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Avatar universal

opinions, advice, help

ok here goes...Me and my ex husband got divorced last June....mainly my fault and other issues...we started taliking again in November so 5 months now..He keeps saying nothing serious and when we hang out it usually later in the evening....and no one can know that we are seeing eachother only close friends, not family.......if i think we are starting to get close it backfires and starts all over again.. so my question is what is this...he knows I love him but he may not trust me as much as he did when we first got married.........is he imbarrassed of what others will think or is he just unsure of the whole thing and it messing up again.... i am a wreck over this whole thing I love him more than anything and believe he is my soul mate...He finally came back and now I dont know what he wants if anything
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Avatar universal
it seems as though he is scared of thing being messed up, i know this is hard for you but also you should talk to him about how you feel about the situation, i dont think he is embarrassed to be seen with you other wise why bother to even spend time with you. talk to him so you will know how he feels in all this... best of luck, hope things work out the way you want  
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1614729226
If you were the one at fault, you probably have some repairs to do.  Trust is hard to rebuild.  Ask him what he needs to hear from you, the exact words, so he can begin to let his guard down in terms of trust.  If you can say them with a whole heart, do so.  Then give him time.
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3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi and welcome. There is a chance the neither of you can find someone better than eachother. I would be carefull with this relationship as might be one of compromise and not lasting love. Your own words state that is was things that you did and now you love him more than anything. Is this from the saying "missing makes the heart grow fonder" or is this that you cant find that special person and he is the best so far?
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Avatar universal
We got along great when married it was maianly his mother treating my kids different and mixing our kids into the marriage it was hard that was the only thing we fought about. When the kids were away we had the greatest times ever. Now he is back and forth he wants nothing serious or friends w benefits so to speak.
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Avatar universal
Ive apoligized time after time after time. I have done everything possible, his famly doesnt want us back together of course because his mom likes being in control of her granddaughter
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, issues with kids from different relationships in a second marriage is one of the leading reasons those relationships fail.  Problems meshing everyone together are common.  It's hard.  What's different with that now than when you did whatever it was that ended the relationship initially?  

I don't know the issues with the grandmother, daugher and your ex husband but sometimes these things are deal breakers.  That just is what it is.  And unless the attitude of them against you and your ex changes (this is your attitude I'm talking about) --  then nothing has changed and things will have the same outcome this go round.  

Have you and your ex considered some couple's therapy?  It might help at this point.  

It is hard when a couple gets along great when kids aren't around and I'm sure that is frustrating.  But reality is, kids predate the new relationship and the person comes as a packaged deal.  If you can't get along WITH the kids, then it might not be a relationship that will work.  

I do wish you all the best.  peace and luck
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
It's not clear what it is you've apologized for.  Were you mistreating the daughter?  

It seems likely he's using you for sex, in my opinion.  He comes around for benefits but doesn't want to try to forge a relationship.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I agree with both sm and rose.  If the only issue was the family dynamics, I'm not sure how you "messed up"?  Can you elaborate?  I too agree that it sounds like your ex may be kind of seeking out a physical relationship only, and if so, I wouldn't be okay with that.  Sometimes, making the decision to split up was the right thing to do, and you could just be letting your (confused) feelings cloud the issues that broke you up in the first place.

If this has any chance to work, like sm said, some therapy would be in order, things have to be resolved, trust repaired, and the issues that were a problem to begin with would need to be figured out, as they obviously weren't the first time.  If all of those same issues exist, then it may be hard to have any real expectations of this working out, and if that's the case, it would be better to try to move on.
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Avatar universal
Well, hmmmm..... I'm not at all sure I understand what is going on here.

FIRST I want to say:

I  DO NOT think true "SOUL MATES" EVER divorce.  So, maybe this Marriage was not EVER  the "idealiization" of Marriage that You thought it was??
and
You say You think He might just want to be "friends with benefits".  This too!! does NOT sound like a "soul mate" to me.

Being "soul mates" is more, Much, MUCH more than a "wish" or a "hope", much, MUCH more than a "wannabe" relationship. We don't,  We DO NOT "meet" our soul mate - rather, we BECOME "soul mates" when, AND ONLY when  We have been Together long enough to KNOW that this Person is our "soul mate".  "Soul Mates" are NOT simply People that We meet along the way, rather We BECOME "soul mates"!!  A Relationship GROWS and Develops INTO "soul mate" status.

What I am trying to say here is "let go of what You PERCEIVE is Your "soul mate" (because He is not, truely He is not!!) and Realize that You are in CHARGE of Your Life!!

A "soul mate" is TRUELY a RARE form of intimacy and is not limited to one Person.

SOUL is not a "thing".  It's a "quality" or a "dimension".
SO!!  I would beg to differ with You Your description of Your relationshp with this Man.

All that being said.  It seems You have Children(?) and that may be an issue in this relationship(?) and if so, well then, Your Children MUST come first.
AND, I would say:  If this Man is Your "soul mate", well then, there would be no
question/issue/problem as regards these Children.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I guess I am looking at this from a different perspective.

Doesn't sound like the children per se, but this grandmother influencing the children.....I would say their grandmother is the "real" issue.....a meddling "grandmother."  

Speaking as a stepmother and a bio mother, I would be more apt to say it usually ISN'T the children per se causing the woes in these situations, but the adults involved in the situation be it grandmother/mother-in-law, ex wife, ex husband, etc.

I would say your husband really isn't interested in getting back together as husband and wife, but you are very familiar to him, so he stays in touch.  

Have you tried talking with him?  Tell him how you feel and see what happens.

Blending a family isn't any easy task and there will be those ups and downs, however, it is possible.  My relationship with my steps and I is strong at this point and so is my marriage.  I don't think "statistics" should EVER define what should or will happen in your situation.  Nowadays, ALOT of marriages fail period.

Marriage and children can be difficult in itself no matter whether you are trying to blend a family or not.  I know more people who are divorced that weren't trying to blend a family.....they fought about their own children.  In fact, I know more people who have blended families who aren't divorced.  

Talk with him and see exactly where you stand with him.  If he is willing to give it another go....I say go for it.  

If he is one of those people that "cares" what others think; easily influenced......well, it isn't going to work and perhaps that might just one of the biggest problems that caused the breakup in the first place.....not sure though.  My husband and I are people that don't care what others "think."
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Avatar universal
Thanks,   yes he is the kind of person who cares what others think,,,me however could care less what people think.......and his mother meddles alot she thinks she is the mother of his child...and I know he has to change his mind first to stop listening to hs mother and doing what he wants and what he thinks it right
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well....hon, if he is that influenced by others do you really want a man like that....who cares about what his family thinks or friends think?  He doesn't sound like his own person.  Then, he doesn't have a back bone to stand up to "mother?"  

He has to be the one to change all this.....that's if he wants.  He is nothing short of a "mama's boy."

Boundaries are in order here in regards to that mother....she sounds like a nightmare.  

He sounds like he may have did you a favor with the divorce and all.  

I think you need and deserve better.
Helpful - 0
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