porn addict--- my fiance needs help

[frustrated1348]

my fiance and me have been dating for 5years now and we have a 2 year old son. since we first started dating i noticed that he had pon dvds and some saved on his computer now its everywhere. he no longer sleeps right. he wakes up at 4am just to watch porn all the time our sex life has worsen. i am so frustrated and had tried to make him stop for a while now but he never listens. when i tried deleting his porn which was only like 2 he got really upset with me and wouldnt talk to me.right now he ha 550 porn videos on his computer plus he's a member with a lot of porn sites and i know he has some hidden in his memory disc. i dont know how much longer i can take of this. how can he stop? please help

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree that He needs professional help, but other than that, there is nothing more You can do.  Showing Him that "real life can be exciting"  would be You taking responsibility for His addiction.  You cannot do that - HE has to take responsibility for His own addiction - HE has to fix this.  You can be supportive of Him but YOU cannot change this, HE has to do it, as with ANY addiction.  You did not cause this and You cannot change it - You cannot do anything to change an alcoholic, a drug user - this is the same thing.  I repeat, it's my understanding that it is the "dopamine" that is the issue - it's the surge of dopamine that the addict is seeking.  It's kinda, sorta like it's the dopamine that One becomes addicted to - It's the stimulation of the dopamine that One seeks - as they become "sensitized" it takes more and more "stimulation" to get that surge They seek.   Once again, I hope You'll read the article I suggested earlier - it is enlightening.
It is not Your fault, there is nothing You can do other than encourage Him to seek therapy.
Good Luck

[bambi233]

Try professional help if he can't control it.Also,show him that real life can be exciting as well.

[specialmom]

Well, since he was watching and it was getting better, it would have been best to address this when you first saw it escalating.  Maybe even before having your baby together???  I only mention that because now it is complicated.

I think you tell him that he's got an issue with porn and you are done with it.  suggest he sees a therapist and gets some treatment for this.  he may be depressed as those with addictions often are and using porn as a numbing or avoiding mechanism.  He then would need the underlying depression/anxiety he has addressed to fully recover.

But you have to set a boundary and be willing to walk away from him if he won't adhere to it.  
good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

Look up "Your Brain on Porn Series:  Porn Addiction by Gary Wilson.  You sould read this for a REAL "eye opener".  Your "fiance" should read this too.  Porn addiction is real, it's serious, it destroys relationships, but one CAN recover.

This came as a real shock to me.  I thought porn was a "choice" - my mind just couldn't  wrap around the word "addiction" as relates to porn, but I get it now.  Apparantly porn "overstimulates" the brain and the brain actually changes - the SAME brain changes that occur with ALL addictions.  As I understood it, this INTENSITY creates a HEIGHTENED level of stimulation that our brains weren't intended to experience (computer images didn't exist when our brains were created!!) and because of this the brain of Someone who regulary watches porn causes changes in Their neuropathways in the same ways of an alcolholic or a drug user!!  It seems the neurotransmitter dopamine is the culprit.  The more "intense" the experience the more dopamine is released in the brain.  Dopamine is behind ALL motivation, but when it's OVER stimulated then We get addiction:  porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever, and when We submit Ourselves to OVER stimulation the brain actually "re-wires" itself for the addiction and then yet MORE neuropathways are created.  SO, the use becomes more and more, greater and greater, heavier and heavier.  It really stunned me to learn this but I now have a better understanding of addiction that I ever had before.  Read the series - it's very informative and explains the situation far better than I ever could.  I think if Your "fiance" reads this, He will want to take steps to recover.  ALL addictions become worse with continued use.
Good Luck