Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

unconditional love? what is that?

So i was in a pretty serious relationship with a man that was a navy man. I was 21 at the time and thin and in good shape. Our relationship fell apart many years ago. I am 35 years old now and had gained weight. I am working on it and have lost 30 pounds. The guy and i recently talked about rekindling the relationship, but now he keeps throwing up my weight issues. I am still over weight, but am working on it. This guy tells me this evening that it is not good enough that i am still fat and not working hard enought, that he never wanted a fat navy wife/gt that he wants the trophy wife. He also told me that i should come over so he can show me a rigorous workout and mold me and fix me into the way i was when i was 21. I feel that he should be more supportive of me and encouraging of me during losing the weight. instead i feel that he cares more about how i appear on his arm around his friends. He is much older than i and was always concerned about appearance. when we argue he always calls dumb b**** stupid a** or fat cow. How can i get it through his head that i am not a project or something that needs to be fixed, but someone that just wants to be encouraged and loved unconditionally?
20 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Sorry as I am sure this hurts your feelings.  No one wants to feel like they don't measure up for the one they want to be with.  

Now, this is actually a bit more complicated than unconditional  love.  When you marry, you enter into a vow for better or worse.  You plan on getting old with that person and accept that there will be lots of changes along the way.  You stick by your partner through these physical changes.

However, you are rekindling an old relationship from way back in your youth. This is a bit different to me.  He is telling you that he wants to be with someone thin and that weight is a big issue to him.  He is making you feel bad about it and almost desperate to lose weight to be with him.  This is not a foundation for a relationship.  

I don't think you should pursue this with him.  He really doesn't have to be with you, there is no vow.  And trying to make you into someone else isn't going to work.  What if something happens and you can't lose the weight?  Is he always going to hold that over your head?

I think you should move on and find someone who DOES love you for who you are.  He's not that guy.  

good luck
Helpful - 0
1029273 tn?1472231494
Hi,
Well, the definition of unconditional love is to have absolute love for someone without any limitations, special terms, or judgment. In my opinion, it doesn't sound like your relationship with this man fits the criteria.
Do you feel that this man genuinely cares about your health and well being?
He tells you that you are still over weight; that he has never wanted a fat navy wife; that you are not working hard enough, and he becomes verbally abusive during arguments ~ basically it sounds a lot like he's trying to tear you down, and stomping on your self esteem. Intimidation tactics aren't supportive and encouraging; it's certainly not healthy for your relationship, and especially not for you...
Have you had an honest conversation with him about your feelings regarding his behavior towards you? If you have already done so, and don't see any improvement in the near future, then maybe it's time to leave this relationship in the past for good...
Take Care  



Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ask yourself:

Why do I want to be with a man who doesn't think I am worthy because I am overweight?

Why do I want to be with a man who wants a trophy wife?  

Why do I want to be with a man who wants to mold me into what HE wants?  

Why do I want to be with a man who is emotionally and verbally abusive?

The relationship didn't work when I was young, thin and perfect, so how would it EVER?


"when we argue he always calls dumb b**** stupid a** or fat cow. How can i get it through his head that i am not a project or something that needs to be fixed, but someone that just wants to be encouraged and loved unconditionally?"..............LEAVE HIM.  That's how you show him.  Don't stick around hoping he sees the light or gets the message.  

I bet you he looks NOTHING like he looked years ago.   He's got serious issues.  He sounds like a self-absorbed, controlling abuser.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thank you all for all the responses. in response to Londres. I actually lost the thirty pounds before he asked me to rekindle the relationship due to health issues. I want to lose the weight for me not him. it was just last week that he asked me to rekindle the relationship and I thought about it and thought okay lets try. When we were together before i was younger and thinner and he never said anything to me like that. I never thought he would until now that we talked and met up and then he started saying these things. I tried to explain to him that i want someone who is supportive of me who encourages me and will love me now matter what and that is when he said that he never wanted a fat navy wife/gf which then led to an argument and name calling. I definitely don't want to be with someone that can't make me happy and bring out the best in me.

clement4now: I agree with everything you and londres have said. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1614729226
He only asked you to rekindle the relationship last week, and since then he has had an argument with you, called you a fat cow and a dumb *****, and said he wants a trophy wife?  He can go jump in the lake.  Who would want to marry such a superficial and mean person?  Let him go.  I would have walked on the phrase "I want a trophy wife."  What kind of idiot would even think such a thing?  Even trophy wives are real people, who age, get sad, have accidents, etc.  How many women has he dumped for reasons of not being good arm candy?  Goodbye to him, I would say.  Lose the weight for your own reasons.  Then when he sees you on the street and you are at a healthy weight, you can add "revenge" to the reasons you did it.  Find a genuine and real man, not a prick.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank u Annie brooke
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Great that you have lost weight, but for him you are still not worthy because you are still overweight.  I got that part.  What I was trying to say the relationship didn't work before when you were young, thin and perfect.  
This is NOT going to work whether you are thin or fat.  

Your weight shouldn't define who you are as a person.  

Once you get the weight off he will probably find something else he doesn't like about you and make you change that..............typical of someone who is controlling.  

Like AB stated...........tell him to get lost.  

He sounds like a total pig and selfish plus the things I stated in my previous post.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You two want each other to change.  Why not find partners who you both really want?  More compatible?

Dating is a choice not an obligation hon.  You have the power here.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I completely agree that I would walk out on a guy who said "I want a trophy wife" unless he is smiling at you and calling you one,  as a compliment.

What a total loser.  I wonder if he knows what trophy wives are?  They are women who are model gorgeous,  who marry men who have lots of money - they're basically purchased for the lifestyle the guy can offer in return for how she looks on his arm.

I was also interested that you said "instead i feel that he cares more about how i appear on his arm around his friends".  It's not a feeling,  you're listening and hearing what he's telling you.  

One more minute with this guy is wasted.

Best wishes.  BTW - I don't believe in unconditional love,  except between a parent and a minor child.  All other loves have "conditions",  and should have them,  IMHO.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Londres - no he looks nothing like he used to when we first met. he looks older now and his face is saggy stuff from old age. i tried to explain to him that people change with age and he swears up and down  he looks like he did when he was younger. no he deosnt.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
so we had a discussion and i told him that i do not want to rekiindle it after all, he argued and hung up, i am not calling him back. Thank you everyone for the responses.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Great,  scared.  I think you'll feel really free.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1614729226
After all the superficial and insulting stuff he said, he had the nerve to argue with you about not rekindling the relationship?  He is some prize.  Good work.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hon, you are wasting your breath trying to explain anything to these type of people.  They NEVER get it.

I knew he didn't look the same as he did before.  Those men are the worse sometimes and they delude themselves into thinking that time stood still for them and they truly believe they look the same.  He is ridiculous.  He wants to live a façade.  He's got issues.

Of course he got upset..........he doesn't have anyone to kick around and belittle now.  Plus, he probably is the kind who has to say what goes and he is mad you took your power back.  

Good for you!  You deserve better.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
so i just found out from my friend that was close with both of us. now he called her after i told him and is feeding her the same lines he fed me.I told her not to go for it lol. what a jerk
Helpful - 0
11740171 tn?1447943742
You deserve better and don't need someone who, one week in, is already degrading you and your self worth. Good for you for getting rid of him! I know it has to hurt that he jumped right to your friend. I agree, what a jerk!
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
At this point,  I kind of feel sorry for him.  Here he is mid-30's,  lonely,  trying hard to form a relationship I guess,  but he really just does NOT get it at all.

It's like he has a cognitive issue understanding what he's doing that's so incredibly offensive.  :(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He does sound pretty clueless as well.

What scum!  That's really tasteless.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1614729226
He might be lonely, but if someone is a pompous control freak with a sexist, superficial attitude about women, hey, he's going to be lonely.  No woman's idea of a life partner.  Good thing he's in the military, it's probably the only place he can be successful in this gender-integrated day and age, that is, if he doesn't get stationed with any women.  
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1614729226
Not that I'm saying he is a bad person, though.  LOL
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.