Yesterday morning why oh why I have no idea. I got up after posting on here and felt ok in myself, and even had a shower. Whilst I was having my shower i noticed on the left of my back by my ribs I could not feel the shower head hitting my skin, it was quite bizarre. Weirdly the day before I had spasms in that area and gave it no mind because I just get these things, they come they go lol.
Anyway it was freaky and i didnt like it. I have noticed too recently when i bend over it feels like there is something hanging off the back of my right leg just under the bottom cheek along the thigh. Its weird it feels like someone is touching me, or like i said i have string or something hanging lol....this has been going on for 2 weeks.
Everytime I have a shower and get dressed it wipes me out for a bit and exacerbates my fizzing legs.
So I go downstairs and the kitchen is just in a mess. The sitting room has stuff just dumped, glasses, plates and crumbs on the floor and my husband is just sitting there on his sofa watching the telly.
He turned around and looked at me never said morning or nothing, and started to complain about the THROBBING in his left hand. For those of you who dont know the story he had a nerve trapped in his ulna nerve just had it operated on.
So I looked at him and said oh thats a good sign it probably means the nerves are finally repairing themselves.
So he said to me I cant cope with this it is driving me nuts.
That was it the catalyst......I went nuts.......
I told him he has no idea what I put up with every day. Throbbing in my hand ha ha get real. I told him the real me, that I am just sick of it. I have lost my life...its gone I am 60 years old yes i have had a good life but my life was over.
I said to him you just sit there and moan about a bit of throbbing, but you can walk and do all your hobbies, you can go off to work, (he is flying to Norway today even though 3 weeks ago he was dying). I told him he has no idea how I feel.
Every single day I get up and do the same boring things. I get up and dressed. Its a struggle.
Tidy his bed and the bathroom.
Go downstairs, and do all the dishes and sort out the mess that he leaves it in because he has to cook late at night.
Wash the kitchen floor, hoover the sitting room, feed the cats, and try to take the dog out for a walk.
EVERYDAY the same thing. Just doing those few things take me about 2 hours. By 10.30 I am in pain again and my morning energy rush is waning. Then I cant do much else.
On Tuesday and Wednesday my care worker comes and sometimes she takes me out and we go in my wheelchair around the shops.
5 years ago i was teaching and looking after 54 tutors, and he is sitting there moaning about a throbbing hand.......
I actually said to him i would rather have had cancer at least it would be a case of being cured or not. My illness is like the living dead. I feel like i am in a prison.
Then the tears, and tears and i just sobbed and sobbed i have never cried like that before in my life.
He was so shocked. I dont think he realised or had any clue as to how i really feel. I am strong very strong, and there I was laying on the settee sobbing my heart out into a pillow.
I didnt think i would stop to be honest.
He actually came over and gave me a cuddle. It was a long time before i calmed down.
But I finally think my husband got the message.
Later that day he fixed 3 things i have been moaning about in the house, and even hoovered his bedroom which is a mess. The first time in 20 years he has actually hoovered a carpet.
He didnt want to go to Norway today is worried about me, but I think it will do him good to reflect on our lives, my life, and how I feel for a change.
Everytime I tried to tell him how I felt, he would tell me what pain he was in and turn it around to him.
This is the same for my daughters, if I mention I am in pain or have spasms or feel low they always turn it around straight away and say how they feel. No one actually just gives me a hug or send me a text message saying hi mum hope you are ok today, no instead i get a phone call asking for money or telling me all about their problems.
I am just sick of it all and I think that throbbing pain in my husbands hand became the throbbing pain of my life.
I just needed to share. You my internet buddies are the only ones who really understand. I get more support from you then I do from my own family.
And that is the truth.
My sister is the one true person who really cares over me. She drives 30 minutes to see me, and then goes to work driving 30 minutes back every month. She rings me all the time and makes sure i am ok.
Thats all I want from my family.
Just a little text or message to say hi mum hope your ok.
I just want my husband to listen to me and support me. I dont ask much. I do lots of stuff even though I am in a bad way some days, I always make sure he is ok, and my pets are ok before I worry about myself.
Anyway finally I think my husband saw the real me. The person behind the mask.
Now I have to find a way to get out of this prison i am in and start living again. Maybe my illness has just erroded slowly all my reserves. Who knows.
Thanks for listening. Its a new day today, i have to do something otherwise i might as well give up totally. I am not sure i am ready for that quite yet.
I didnt share this for you to feel sorry or bad for me, I dont need that honestly I just wanted to share with you a little bit of my life. I am sure you can relate to it. xxxx Maria