Aa
Is this very common?
Hi,
My bf likes to tie me up and use toys on me; it involves a little bit of pain. he likes dominance and it seems to go into his personality. i like him and i think it's fun, but is it unusual? and then talking dirty...is it okay to be degraded? i sort of go with it and don't have a problem with it myself, but perhaps it's unhealthy in the long part and indicative of some control issue with him?
My bf likes to tie me up and use toys on me; it involves a little bit of pain. he likes dominance and it seems to go into his personality. i like him and i think it's fun, but is it unusual? and then talking dirty...is it okay to be degraded? i sort of go with it and don't have a problem with it myself, but perhaps it's unhealthy in the long part and indicative of some control issue with him?
He does sound very unstable. I agree it's time to move on and find a regular guy.
hey, i don't know. i don't feel that way. it's become...less usual, actually, that he does this. it's become more about love. but it is a game and he's very gentle. it's actually been a while since he tied me up. but the problem is i don't see him that much; we go to the beach, we're tired..but he's softspoken, he works all the time, and... it's starting to get weird, emotionally. i have no idea what to do. i don't think it will go on much longer. i don't let him treat me like garbage--i am very sweet to him, far too so from a distance. this belongs in the "relationship" category. but i was wondering about all this that it's now that he has me...he's crazy about me...but he backs off. i think he's scared of losing me, he knows he's going to, and he's trying to prepare for it. either that or he's trying to re establish his dominance, which has gradually lost, by leaving me alone. any way, i won't have it. that's with him. he can do what he wants but i'm sick of another person control me. it's fun as a game and in sex, but i think that someone needs to be gentle and trustworthy to be able to handle me this way. since he's gotten more rude (ignoring phone calls and getting irritable all the time) then i really don't let him do this anymore, and he doesn't want to.we're still very passionate, but i think you reach a point where the game is over and can't be played.
this poor guy. is how i feel about it.
this poor guy. is how i feel about it.
I think the posters here have handeled your boyfriend ith kid gloves. I think he very twisted and sick and sounds like he could be dangerous. Why do you let someone treat you like human garbage? sorry, but I had to say it.
It is nice if you enjoy the behaviour posed by your bf. But it seems little inhuman if pains goes beyond a limit. I also presume that this type of toys may lead you for orgasm before real p-v game, and sex thereafter gives a long way to gents. It is my experience that when my partners goes drained, I take pretty long time to reach the org. This may be another aim to foreplay with toys with you, thereafter your bf lands on the heaven that is a sticky work platform. His job become easier which othewise may not as easy . Slowly break the dominance and try the reverse with him, may not be toy, may be hand job. We take it your plesant experience but it is not a normal practice.
if you've gone along with it this far, i dont see why the questions now. you must welcome it and accept it
I have recently (over the past year) been getting more and more into S&M and finding my place, personally I can't do the 100% submissive thing as I do like to have some control but I also like to change things up. I personally do not feel comfortable having a guy verbally degrade me nor would I feel comfortable doing it to him.
I completely understand your concern about the psychological piece, I am a psych major and have been working with mentally ill people as well as homeless people for the past 8yrs so I have see a lot. I believe that it is a good thing that you're being cautious about not getting into another abusive relationship. It may very well be a good sign that your partner is not being as aggressive. Yes, men can get aroused by being dominant so don't some women.
Enjoy yourself!
I completely understand your concern about the psychological piece, I am a psych major and have been working with mentally ill people as well as homeless people for the past 8yrs so I have see a lot. I believe that it is a good thing that you're being cautious about not getting into another abusive relationship. It may very well be a good sign that your partner is not being as aggressive. Yes, men can get aroused by being dominant so don't some women.
Enjoy yourself!
Submissive/dominance is not the same as s/m. it's totally different, and again, if you talk to people about this who are just average, (and not as insightful as here on this forum) you may regret that you did.
It is not psychologically unhealthy, and there are strict rules.
I have tried it and it turned me on more than anything 'equal'.
yet, this should be limited to sex, and not be a thing where the partner dominates you all day long.
It is not psychologically unhealthy, and there are strict rules.
I have tried it and it turned me on more than anything 'equal'.
yet, this should be limited to sex, and not be a thing where the partner dominates you all day long.
yes, i do read books and whatnot and ive been looking into it a lot. part of that is asking other people, and if there is a forum for it, why not? maybe other people have insight? i am submissive by nature; i'm very affectionate and soft spoken, and very loving. to me, it seems like men who don't trust women as much want to dominate them. i don't have a problem with this, and i enjoy it. if i'm uncomfortable he always stops, and i actually do find it kind of nice and he is very gentle in general, but the desire for dominance and control seems like. really, though, i'm just kind of wondering the psychology of this kind of relationship. i like it, and it seems like, as he and i become closer, he doesn't want this as much..he more wants to "make love." i think that, as he really starts to trust me... so i don't know, i don't think s&m is bad at all, but i was simply wondering if it's unhealthy in terms of psychology, because i am not the best person with relationships, and my enjoyment of this might mean something about who he is as well as who i am. i'm not really degraded-it's almost like roleplay. i had one ex who was very, very bad; definitely emotionally and sexually abusive and rape. this isn't like that at all, but i sometimes worry because of that ex, who also happened to be who i lost my virginity to. so i had this fear that all men are like that; or that any show of dominance might indicate that this guy is going to become brutal and cruel like my first boyfriend. i didn't want to be in relationships for a long time, i became very apathetic about sex and love, and i thought i couldn't be in a relationship. so now i just want to know what is okay. and i'm one of those people who really analyze the psychology of everything that happens, and i find this interesting. actually this guy-- i don't think he's trying to inflict pain, actually. i think he's trying to give little bits of pain to heighten senses, and i found that...he actually is most concerned with giving me pleasure. but he wants to be in control of it. and then there are times that he wants, like most guys i've been with, to do things like tell him i'm a **** and whatnot. so, you know, it's hard to gauge, but i know my limits... and i'm concerned that i like the control i have in this situation too. because the submissive one has a lot of control, actually. i just don't want to be doing anything bad to myself and others, because i actually do love this man and i want to learn to trust and blahblah. but who knows. thanks.
i have to agree with both kat and curley....don't get me wrong, pregnant or not, i like the occassional, bend me spank me pull my hair....and the dirty talk, but degrading? this seems like it is already about control....my DF does NOT tie me down, he holds my hands over my head, or sometimes when he is on top, will "hold on" to my upper arms.....with my exhusband, we'd get a little rougher, but just b/c of my own b*tchy personality, i didnt have to worry about safe words lol,1 look @ my face told him to back off.....also, it's awesome if you are BOTH getting enjoyment out of this....but it seems that you are willing to please him loooong before he pleases you, and then it seems you literally have to beg.....i don't know how s&m works exactly, but i have had 1 bf between Xhub and df who was into it.....but, with him, it was more, he wanted me to bite on him, or create some type of pain during sex for him.....but nothing like you'r speaking of...also, i was always afraid i'd truely hurt him(my DF has scars on his back from a night almost 3 years ago!!!).....i think maybe you should educate yourself some more on this, and see if he is following s&m "rules"(yes strangely, there are rules), and see if this is something he is into, or if he is making it up as he goes.....from what i've been told by that old bf, s&m has stages, and it escalates.....and someone "untrained" can cause extreme pain and sometimes death, esp if no boundaries are set, or they have no idea the pain they are inflicting, and how to control their own "need" to inflict pain, or how much they themselves can tolerate.....
i hope everything works out for the best.....again, talk to him, as well as educate yourself outside the relationship(internet, books, not other people lol).....
i hope everything works out for the best.....again, talk to him, as well as educate yourself outside the relationship(internet, books, not other people lol).....
It's not a problem if you like being submissive, but your need and enjoyment should really be equal to his.
You don't say anything about this sexual relationship
really being an agreement between you both, but only that he loves it and that you don't mind. I am surprised you feel somewhat indifferent and would expect you to either like it or not.
I myself would have a little problem with the degrading part, but I do understand the pleasures of being submissive. You must feel safe, and you must be able to trust him fully, and this should not be a setup outside of the bedroom, I mean his dominating you.
Otherwise, many, many people would tell you nit's sick and bad, but I do not agree and so do many people who are more familiar with the rules as well as the experience. Sometimes, having no control can really work free yourself sexually, and another thing is, that the person without control actually has quite a bit of control, but it must be something you are into, otherwise it may rub off negatively with later, and normal relationships.
For whatever it's worth, kat
You don't say anything about this sexual relationship
really being an agreement between you both, but only that he loves it and that you don't mind. I am surprised you feel somewhat indifferent and would expect you to either like it or not.
I myself would have a little problem with the degrading part, but I do understand the pleasures of being submissive. You must feel safe, and you must be able to trust him fully, and this should not be a setup outside of the bedroom, I mean his dominating you.
Otherwise, many, many people would tell you nit's sick and bad, but I do not agree and so do many people who are more familiar with the rules as well as the experience. Sometimes, having no control can really work free yourself sexually, and another thing is, that the person without control actually has quite a bit of control, but it must be something you are into, otherwise it may rub off negatively with later, and normal relationships.
For whatever it's worth, kat
I'm surprised you've never heard this saying:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
So tie me up and throw me down,
and show me that you like me."
Ha ha ha. If you don't like being degraded that much, just tell him to ease up. Sometimes maledom is the only thing that can excite a man. Just be careful. A lot of serial rapists began their "careers" by dominating the women they were in relationships with. When his girlfriend or partner was fed up with being dominated so much, he would force them. If you feel like he's forcing you, tell him to back off. Create a safe word if you feel it might get out of control easy.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
So tie me up and throw me down,
and show me that you like me."
Ha ha ha. If you don't like being degraded that much, just tell him to ease up. Sometimes maledom is the only thing that can excite a man. Just be careful. A lot of serial rapists began their "careers" by dominating the women they were in relationships with. When his girlfriend or partner was fed up with being dominated so much, he would force them. If you feel like he's forcing you, tell him to back off. Create a safe word if you feel it might get out of control easy.
so i wasn't clear. he ties me up with rope and handcuffs and uses vibrators and things on me until i scream from pain or whatever because it's usually a strong vibrator, and then has sex with me, although sometimes he doesn't want to have sex, and wants to make me wait. that's all; i just wonder if S&M and discipline/bondage is considered psychologically strange, and if it has some violent undertones that are bad for a long term relationship.
No, we also have sex. but he just really likes this dominance and for me to feel pain and be degraded, and i don't really mind. he uses toys on me and such; and he likes me to feel a little bit of pain or discomfort. i don't mind it but i don't know if it's unhealthy or what turns him on this way. he also likes to spank me, etc. but he just likes to be dominant and in control; he's very large and stong and it can be painful and intimidating but i don't mind, i just wonder if he's weird.
Your problem do not explain what is the resion to do this. Is he afraid from pregnency
or it is his way of enjoyment. You can ask to use condom or you yourself can take pills, if it is so. you may resist and ask for desired foreplay and p-v sex. Once he came forward with changed mode, he himself will prefer that. You can ask if I play with toys then what is need of yours. You can make him more curious to show your things bare but not allow to touch unless he agree to do something worth.
or it is his way of enjoyment. You can ask to use condom or you yourself can take pills, if it is so. you may resist and ask for desired foreplay and p-v sex. Once he came forward with changed mode, he himself will prefer that. You can ask if I play with toys then what is need of yours. You can make him more curious to show your things bare but not allow to touch unless he agree to do something worth.
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