8 month+ sexless relationship

[William_K]

Hi, im 17 and my girlfriend is 2 months older (she is eighteen) and we have almost no sexual interaction, ill explain why. ive never seen her fully naked, ive never seen her vagina the only way i can pleasure her is by rubbing her... area through thin leggings. the reason for me never seeing it is because as a young girl (12-13) she was nearly molested by a f*****g sicko in a book shop. it is common in this event for young girls to beleive there is something wrong with their sexual parts and so she tried to pull it off resulting in, as she puts it, "a mess down there" therefore i cannot see it (a fact i completely understand).

a few months ago we tried sex, in the dark, i tried penetration but her vagina was so tense i couldn't fit. we looked up the symptoms and after a while diagnosed it as 'Vaginismus' the professionals will probably know what it is, we thought it was caused by her complete lack of self confidence and fear of me seeing or noticing anything wrong with her vagina. she visited a cosmetic clinic for an info pack, planning to have surgery to "tidy up down there" and fix the problem. she can afford the surgery due to recent inheritance. this was several months ago and she doesnt seem as determined to get the surgery which i believe is the only way she will every be fully comfortable with herself and be able to have sex. however i dont know if she ever will have the surgery or not. im still a virgin and am starting to feel very sexually repressed by the situation and every mention of sex on tv or by my peers just makes me feel upset and frustrated that me and us as a couple are missing out.

as a couple we are also going through a rough patch where we are irritated by each other all the time and im pretty sure that sex will help. everytime i try to talk to her about the situation she gets irritated and just says she'll do it in her own time but im worried she'll wait for a very long time or never do it at all.

can someone please help? im horny and frustrated all the time, i do get handjobs and blowjobs occasionally but i need sex. i dont want to leave her as we are completely in love but we need sex and i especially do. any advice on the situation will be greatly apreciated :)

[NOHARD]

Hi William, Your going to need lots of time, Hope your both at the same uni, sounds like she will need you with her.
Your still on a sticky wicket, but perhaps at uni you can play some real cricket or some rugby, it will keep you healthy for all sex you will have one day.

I do think some counselling would help with the plastic surgery that she plans to have one day, these things would marry up together.

The tightness will go once she starts relaxing after the plastic surgery, when she knows all down below is better and healed up.

But you still have a mountain to climb.
But good Luck to both of you.

[William_K]

Also quickly want to make clear, I want her to do it for her benefit, even if we break up before she does it I would want her to do it for her own good regardless of whether or not we have sex, I probably should have made that clearer earlier on :/

[William_K]

To male it clear, the trauma isn't a factor, no counseling is needed as she is completely over it. As for the sex I've come to terms with the fact that we won't have sex but it still makes me sad but I know that shell deal with it in her own time. I'm just afraid that shell never get around to doing it and be a virgin for the rest of her life. We're both going to uni in a year and its unlikely we'll make it through that so I'm just going to enjoy to enjoy being with her and try to forget about sex.

For the record though I never pressure her, we've talked about it twice and now I don't mention it. The thing that upsets me is how sometimes shell say stuff like "we're NEVER gonna have sex" and that to me just sounds like giving up but I suppose that later in life she may decide to go through with the fix, I just don't want her to miss out on it for to long

In difficult situations she often trys to make a problem go away by ignoring it but I hope shell mature out of that.

There's no problem with her top half, she's often casualy topless but I have to look away whenever she changes bottom half, which is due the vagina problem, as for her being comfortable with it, I doubt it'll ever happen. Although having said that I did manage, at the start of her relationship to all but 'cure' her of her mild anorexia and now she doesn't give a darn about her weight so perhaps the same will happen for the vagina. Sorry to be ranting but its nice to be able to talk about it with someone else as I can't talk to my friends for obvious reasons.

I think the idea of experimenting beyond the comfort zone is a good one but I don't think she'll go for it, she thinks that the tightness and clenching is just due to her vagina rather than vaginismus brought on by fear of me seeing her vagina.

Anyway, I think that my best bet is to wait and perhaps discuss the exploration of the comfort zone. But I do think the fix is the only way of solving the issue completly  but its her choice, I'll just have to wait and see what she decides.

Everybody who's contributed I thank you so much for your input and any more help and opinions are welcome :)

[NOHARD]

Hi William, Well you are batting on a very tricky wicket, trying down below I think you should forget that for a long time, you must go with her wish's.

But fir now she does need some very good counselling and therapy.

For now you must keep her happy, and for now be happy with the hand and oral sex that your getting.

Don't push the plastic surgery, don't even think of pushing that, you must let her deal with that in her own way and let her pick the time for it.

You must at all times remember its her body, its not just a play garden for you and your sexual thoughts.

I cant think how at 17 you fell sexually repressed.

If you love her then just wait for her to do the moves, in her own time.

I suggest you let her see these reply's, but the therapy and counselling, both would be a good start for her as a way forward, it may even help you as well.
Good Luck

PS Tread very carefully with her for some time, you are on a tricky wicket,
and try thinking from her side, not your horny side of life.

[BluCrystal]

Well, hate to say it, but she gets to keep the ball in this game.  You have zero say-so in what she chooses to do or not do with her body.  You said you love her?  Let me tell you a story.  When I was 16, I was forcefully face-******, more than once.  That experience put me off blowjobs big time.  I'm married 17 years now, happily.  It took me over five years to even make an attempt.  And he had to follow rules: do not touch me at all, anywhere.  And be still.  That took awhile of me trying and him putting a gentle hand on my head and me balking off as if I'd been burned.  He never asks me, except for a very rare occasion, and I seldom say okay whether he asks me or not.  I have to be allowed to decide on my own if and when and where it will happen, and I also decide how long I want to do it.  Sometimes it's just a bit of foreplay, other times it's longer.  My point here is that it might take her years.  My husband stayed, through that, my low sex drive, my kids, my LIFE.  Question is this: will YOU???  Blessings - Blu

[Anonymouse88]

Ok, you need to stop pressuring her.  Constantly badgering her about wanting sex is coercion, and it's not going to help you in the end.  If she has sex with you because you keep bugging her, that's technically rape because she's not really consenting.  I understand your frustration, but you need to be understanding of her, and most importantly, she needs to feel that you're being understanding.  You can always masturbate to let off some steam.

She sounds like she needs therapy to get over the trauma she experienced.  The diagnosis you guys came to of vaginismus is reasonable, and if it's true, then having sex right now would probably be extremely painful for her, and I'm assuming you don't want to cause her pain.  I don't think getting cosmetic surgery will help anything, because it won't address the root cause of her discomfort, which was the near molestation.  As long as the doctor says her parts are fine, she should try to learn to live with them.  And many girls don't realize how truly diverse female genitalia are in presentation.  Maybe she should spend some time looking at a google image search on female genitalia in private (and probably on in private browsing).

So you need to work really slowly.  Make sure she's comfortable saying when she's uncomfortable, and then start gently playing on the edges of that comfort.  Talk to her about it, and maybe see if she'll agree to have your hand up her shirt, and then maybe have her shirt off another time, but have her put it back on at any time if she feels the need.  Then maybe work up to rubbing her through her underwear with your hand down her pants, but go back to outside if she tells you to (and make sure to ASK before putting your hands down her pants).  Doing this gentle exploration and letting her run back to her safe zone whenever she wants without feeling bad about it or pressured should make her more comfortable over time.  The whole process should be discussed between the two of you when you aren't in the middle of a sexual situation.

She should also try masturbating with insertable objects (you can cover things in a condom to keep them clean, but make sure it's nothing sharp or breakable).  She can start with her fingers and some lube.  You should buy plenty of water or silicone based lube, because even if you two break up, you can never have too much lube.  She should keep her nails trimmed, and so should you if you work up to fingering her (which you should do before working up to sex).  A vibrator would be good too, since arousal can help relax things.  And you can use it on her too.  

It'll take time, but if you love her, you will respect her boundaries and help her work through this rather than potentially adding to her trauma by pressuring her.