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Avatar universal

what does he have that I don't?

I'm 18 now and 4 years ago I met an amazing girl. we were together  for 2 years, things went great and then disasterous. we broke up and both found somebody else, 2 years down the line and I break up with my girlfriend at the time. I get a phone call from my ex saying she has split up from her boyfriend. we meet a few times and all my feelings for her come back. of course I've always loved her. she's been on my mind every day since the day we met. a month later we decide to try again as we have both grown up. we have been together 2 month and had sex once. she has her own place and asks me every night to stay with her. I do everything she asks, try my best to get her in the mood however she's always 'too tired' we used to have such a passion. I don't know what is wrong. I think she's missing her ex yet she always denys it, she always says she hates him and loves me but I don't believe her. she's become so secretive, she's passworded her phone and won't even let me move it, she never shows me that she cares, she says some nice words on occasion butthat's all. when I'm upset she calls me childish, when I don't smile all the time she tells me I'm in a mood even though I'm not. she seems to have lost all passion, I try everything I think of, I ask her about it and she changes subject, I try pushing back my emotions so she doesn't worry. I'm so stuck on what to do. I love her more than anything. id do anything for her, I just know she's not as passionate as I am or as she was 2 years ago. I don't want to lose her but I'm worried about her happiness. I really hope somebody has an idea how I can make this any better. we've been together again for 2 months and only had 1 night of passion :(
14 Responses
Avatar universal
I think she cares for you but not like she use too she got a taste of freedom and another man. I don't think she wants to be tie down again you guys were together for 2 yrs then the other guy 2 yrs she wants her freedom right now she's content on what y'all have it may not be about sex with her just your company she's use to you but tryin to keep wanting sex may be what she wants I wouldn't press that issue let her come to u for it go with the flow of things if its real love y'all will end back together but give her some space until she figures out what it is she wants. Good Luck and God Bless you both
134578 tn?1614729226
Sorry to offer this, but it sounds like she is regretting the decision to get back together.  This doesn't necessarily mean she is thinking of her ex.  She might have gotten back together with you again out of loneliness, or sentiment, or because she genuinely thought she felt it, but now it sounds like the bloom is really off the rose for her and she doesn't want to say so, probably because she cares about you and doesn't know how to hurt your feelings when you so clearly love her.  Your suspicion that she is thinking of her ex is kind of not the point, the problem is that clearly she is not thinking of you in the same way as before.  For all you know, she has met a new person, or just doesn't want you in her business (with her phone calls), or something entirely different.  But the operative point is that it's pretty obvious that she's not in the same space about you that she once was, and that, as much as it hurts, is that.  You can't make someone feel a way they don't.

I'd get away from the relationship for a while and just keep in touch occasionally.  If she is really serious about you, she will get back in touch.
Avatar universal
have you ever thought you are trying too hard,you seem to be so worried about pleasing her that you forget that you too must be happy,maybe she feels a bit crowded,i suggest that you back of a bit,maybe say no on occassions when she asks you too stay,go out with your mates have a life as well as the one you have with your girlfriend,i always find that someone realises what they got when it starts slipping away,i really hope it works out for you.
Avatar universal
thankyou for all your help.
I guess I have to let her figure things out. I'm scared she'll realize she doesn't love me or want to be with me. I really do love her and her happiness is the most important thing to me so if letting her go will make her happy then its all I can do.
I guess I will always have the passion that we used to feel and atleast that happened. I'm greatful for the 2 years we spent together previously and that I had a second chance.
do you think talking about it would help? she would change the subject and id get upset but I need answers.

thankyou for your help, I really appreciate you spending your time to answer me.
Avatar universal
I think talking about it is a great idea.  Communication is key in all relationships. I think you need to plan ahead and create an atmosphere in which you both will be comfortable and that will allow the whole conversation to develop.  I think you have to be willing to lay it all on the line and be willing to hear her side of the story, regardless of what she has to say.  Worst case scenario is that she says she doesn't feel the way you do.  Yeah, that will sting...probably a lot.  The good news is, you'd know exactly where you stand with her and that is essentially what you are looking for.  (I don't think it is out of line for you to kindly demand answers to the questions you have regarding your life and your relationship.  It takes 2 to tango, and as of now you are both there.)

I think you need to tell her what it is that you are looking for in the relationship and to let her know that you are willing to be supportive and willing to cater to her needs as well.  I would not make this "all about you".  Keep in mind that she is included in this too, so her needs need to be met as well.

Opening a conversation like this can be real uncomfortable, but the bottom line is, without this conversation, how do you intend to find the answers that you are looking for?  Remember, you cannot control another person.  We are only in control of ourselves.  We can offer support, we can reassure, we can love... we cannot control another persons thoughts, feelings, emotions, or actions.

Avatar universal
that makes alot of sense but im so scared of what she'll say.
she never listens to me, she gets in a mood with me if i seem just a little upset and tells me im not going over to hers if im not happy.
i just dont understand, we were so in love back then and now she seems like she's only with me to get over her ex who she talks about ALL  the time. maybe its me being silly but she seems so different. she used to be the sweetest, cutest and most loving person i've ever met and now she seems like she just doesnt care and im there just to keep her company.
my heart is breaking every minute because i just dont think she feels the same as i do.
i know it's silly of me but i dont really want to bring it up because she may just break up with me or get angry and i dont want that.
looking at how she was 4 years ago and how she was with her last partner and then looking at how she is with me now confuses me madly.
i find it incredibly difficult to talk to her in person as im afraid of the response.
she will most probably get in a mood, change the conversation and go to bed or just not talk to me.
i love this girl more than i ever thought possible, she's in my mind all the time, she's in everything i do. she is a huge part of me and i dont think i can stand being lost again.
however all i care about is her happiness and if she's not happy with me, i'll be willing to sacrifice my happiness for hers.
i've never been so scared or confused in my life and its hard for me.
Avatar universal
I don't want to seem blunt, but I am going to point something out to you that you said..."she used to be the sweetest, cutest most loving person I've ever met and now she seems like she just doesn't care and I am there just to keep her company".  You also went on by saying, "I know it's silly of me but I don't really want to bring it up because she may just break up with me or get angry and I don't want that."  

I am sure you don't want that, and I rest relatively sure that you don't want to sit and be a burden to this person and that you don't want to squander your life...correct?  So you can ask and find out what is happening and move along accordingly or you can say nothing with this whole thing hanging over your head.  You, and only you gets to pick your poison here.... Also... take a look at the first quote of yours that I mentioned.  "You don't want her to break up with you and you don't want to make HER mad."

Take her out of the equation for just a minute.  What are your feelings worth to you?  If your feelings don't mean much to you right now, you really ought to consider that.  Relationships like this involve 2 people.  Relationships are give and take.  If you are constantly giving and not getting in return, it is a one sided relationship...if you could even call it a relationship.  Your feelings do count because YOU are involved.  You have to be getting something rewarding out of the relationship, other wise why be there?  You are not a servant in the relationship, you are a participant.  It takes 2 to tango.

If she is not willing to talk about it, it is her with the problem.  It could be anything, but the problem is hers and it is affecting you.  This is exactly where you need to be supportive.  You need to be able to say that you want her to be happy and you deserve the same thing... to be happy.  If she truly isn't happy, neither will you be.

Not to sound mean, but it is time for you to go ahead and take charge right now.  You are young and have the rest of your life to look forward too.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if this person wanted the same thing?  It could also be a wonderful thing to be able to move along if this person does not feel for you the way you feel for her. Moving along might take some adjustment, but what is the use of staying in a relationship that lacks the love and the passion you are looking for?  

On the other hand, if this person is till hung up on her ex, maybe she needs time to put that away.  You can give her the time and space to do that, but it is important for you to work on you and realize your own worth.  No offense, but you seem to be lacking that right now.  2 people on the same track = 100%, 2 people on different tracks is 50% at best..... 50% is a failure.  Don't settle for less.  This is your life.
Avatar universal
of course i care about my feelings but at the end of the day, seeing a smile on her face makes all the pain worth it. id rather have her and be 90% happy then not have her and only be 10% happy.
all i want is her happiness because if she's happy then i am also.
the main problem we have is that she doesnt seem happy, and seems to be keeping something from me and she doesnt understand no matter what it is, if she told me i'd do my best to help.
i guess i will have to just give it time and see what happens, i will face the pain when it comes to it if i have to.
Avatar universal
just as i thought. i mentioned it to her. she said she misses her ex and the 'spark' that used to be between us just isnt there anymore, she says she loves me but she doesnt have the 100% passion she used to. i knew this would happen sooner or later. im heartbroken for the second time.
well, thankyou all for your help anyway
134578 tn?1614729226
As I suggested originally, she might have gotten back together with you again out of loneliness, or sentiment, or because she genuinely thought she felt it, or wishful thinking, and although she found she had stopped feeling it, she still did care about you enough to not want to hurt your feelings.  Better than her being totally cruel to you, or seeing someone behind your back.

All I can say is, when a relationship has changed, you have to realize that you're not in love with what "is," you're in love with what was.  What is, is that she is your friend.  You're in love with your memory of the past, and think that if you are just sad enough or want it enough, the past will come back.  I'm sorry, the past is past.  You can't wish it back, you are mourning an image, not reality.   It's hard to move forward when you wanted something so much, but if it is not in her heart, it is not.  Good luck, try doing things that please you, and your grief might subside soon.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, I'm sorry.  I wish she felt for you as you do for her.  I think old flames can be comfortable spots for some to fall in when they are hurting.  That sounds like what has happened here.  That hurts.

I do have a suggestion for you though.  I think that you need to consider raising your expectations.  You are a young person and had fallen into a dysfunctional relationship in which you were giving and giving and not getting back.  That pattern is one you need to make sure you put an end to.  You are heartbroken over someone that hasn't been exactly great to be with lately.  I get that you have memories of how it used to be but when someone of 18 is already in a relationship that is going like what you described . . . it worries me about their future.  You need to be more protective of yourself dear.  You need to raise your expectations of how someone treats you and how a relationship goes and not just settle because you feel you love someone.  When it is one sided like that-----  I have to wonder why you'd settle.  Do you feel you are worty of someone loving you?  I hope so and settle for nothing less than being treated that way.  If you are married 10 years and are working on a relationship-----  that is normal but at 18 and a relationship that has rekindled . . . not good.  

I do wish you luck and I want better for you next time dear.  Get busy with friends, hobbies and school or work.  Especially school or work at your age.  good luck
Avatar universal
hey all. well. i dont have anything to worry about anymore, we broke up and she was seeing her ex, i waited for a friend outside her flat and lets just say her ex wasnt happy with me and made it extremely clear, he knows im not scared of him so he tries to make me scared by going to extremes. she was texting him the whole time i was with her, she told him everything, lied to me, she still loves him, goes to him when he's a psycho with a criminal record and a drug addiction. i dont need this, therefore i am moving on, im going to pass my driving test, get a good job and move out of this rubbish place. thankyou for all your help, i will get over this, i've loved her for 5 years, she didnt deserve the love i had to give.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
No, she didn't.  Your gut told you this and she just confirmed it for you.  Listen to your gut.  When it comes to relationships, I believe in using your head as much as your heart.  It is hard to do when you are in the thick of things, I know.

Anyway, I am sorry she has hurt you and I hope that happier times ahead will find you soon. Peace
Avatar universal
Now you can move on, painful, but you need to.  

Obvious her judgement is poor if she chose to be with someone with those kinds of problems.  

I have learned in life trying to rekindle a romantic relationship the second time around doesn't work most of the time.  In fact, I have never seen it work.  

Best of luck.  
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