My son was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury when he was born. He had a seizure at birth and a brain bleed. He was my first child. Throughout his childhood he had physical therapy, mental therapy, medications for a seizure disorder. In his elementary school years, he had a period of episodic paralysis which created the need for an aide at school. I was never present for these episodes, but school officials witnessed them and called me to the school many times. This lasted all of 3rd grade. He had hand tremors and I tirelessly advocated for a writing aide (when small) and a laptop when older. By the time he was a tween, he was obsessing about our neighbor, a college student, and keyed her car, put tacks on her doorstep, and peed on her porch-- all because he did not want her to date. He had trouble keeping friends because he would get jealous and retaliate by dumping out their backpacks in the coatroom.He was then diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. His first year of middle school he attacked the principle because she put away his comics after an aide took them away and he called 911 to report an adult stealing from him and abusing him. As a teenager, he would be truant more often than not, told stories about his dad having to move out because he broke my son's nose by punching him (he never lived with his dad and barely knew him), He threatened his ex girlfriend on the internet posing with a (fake) gun and writing threats, He physically went after his younger (six years difference) sister until the school called and told me that she was confiding in a school counselor.
He also coerced her into posing for genital photos when she was 8 and he was nearly 14.
He was diagnosed with Aspergers by then, and we sent him to a diagnostic center for one month.
After that, he lived next door (I own a duplex) with his other adopted parent per the recommendation of the school and the diagnostic center so as not to have my daughter removed from our home.
He was constantly in trouble but also constantly seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.
We somehow got him through high school (5 transfers) and on a mix of medications. He told people he was an exorcist, he told people that he went out crime fighting each night, He told people he was raised by dogs. None of these things were true.
He also liked to tell girlfriends that he had had a psychotic break. Again, not true and when one girlfriend asked me about it, I said "that never happened" and he was furious.
He WANTED to be "CRAZY" according to several girls he dated.
Now keep in mind, he looks like a model so girls will come around no matter...
Finally, he met a girl who started living with him and his adopted parent next door. She is odd herself and seemed to be okay with his quirks.
He got worse and we started arguing.
He didn't remember to take his meds, started and stopped drinking many times, couldn't hold down a job and made each job about someone else, was obsessive about his girlfriend, often accusing her of all kinds of things.
I had made the mistake of always giving and doing and giving him everything...
When I watched him, at 24, treating his other parent and those around him with contempt and anger, I withdrew some of the carte blanche excuses and started challenging his ideas and actions.
Maybe too little, too late.
Please know that at the time, he was where my Sun rose and set. It was not easy to ask or tell him what I saw.
It was hard to finally set boundaries or hold him accountable and oh boy, when I did, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
He eventually moved out with the girl, has just had his first child, and I have not spoken to him in six months. The six months before that, he wasn't speaking to me either, but there were a couple of times when he said he wanted to get together and talk.
His story is that I was emotionally abusive. Toxic and by now, I think that I have heard rumors that he gets the story bigger and bigger as time goes on. Sexually abusive? Physically abusive? I don't actually know because there are only whispers on the wind because he no longer speaks to any of our family as most of the relatives that were constantly there while he was growing up, have told him "that didn't happen".
Even his sister is angry and she believes the whole thing happened after she introduced him to a boyfriend of hers that was getting disability.
My son and his girlfriend asked him how he was getting disability when, my son had tried to get disability for Aspergers and they turned him down. My daughters boyfriend had said that he was getting it for panic attacks and PTSD because of childhood emotional abuse.
The next thing we all knew, my son was having panic attacks and PTSD. he is now getting a monthly check from the government.
Oh, and the paralization episodes during 3rd grade? He spontaneously admitted when he was 21, that he had faked those, as well as the seizure he had to avoid being arrested by the police for shoplifting and the seizures he had whenever he didn't like the job he worked at....
yes, I know he is a piece of work. Intellectually. And yet I am so sad that I have lost the sweetness part of him that I chose to see. I would love to know of groups or resources for parents that are going through what I am.
I know I helped create this by always making his disability his excuse, by bailing him out of every situation, etc.
I've been in therapy for a year-
I would just love to connect with people who are further along in the process than me.
My granddaughter was just born 4 days ago and he vows neither he or she will ever see me again.
How do you navigate this?