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Can anyone tell why my wife stopped giving me oral sex around 2 years ago
I've been with my wife for 15 years and one day she just stopped giving me oral. No explanation or reason for it. She just doesn't do it
I'm going to say talking about it is the best thing to do. But maybe she was always kind of doing it just to please YOU and she's ticked off at you deep down for something so just isn't interested in it now. Are you getting alone?
2 Comments
not alone, along!!
That’s definitely a possibility - she might have been doing it somewhat reluctantly & eventually got tired of doing it if she felt she wasn’t getting enough back in return. Another reason it’s important to talk this out!
Some women have a tendency to kind of hold their feeling in & not say anything until it builds up & becomes a big issue for them. It’s possible an open discussion - with no blaming - can clear the air. Let us know how things go, hopefully you can reach a solution agreeable to both of you...
Some women have a tendency to kind of hold their feeling in & not say anything until it builds up & becomes a big issue for them. It’s possible an open discussion - with no blaming - can clear the air. Let us know how things go, hopefully you can reach a solution agreeable to both of you...
Have you asked her about it?
Don't accuse or confront, just gently say, "I really enjoyed it when you gave me oral sex, and felt really close to you then (or whatever). I was wondering why you stopped. Was it something I did?" Don't do it during sex. Do it during a quiet moment with just the two of you.
Then be open to hear what she has to say, and don't get defensive. This is a discussion, not a heated debate or fight.
There must be some reason, but we don't know - maybe she doesn't like it, or doesn't like something you do during it, or she feels uncomfortable, or you aren't reciprocating, or you expect it to be like porn. Maybe she's exhausted from working, kids, being a wife and it's too much - I don't know and the list of possibilities is long.
After 15 years of marriage, though, you should be able to have an open, honest, gentle conversation about sex. Maybe now is a good time to explore why that isn't happening.
Don't accuse or confront, just gently say, "I really enjoyed it when you gave me oral sex, and felt really close to you then (or whatever). I was wondering why you stopped. Was it something I did?" Don't do it during sex. Do it during a quiet moment with just the two of you.
Then be open to hear what she has to say, and don't get defensive. This is a discussion, not a heated debate or fight.
There must be some reason, but we don't know - maybe she doesn't like it, or doesn't like something you do during it, or she feels uncomfortable, or you aren't reciprocating, or you expect it to be like porn. Maybe she's exhausted from working, kids, being a wife and it's too much - I don't know and the list of possibilities is long.
After 15 years of marriage, though, you should be able to have an open, honest, gentle conversation about sex. Maybe now is a good time to explore why that isn't happening.
10 Comments
Agree with this advice 100%, auntiejessi - very good advice, right in the money. One thing I’d add - as a guy, we know that sometimes things can get a little funky down there over the course of the day (even if you showered that morning), so make sure you’re clean & smelling good - NO ONE wants to ‘go down’ on something that smells bad!
Oh definitely, yes that is very, very true, Bonzo.
Cleanliness is a must. :)
Cleanliness is a must. :)
Ok. I understand why you would say that, My fault I should have said that it doesn't matter even after a shower or bath. Plus I am 50 years old, I learned a long time proper hygiene when it comes to that area, also there was women before her and they never had an issue with it. Also I that isn't the reason but let's say it was, she would have no problem telling me only after you wash it. Lol. But as I said most likely just like you when it comes to washing I always pay much detail to that area, I mean everyone should.
But I said my mistake for not making that clear. I too would've came to say conclusion. "I would have said to myself "Maybe if you cleaned your penis more often your wife might want to suck it"
No that's the reason, Its something else. It's almost like she used College to explore all her sexual desires, got it out of her system. Then met me, settled down, got married had children. Which I have been told is common, I guess if that's the case. I love her and accept it. But I would be lying if I didn't feel like men who in the big picture mean nothing because if they did then why not marry them and have their children. But these men got her A game and in the beginning I did too but once it was obvious I wasn't leaving or going to treat her loke **** which from i read and she has told me, they did. It seems to me once she became relaxed enough to no longer worry about that with me, A new woman appeared, one of isn't into wild and passionate sex.
Not a reason to break up the family or look elsewhere but I can definitely see how men who don't respect their wife, do just that and most likely justify it. Unfortunately for me, Im not that guy.
But I said my mistake for not making that clear. I too would've came to say conclusion. "I would have said to myself "Maybe if you cleaned your penis more often your wife might want to suck it"
No that's the reason, Its something else. It's almost like she used College to explore all her sexual desires, got it out of her system. Then met me, settled down, got married had children. Which I have been told is common, I guess if that's the case. I love her and accept it. But I would be lying if I didn't feel like men who in the big picture mean nothing because if they did then why not marry them and have their children. But these men got her A game and in the beginning I did too but once it was obvious I wasn't leaving or going to treat her loke **** which from i read and she has told me, they did. It seems to me once she became relaxed enough to no longer worry about that with me, A new woman appeared, one of isn't into wild and passionate sex.
Not a reason to break up the family or look elsewhere but I can definitely see how men who don't respect their wife, do just that and most likely justify it. Unfortunately for me, Im not that guy.
Well, good for you, SFMAN. I would never advocate having an affair for sex. I do understand where you’re coming from - it seems many women lose interest in sex as they get older, most guys retain their sex drive, but then not all still have good erectile function as they get older. My wife has lost about all interest, but I still love her very much & would never leave her or have an affair.
Anyway, hope you & your wife can reach some kind of accommodation on sexual activity. Maybe you can ask her if she’d be willing to do ‘A’ if you’re willing to do ‘B’ in return - just a thought...
Anyway, hope you & your wife can reach some kind of accommodation on sexual activity. Maybe you can ask her if she’d be willing to do ‘A’ if you’re willing to do ‘B’ in return - just a thought...
I'm 50, though I'm not married, and for myself and my friends, it isn't anything about exploring our desires in college, then settling down later and being happy with boring sex. That sounds like a male theory.
Women, generally speaking of course, are more likely to explore desires with someone they trust, not when they are younger and or in one-off encounters.
Since you addressed the cleanliness, what about the rest? Have you talked to her about it? Are you able to discuss sex with her? It may be a simple solution. She may not like it if you grab her hair or push her head down or something, and that is something easily resolved.
Women, generally speaking of course, are more likely to explore desires with someone they trust, not when they are younger and or in one-off encounters.
Since you addressed the cleanliness, what about the rest? Have you talked to her about it? Are you able to discuss sex with her? It may be a simple solution. She may not like it if you grab her hair or push her head down or something, and that is something easily resolved.
Yes. I've discussed the matter and as far as grabbing the hair. I don't do that, I don't want to come as a saint because I am far from it but when it comes to sex I am and always have been very respectful towards my wife and girl before her. So much to a fault. Years ago and I have even told my wife this story but I was with a girl and bith naked and I was about to have sex when she said no no I can't, being raised the way i was and type person I am. To me that means NO!! Stop what you are about to do. So I did exactly that. Well being very horny and little confused because every signal was we're going to have sex I guess I read ir wrong. I got out of the bed and got dressed and gave her a kiss and said I call you tomorrow, which I did. When I called she was pissed at me and went on about "Am I not good enough for you" and how dare you get ready for sex and then leave. I was like you said No you can't so I respect your decision and as far as leaving I said I too was hurt I thought this was something we both wanted and I was mad at myself for misreading the whole situation. Then she said of course I wanted sex, saying no is just something a girl does so not to come of as a ehore. Now I was really confused. I told no girl has said no who really means yes. No means No. and I hung up. This crazy girl went on to tell my friends that I have to gay because she wanted sex and I walked away....
True story. Anyway the reason I shared that was to show you I have total respect and never forced anything on any girl.
Im not saying I deserve credit for doing what every man should do anyway, just saying sometimes I am too respectful if there's such a thing..
Anyway, The best explanation I've been told and the one that makes sense, is I have a woman friend who I have known since we were both 4 years old. She lived next door to me and neither one of us had friends who lived close by so we became best friends and even tried dating in our teen years but learned we have a brother/Sister relationship rather than a sexaul one.
When I told her how my wife just stopped doing oral and how I have no idea why, She told me, That she knows many women like that. She made a point not to say all but a percentage of women that while being single and some in marriage, They want so bad to please a man they have fallen in love with and will do things they don't particularly like but do it anyway so not to disappoint or lose this guy. She believes that my wife is one of those women and it might have took a few years to realize you're are not like men who hurt or left for another woman in her past and once she came to believe that you are not like them and you're are leaving her, slowly the real woman started to come out, a woman who for some reason doesn't like oral and only did it to please you or that the fact if she didn't there's a woman somewhere who would do that.
She knows you anit going anywhere and if she stopped doing oral you wouldn't leave her for a woman who would. Which is absolutely correct. I wouldn't leave or cheat on my wife over something as little as not getting a ********..
She when on to say I am not alone, she wouldn't give name's to me but she said she knew of women who brag to their friends that tgere husband is lucky to get it once a month and even then they just want to get it over with, She consider yourself lucky your wife isn't like that and you guys still do everything else more than once a week except that one thing...
When she told me that I was like WOW.
Of course I don't know if that the real reason but it dies make sense.
My wife has told me on occasions, during our first couple of years she kept waiting for something bad to happen, her learning I have other girlfriends or I was going to break up with her. She even said in the beginning she thought I was playing a joke on her and was waiting for her to fall for me only for me to laugh and say you have to be joking...
As sick and strange I thought her saying that. I couldn't imagine anyone playing with somebody heart like that but I knew she was serious. It was a real fear for her in the beginning...
So what my friend said is so a possibility and if that's the case I guess I am out of luck because I would never force or say do it or I will find a woman who will.
I guess it is what it is, Still that sucks that There's women who bend over backwards to please shitbag guys and when it comes to to bice, decent guy well he get doesn't get her own A game ge gets just enough.
I have always known when it comes to the opposite sex nice guys finish last and for some reason, the bad boy shitbag gets everything. Funny how that works.
True story. Anyway the reason I shared that was to show you I have total respect and never forced anything on any girl.
Im not saying I deserve credit for doing what every man should do anyway, just saying sometimes I am too respectful if there's such a thing..
Anyway, The best explanation I've been told and the one that makes sense, is I have a woman friend who I have known since we were both 4 years old. She lived next door to me and neither one of us had friends who lived close by so we became best friends and even tried dating in our teen years but learned we have a brother/Sister relationship rather than a sexaul one.
When I told her how my wife just stopped doing oral and how I have no idea why, She told me, That she knows many women like that. She made a point not to say all but a percentage of women that while being single and some in marriage, They want so bad to please a man they have fallen in love with and will do things they don't particularly like but do it anyway so not to disappoint or lose this guy. She believes that my wife is one of those women and it might have took a few years to realize you're are not like men who hurt or left for another woman in her past and once she came to believe that you are not like them and you're are leaving her, slowly the real woman started to come out, a woman who for some reason doesn't like oral and only did it to please you or that the fact if she didn't there's a woman somewhere who would do that.
She knows you anit going anywhere and if she stopped doing oral you wouldn't leave her for a woman who would. Which is absolutely correct. I wouldn't leave or cheat on my wife over something as little as not getting a ********..
She when on to say I am not alone, she wouldn't give name's to me but she said she knew of women who brag to their friends that tgere husband is lucky to get it once a month and even then they just want to get it over with, She consider yourself lucky your wife isn't like that and you guys still do everything else more than once a week except that one thing...
When she told me that I was like WOW.
Of course I don't know if that the real reason but it dies make sense.
My wife has told me on occasions, during our first couple of years she kept waiting for something bad to happen, her learning I have other girlfriends or I was going to break up with her. She even said in the beginning she thought I was playing a joke on her and was waiting for her to fall for me only for me to laugh and say you have to be joking...
As sick and strange I thought her saying that. I couldn't imagine anyone playing with somebody heart like that but I knew she was serious. It was a real fear for her in the beginning...
So what my friend said is so a possibility and if that's the case I guess I am out of luck because I would never force or say do it or I will find a woman who will.
I guess it is what it is, Still that sucks that There's women who bend over backwards to please shitbag guys and when it comes to to bice, decent guy well he get doesn't get her own A game ge gets just enough.
I have always known when it comes to the opposite sex nice guys finish last and for some reason, the bad boy shitbag gets everything. Funny how that works.
Auntiejessi
I've had time to process your comment.
Especially the part about when women get older they become more sexual. I don't know how to put in word's the things she has said me about how comfortable and confident she feels around me and until me she never felt that way, her word's not mine but she told me who she felt good enough for anyone and how she no longer feels that way. She credits me for that...
I know she was and maybe still is subconscious about her weight. I guess and I know it to be true because I have seen pictures but up until 20 years old she was thin or what society thinks is thin but something happen she became depressed and was prescribed different meds, (4 years before we met) and in the course of one year she went from weighing 125lbs at 5' 10inches to 240lbs.
I never gave her weight any thought, Yeah I be lying if I said I didn't notice and she definitely not like other girls I dated but her personality and good heart made me not care. So I do understand why she may have felt that way. I don't agree with it but definitely see how a woman who put on lot of weight in short period of time is nervous about her appearance in front of a man she is interested in......
But your explanation has me rethinking everything? Why tell me those things if she doesn't really feel that way. I would think it would be easier for her not mention anything to me. Yet what you said about with age comes confidence and being secure around your partner. I'm not claiming to be expert on women but everything I have read agrees with your comment. They say a woman doesn't really reach her sexual peek until their late 30s early 40s while for men it's between 17-25. By right at this point of her life she shouldn't be shutting down but opposite....
Now I am really confused. If you don't mind I could definitely use some help. Not pat myself on the back I only say it so you know you're wasting your advice on bad man. I am a good man. I don't cheat on her, I don't put her down I try if anything to build her up letting her know how much I appreciate and love her and everything she does...
I've tried talking to her and telling how I feel I get typical answers and probably truth in her answers saying tired and children. Which I get but I have the same children and get tired too but find time and energy to preform oral on her and what ever else her heart desires......
I don't want to leave her but I also don't want to not get my needs met. Or maybe I should put it my desires because I guess I don't need it. Also if I am all the things she tells me, then why not do that one thing even once a month? How do you think I should approach this, I would rather not bring up the dairy cause I still feel bad for reading it and the only thing that upsets me, is the fact how she was eager to do it to them and not me or I should say not me anymore because in the beginning it was very much part of life.
I don't know? It seems so trivial but also means something isn't right.
Any thoughts would much appreciated and I will share her response, cause I feel nobody knows each other and anything I say to can't come back and hurt her, something I would never do.
Even though I am positive she would not approve of me putting this out there but no one knows who she is or me
I've had time to process your comment.
Especially the part about when women get older they become more sexual. I don't know how to put in word's the things she has said me about how comfortable and confident she feels around me and until me she never felt that way, her word's not mine but she told me who she felt good enough for anyone and how she no longer feels that way. She credits me for that...
I know she was and maybe still is subconscious about her weight. I guess and I know it to be true because I have seen pictures but up until 20 years old she was thin or what society thinks is thin but something happen she became depressed and was prescribed different meds, (4 years before we met) and in the course of one year she went from weighing 125lbs at 5' 10inches to 240lbs.
I never gave her weight any thought, Yeah I be lying if I said I didn't notice and she definitely not like other girls I dated but her personality and good heart made me not care. So I do understand why she may have felt that way. I don't agree with it but definitely see how a woman who put on lot of weight in short period of time is nervous about her appearance in front of a man she is interested in......
But your explanation has me rethinking everything? Why tell me those things if she doesn't really feel that way. I would think it would be easier for her not mention anything to me. Yet what you said about with age comes confidence and being secure around your partner. I'm not claiming to be expert on women but everything I have read agrees with your comment. They say a woman doesn't really reach her sexual peek until their late 30s early 40s while for men it's between 17-25. By right at this point of her life she shouldn't be shutting down but opposite....
Now I am really confused. If you don't mind I could definitely use some help. Not pat myself on the back I only say it so you know you're wasting your advice on bad man. I am a good man. I don't cheat on her, I don't put her down I try if anything to build her up letting her know how much I appreciate and love her and everything she does...
I've tried talking to her and telling how I feel I get typical answers and probably truth in her answers saying tired and children. Which I get but I have the same children and get tired too but find time and energy to preform oral on her and what ever else her heart desires......
I don't want to leave her but I also don't want to not get my needs met. Or maybe I should put it my desires because I guess I don't need it. Also if I am all the things she tells me, then why not do that one thing even once a month? How do you think I should approach this, I would rather not bring up the dairy cause I still feel bad for reading it and the only thing that upsets me, is the fact how she was eager to do it to them and not me or I should say not me anymore because in the beginning it was very much part of life.
I don't know? It seems so trivial but also means something isn't right.
Any thoughts would much appreciated and I will share her response, cause I feel nobody knows each other and anything I say to can't come back and hurt her, something I would never do.
Even though I am positive she would not approve of me putting this out there but no one knows who she is or me
Listen, I said "generally speaking". I didn't say "every single woman".
There are lots of things that factor into a woman's sexuality - self-esteem is definitely one of them. It's awesome that you aren't tearing her down about her weight, but you are one person. Every other thing she sees is telling her it's not good to be overweight - media, other people, clothing, her doctors, etc. Yes, you are her husband, but you are just one person.
125 at 5'10 is underweight. Does she have disordered eating? (I don't mean does she eat too much, but does she have issues with food?)
DO NOT bring up the past. It doesn't matter, and it will make you look bad. Maybe she felt she had to do that so guys would like her - that's really common in young women.
Just ask her gently - don't bring up anyone else, don't bring up us here or your friend. Don't compare her to anyone else, or use stale male theories about marriage and sex. Just say that you really enjoyed it when she did that and it made you feel really close to her, and you were wondering why she stopped doing it. Then stop talking. Let her explain, and be really open to listening to her.
Men want to FIX. (Again, generally speaking.) Women want to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. (Again, generally speaking.) So listen. When she is done talking, if you have questions, say, "I need to clarify something to make sure I really understand when you said..."
I have no idea what she will say. She may mention trauma. You can not fix that for her if she has that in her past. A good counselor can help.
Just be open, compassionate, and gentle. You need to ask her, though. We can't tell you. Only she can.
There are lots of things that factor into a woman's sexuality - self-esteem is definitely one of them. It's awesome that you aren't tearing her down about her weight, but you are one person. Every other thing she sees is telling her it's not good to be overweight - media, other people, clothing, her doctors, etc. Yes, you are her husband, but you are just one person.
125 at 5'10 is underweight. Does she have disordered eating? (I don't mean does she eat too much, but does she have issues with food?)
DO NOT bring up the past. It doesn't matter, and it will make you look bad. Maybe she felt she had to do that so guys would like her - that's really common in young women.
Just ask her gently - don't bring up anyone else, don't bring up us here or your friend. Don't compare her to anyone else, or use stale male theories about marriage and sex. Just say that you really enjoyed it when she did that and it made you feel really close to her, and you were wondering why she stopped doing it. Then stop talking. Let her explain, and be really open to listening to her.
Men want to FIX. (Again, generally speaking.) Women want to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. (Again, generally speaking.) So listen. When she is done talking, if you have questions, say, "I need to clarify something to make sure I really understand when you said..."
I have no idea what she will say. She may mention trauma. You can not fix that for her if she has that in her past. A good counselor can help.
Just be open, compassionate, and gentle. You need to ask her, though. We can't tell you. Only she can.
Thank you So much.
Let us know what happens. I'm so interested to hear what she says now. :)
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