Hope this finds you all well,
I am 31(M) and gay, In the closet. I suffer from severe OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) since my teenage years. Any sexual thought, image or thinking about having sex or any type of sexual contact with another person or even just thinking about STDS and genital fluids and blood, or even exposing my skin to others (gym showers), exacerbates my OCD to a point were I can get to a really bad mental state. (Fear, anxiety). Hence I bearly had much sexual encounters in my life. The out come was never good.
I have suffered from this since my teenage years. I have been on medication and therapy since 2016. With a lot of help i am finally being able to think about moving on in life and sex or anything related to sex without suffering.
I will take a step now and visit a gay sauna (place where gay men meet). I will have a sexual encounter with people there. BUT, the only things that are planned to do taking my ocd into considerstion, and the things that my brain will allow me to do are as follows,
1) touch someone's genitals and explore them and then touch my own genitals also at the same time, using that Same hand I used to touch his. Also allow that person touch his gentials and touch mine at the same time using his same hand. (but NO genial to genital, it is genial to hand to genital)
2)Mutual masterbation, but please note that the genitals will NOT touch each other (very fearful for me), it will always be that, I will touch his genital, masterbate him, then touch my genitals and masterbate myself. (Genital hand genial contact). Also vice versa will happen, he will touch his genitals masterbate himself and then touch mine and masterbate me. So there might be fluids on hands then on genitals. This might happen in open air or inside a jacuzzi.
3) We will also take our clothes off, lay on top of each other. i will touch and kiss all his body and he will do the same to me. (Please note that NO mouth to mouth kissing, or mouth to genital kissing, also very scared).
It will only be kissing all body (legs, head, face hands etc...) and NO genitals, but for touching we will both touch each other including genitals. please note that there might also be an exchange of semen on the hands and body during the process, of touching and kissing body parts.
My main concern or worry or fear is contracting any std at all and mostly skin to skin Stds. (Hsv 1&2, hpv, siphilis). Am I at any risk at all for stds ? I don't want this act to cost me any mental distress, taking into consideration my past years. Reading your answers will help me mentally before and during and after the act.
I am very very sorry for all those detialed questions and descriptions , I just hope you understand my situation and that I worked hard to improve mentally. I thank you for all the time. and support, God bless.