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Boyfriend of 5 years suddenly started losing erection during sex

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have always been extremely sexually attracted to each other and that hasn't changed. We have an amazing sex life and have never had any issues.

However, during sex yesterday, my boyfriend lost his erection part way through. I immediately freaked out and assumed that he was either having sex with someone else or that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He got angry with me and we fell out.

Later on that evening, we had sex again. This time was completely fine as normal.

Before going to bed, we went to go again. It was going amazing and he was loving it, but then a few minutes in he pretended to come and rolled over and said goodnight... but he didn't come. He went soft again.

I really don't know what to think. We have never had this problem! I don't want to confront him again as he got so defensive but I'm so worried that it's something wrong with me or that he's cheating on me. He had smoked weed before the two times that he went soft, so I don't know if that could affect him? But he's smoked weed our entire relationship and it's never caused a problem before!

Any help on this matter would be greatly appreciated :(
2 Responses
207091 tn?1337709493
Oh honey, calm down. This happens to men sometimes, and could have 100 different causes, and cheating isn't anywhere on the list.

He could be tired, he could have smoked too much weed or gotten a different strain that is affecting him differently, he could be stressed, he's getting older and things change, he could have low testosterone, a medical problem like diabetes, a prostate issue... the list goes on and on.

You also had sex 3 times in one day. That's a LOT. Is that normal for you?

Here is some more info on it, but don't worry yet. It was one day. This is only a concern (and a medical one, not a relationship concern) if it continues.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/syc-20355776

https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/urologic-diseases/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes

Don't accuse him of anything. Erectile dysfunction is not a sign of cheating by itself, and could be a sign of a medical problem, and I'm sure you'd hate to have accused him of something repeatedly if it turns out he has something wrong medically. Don't even bring it up again unless it keeps happening.

If he has a history of cheating, and that's why your mind immediately went there, address that separately from this. If he doesn't, and your mind still immediately went there, that's your issue to solve apart from him. Counseling can help. (I say that only with compassion, not criticism.)

It could be nothing (he was just tired or too high) or something more serious. Just be gentle until you find out.

4 Comments
Very good advice, auntiejessi, I agree. It’s so unfortunate that whenever a guy has problems maintaining an erection, the woman thinks either he’s not attracted to her anymore, she’s doing smthg wrong, or he’s cheating. Often we guys just put way too much pressure on ourselves to ‘perform’ (bad word, very negative) & if we have even one episode we start to freak out, question our manhood, think we’re suffering from ED, and of course, the more we worry about it, the worse it gets.

The whole process of erections is incredibly complex - it involves numerous different processes in the body, including hormones, the mind, nerve impulses, and circulation, among others, and if even one part of this is not functioning 10o%, there can be problems.

The best course of action is to be understanding, let him know you still love him, and please, emphasize that you’re NOT thinking of leaving him for another guy because of this issue! I guarantee you, that’s one of the first thoughts guys have, that their wife or GF is gonna look for sex elsewhere, and that thought is  terrifying & humiliating! Try not to make too big a deal of it & things may return to normal. If prblms do persist, then encourage him to see his reg Dr 1st & if no solution is found, see a Urologist who specializes in erectile function issues...

By the way ‘user’, you mention him smoking weed - that could be part of the problem. Frequent pot use is known to lower testosterone levels & that could be contributing to this issue...
"Frequent pot use is known to lower testosterone levels & that could be contributing to this issue... " - I meant to add that. I'm glad you did. It's an excellent point.  :)



Thank you both so much for your replies.
I completely understand the way I reacted was ridiculous! I suffer a lot with low self esteem so immediately assumed the problem was because of me. But your replies have really put my mind at ease.
And yes, 3 times in a day is normal haha! We don't see each other very often so when we do we make the most of it. But this is why I was so shocked, because we have sex a lot and have for a long time, and this has never once been an issue!
Thank you so much, I'll read those links you sent too :)
Oh the sex fest - that's what I called it when I was in a long-distance relationship, and we would try to cram like a month's worth of sex into a weekend.

That adds pressure to both of you to make sure everything is perfect and beautiful and wonderful, and if either of you are tired, or not feeling well, or just had a crappy day and is really stressed, it's hard to say, "hey, I just want to sleep, is that okay?" You have to have TOGETHERNESS.

For yourself, most importantly, but also for a tiny part for him, work on your self-esteem. It sucks feeling that way. Without even knowing you, I know that whatever you're saying to yourself is wrong. Would you let your best friend say the things to herself that you say to yourself?

If it takes counseling, get it. If it's from trauma, work through that - and yes, I know that will suck. I know it firsthand.

Get a good self-help book, or find something on Instagram or whatever that works for you. None of us are perfect - it's not possible. We may not be the smartest, or the prettiest, or have the best boobs or butt, and who cares, in the end? No one has perfect anything, but you are the best at being you, and that's pretty damn special.



20620809 tn?1504362969
Does your partner have any mental health issues? This is really common with men who are depressed or going through something psychological.  Agree about the pot use issue as well.  Hope it gets sorted out, has to be frustrating for you both.
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