has killed your self esteem.  You are worth so much more than this.  You need to rebuild yourself.  No one should ever do anything that they are not comfortable with.  So basically he's getting his cake and eating it to because he has you and whomever else he wants to be with.  You should bring another man into this picture and say well you wanted the open marriage.  Let him eat his words.  Are you ready to live the rest of your years in misery?  Where is your happiness here?  I would normally say work on your marriage and do couples counseling but in this case I think you need individual work because once you regain your self worth you will want nothing more to do with this selfish man.
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Avatar universal
You need to begin by helping yourself. He has verbally and emotionally abused you to submission. So this is what I could see from your writing and tone. Your afraid of him, he controls you, because you let him. You accept everything right or wrong out of fear of him and fear of being alone! Of couse you would be upset at his request for an open marrige. What he is saying is, "I want to have as many affairs as I want with or without your permission". He is sneaking, disrespectul, abusive, controlling and an adulterur and you just say, "Yes, dear, whatevery you say, you are the boss and I respect and obey."  WRONG.  He has destroyed the little self respect that  you have to STAND UP to him and your children have witness this and will grow up being submissive also.

It's time to take a good look at yourself (look in the mirror, what do you see?) and say, no more!!! You deserve to be treated like a queen, with respect and esteem. It's time to stop the abuse, even if it mean seperation or divorce. I'm sure the word therapy is something you wouldn't even know where to begin, because he has you meak and submissive.

It's time to get the courage to stand up to him in a positive way and communicate your feeling. At the right time, tell him you are unhappy with what he has suggested and it's unexceptable. Tell him that your answer to an open relationship is NO. You married him with sacred vows of fidelity and for better or for worse, well this is as bad as it gets and it's time for you to take control of you and your life regardless of what he feels or says.

Tell him if he continues being verbally abuse and bring in other women into your marriage that you want a divorce. Reverse the situation to where he should be worring and not you. Surround yourself with possitive people that will stand by if there is a crisis (family, friends, church people or learn to accept yourself and be independent...you can do this). Please let us know how everything turns out.  If he threatens you....call the police and not take it anymore.
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Avatar universal
Leave the chump.
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Avatar universal
Hi Vance...where have you been hidding...we can alway's use a male perspective. :)
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Avatar universal
If he wants variety, put em out there in that world of variety and you meet someone that has the same values you do.
Helpful - 0
372900 tn?1315512302
I wouldn't stand for that.  It's either me or not.  You need to find someone who will build you up and not use you like your husband is doing.  You are much better than that and deserve better than that.  Therapy would do you a world of good.
Helpful - 0
940642 tn?1336063511
I can understand what a difficult position you are in, having kids, a life together, etc... But what you are putting up with is not right.  If you are not in agreement with an open marraige you need to draw the line and say enough.

I agree with the above comments that you should go to therapy if you can and get yourself healthy and make some rational decisions.

I wish you luck.
Helpful - 0
684030 tn?1415612323
Open marriage? ... that's only if you're both "open" to the idea.
Otherwise, he's cheating on you with your knowledge and consent.
How convenient... for him!
Tell him that you had second thoughts and, upon deep reflection and  
moral conviction, you are no longer "open" and receptive to this bizarre
and divisive arrangement.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
iam1butterfly is right. unless BOTH of you are open to an open marriage it's NOT an open marriage. he's cheating on you with your knowledge and consent. be open to the idea. then...when you find someone who can be happy with a "closed" marriage and doesn't need to go out and find others end it with the hubby. you deserve better than that. if you don't want an arrangement like that (which i would be furious if my hubby even suggested it) than stop it!

again like iam said talk to him about it. if he gets upset and very mad about it...go along with it. "date" so to speak. play his little game and when you find the new "mr. right" just dump his cheating behind.
Helpful - 0
176495 tn?1301280412
I'd kick him in the keester and tell him to get the he** now...call the cops if necessary to "help" him leave.

Jim
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Avatar universal
I agree with Teko - you say that he decided to have an open relationship but that doesn't sound like something you wanted to do.  If it were me, I would leave the jerk and as Teko said let him have his variety.  I would also not sleep with someone else just to see if it gets his attention because that really only ends up hurting you.  Good luck.
Helpful - 0
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