Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
1925157 tn?1328929017

random fights..

Me and my boyfriend have been together since march 9, 2011.. and its been one rocky road for us.. I've stuck around through times I really shouldn't have.. but I was always taught follow my heart not my head. And that's honestly what I've done. When we get into fight they get bad, he likes to hit the deepest bone there is with his words. And our fights start over the dumbest stuff. I'm the type if person who would just like to get alittle stuff off my chest and then walk away from it, when he likes to just keep it going and keep it going til I can't handle anymore. He gets it from his father, and he knows he does it and knows its wrong. He admits to it and always says he feels bad about it in the end and apologizes.. but sometimes thats not enough I mean Ill just look at him when he says it and won't tell him its ok cause I know its not at all ok. We are having a baby in June and we just got our own apartment with both our names on the lease so its not like I can just up and leave or even kick him out. And that's not what I'd want anyways. I just don't know how  to deal with it anymore. And also he likes to lie....A LOT. And I know I can't change him but I can work with him on it right? Vaya its to
13 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I love the name.. my cousin named her daughter Ava Grace. Congrats on having a girl! I hope everything goes well from here on.. add me as a friend if you would like.

Take care,
Krystal
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
Things go up and down, times are rough as of right now and the "law" all over our butts about very stupid unnessicary things. We are having a baby girl and we are naming her Ava Leigh.. thank you for your concern
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello,

I realize this post is old, but wanted to check on the poster.... hope all is well.. did u have a boy or a girl? Name?

Best of luck and God bless you and your child
Krystal
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
He lies about literally everything, like someone said he does it as a deffense I feel that's true now that I think about it. And when I say I like to get things off my chest I like to tell him how I feel about the situation or problem and then listen to what he says which sometimes does.t even makes sense and pulls it from his butt and I walk away when he gets to pissed or aggressive so I don't have to deal with that cause I dont want to end up doing of saying something I will regret and same with him
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I agree with the others,  but have a question.

What does your statement about you're the type who likes to get stuff off your chest and then walk away mean?  I'm kind of picturing you throwing some criticisms and then walking out of the room.  

And I think when you sit down and talk to him,  you should begin by saying "I think you'll agree that neither of us is happy right now and we need to figure out ways to not tear each other down all the time".  

Just curious - what's he lying about?
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, these are one of those posts that break my heart and make me worry.  

I will go ahead and say the obvious, it is foolish to "listen to your heart and not your head".  Whoever told you that or wherever you go that notion knows nothing of how to have a happy life.  If your thinking cap is telling you something is wrong-------  it should outrule your hormones dear.  Love does not conquer everthing and that is a harsh and true reality.  The longer you are on Earth, the more you'll agree with me.  You must start using your head NOW and try to right this situation.  You've chosen to allow yourself to get pregnant as well.  All of this makes me wonder about your own past because you are making decisions that are not great.  Ignoring issues with a new boyfriend and then quickly having a baby with him seems like your subconsious is trying to make love happen in your life.  But you are a smart girl and realize that you are headed down a slippery slope here.  This is the hard to hear, I'm sure.  But I want you to try to absorb it.  To understand that this is your life to mold into how you want it.  Don't let it just happen to you------  be an active player in how happy you are through your choices.  

Now, counseling.  Yes, expensive but worth it.  I agree with both Londres and AhP on that-----  and yes, churches are a wonderful resource when one has no insurance (which I do hope you have with a baby on the way) or limited funds.  I was just browsing through our church directory and saw a number of things I didn't even know about.  Trained professionals that can provide counseling.  Groups that support different needs that people have within the church (such as a struggling relationship), etc.  Another resource is the YWCA which can offer free counseling to those in need.  I would try to think of a way to look into this.

If you are in a situation with someone you are 'afraid' to talk to, this is not good.  I would ----  during a peaceful, good moment---  start right there.  Tell him that you are afraid to talk about problems.  Ask him how you two can communicate better about difficult subjects so that it doesn't degenerate into a big fight.  If he says he can't control his anger and uses his words to hurt-----  like his dad, ask him to try to break this cycle.  Give him alternatives to try.  This is what a professional would do if he saw one for anger management.  Things like--  his taking a walk and not talking for a bit when he feels his anger rising.  Counting to 10 and deep breathing during it.  WRiting it in a journal instead of saying it.  (NO!  YOU can't read it.  Better to write bad thougths out and be done with it than to say it, right?  And sometimes when angry, we all have horrible things we could say.  Just that some will control themselves and some won't.  He won't---  so give him somewhere private of his own that he can harmlessly let loose.)  He should exercise to keep his mood up.  Is he depressed, by the way?  Anger can be a symptom of depression/anxiety.

It also takes two to fight.  What can you do to defuse the situation?  Tell him  you need a breather (or to use the bathroom or whatever to get away for a few minutes so everyone can calm down) and walk away for a bit?  Things like that---  be mindful and aware of how a situation escalates.

You mention other things like his lying to you.  I don't know what about and am sorry about that.  I think that for some, lying is a habit and a protective mechanism.  Letting him feel safe to tell you the truth might help.  Also, it can be a show of control and this along with his verbal abuse would not be good signs.

As you are pregnant, things can get worse and worse if he is not excited to be a father.  Babies are great but even in the best of circumstances bring about many additional stresses to a couple.  They are expensive, they are time consuming and needy, and frankly, exhausting.  Many have great difficulty adjusting to it.  Prepare yourself for stress ahead.  That is why it is important to work this out before a baby arrives.

I think that we all hope for the best here----  but know you have much work ahead.  Listen to your head from NOW ON!!!  good luck and peace
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
I'm scared to confront him about going to counceling now. Things just seem to be getting worse, and I can't tell if he even wants to be together like he says he does but he acts like he doesnt. I am just so lost. And I don't know what to do anymore. He tells me I'm "ungreatful" and that I'm a b*tch when we fight but I don't see how im ungreatful. He does nothing for me anymore that I have to be greatful for. On the other hand I do. Everything for him I bend over backwards for him but yet it never seems to matter what I do for him anymore. Should I stop doing things for him? I just don't know my mind is completly blank at this point. :/  and the beginning of this weekend he got a cold he acts like its the end of the world for him so I just comfort him and do everything I can to make him feel better. But then I caught it and it got even worse for me, I ended up getting a "rash" on my face and he acted like nothing was wrong, i had a really bad temp and even throwing up and now its moved to my chest and I have yet to get any help from him or even comforted. And I'm 15 weeks pregnant with his child. I don't understand..
Helpful - 0
184674 tn?1360860493
Oftentimes, churches offer relationship/marital counseling for free.

I agree with Londres on everything she said. Your boyfriend is using his past and his father as an excuse for his behavior, and since you do want to try to work on the relationship for the baby and yourselves to mature together, you need to realize that you are not going to be the one to make him change. It seems you've tried that, or expected it rather...and it's obviously not working. So, at this point, time will determine if you two can work through this.
I really can't forsee any improvements, however, without some sort of counseling. Realisticallly, you also need to realize that agreeing to keep your fighting away from your child is not likely to happen if you don't get help with counseling. So if you have no intentions of separating from him, then counseling needs to be a priority if you want to work on making a stable relationship together and giving your child a comfortable, secure, happy home. These issues are not going to be something that go away on their own.
Please check into local churches in your area about counseling for you two together. I'm sure there are a few that will not require you to join the church if you have no interest in that. Since finances are an issue for you two, getting counseling through a church would be the first place to look because it is oftentimes done for free.
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
Guess*** not fire
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
Thank you for your advice, it would be hard seeking that because we are Prettty tight on money and were young so that's not to Cheap or is be all for it :/  but I know we got to serious to fast, and I could have left him along time ago when I had found out The truth about things I just thought at the time we could work around them no matter how much pain it put me threw. I also know im not perfect, I grew up with out a father and had no relationship with a man to be able to understand them I guess you can put it. But in our child's since I'm hoping I have the will power to teach it that the lieing and bullcrap is wrong, and that's not how things should be done.. we've agreed to keep our fighting away from our child so I hope that we actually can.. I fire your right only time can tell
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sounds like the relationship progressed to quickly and you saw the "red flags" but refused to "jump ship."

Well, for your baby's sake and for the relationship..............

You can try seeking the help of a professional therapist to help you all sort this out.  

Sounds like he is making excuses for his behavior, i.e. he had a "bad" childhood, etc.   He definitely should be seeking professional help for the habitual lying, etc. and try working through all this "stuff" from his childhood instead of using it as a crutch/excuse.  If he doesn't get this sorted, there is a chance this "stuff" could be passed to his child.  

Definitely can't change him.  Can you work with this?.......hmmm.......only time will tell.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Couples therapy.Listen to what one another has to say and let the therapist advise you both.All the best.
Helpful - 0
1925157 tn?1328929017
Sorry my phone glitched and it posted before I was done. But what I was saying is that its to the point where he's lied to me so much I k.ow exactly when he's lieing and ill tell him I know. So me thinking maybe he'll tell me the truth or he will just stop. Which stoping has yet to be the case. And eveeytime I talk to him about lieing he tells me the same thing.. he grew up doing it because of his dad.. and he's had a bad child hood.. I love him and I know I do.. I just need advice on how to either work with him on this stuff or how to coop with it...  
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.