Sex curiosity on my 7 year old

[Shalimar55]

I am so upset and do not know how to handle this situation. About 2 years ago I told my now 7 years old daughter that I might let her spend the night at my sister's house. She told me that her cousin who is 2 1/2 years older told her that next time she had a sleep over they will "SEX". I asked my daughter what she meant by that and she said, "well you take a pillow or a doll, you put it here (genital area) and you go like this (hump it)". I then sat with my daughter and explained that sex is a natural thing among human beings and that it is not wrong. However, only adults practice it because our bodies are prepared to handle it when we are bigger. It is not for children. I told her that if she had a sexual curiosity or question to please talk to me about it and will help her understand. Then about a year later, I was told by an afterschool counselor that another parent complained that my then 6 year old had given her daughter an inappropriate note that said "I saw a boy and a girl having sex". I was soooo embarrassed! Well I talked to my daughter about it. She said she made that up. I had a talk with her again. I was very good about not making a big fuss. Well, this past Friday I was sick in bed and she did not want to go with Gradma because she wanted to make sure she was here to take care of me, she said. So, she stayed in the living room watching Netflix (she's been told many times she can only watch the kids side) while I was in my bedroom not able to get out of bed with a bug in my body. Saturday evening I was feeling better and I decided to watch a movie on that site, and came across the "recently watched movies". My heart dropped when I saw three movie titles that were very explicit. I called her dad and he said he has not watched those movies. I called my daughter into my bedroom and asked her if she was watching those movies and she said no. She is very clever, and told me that she did not even watch that site in my bedroom. I told her that I could see from my room what ever she watched in the living room. I right away talked to a friend and her boyfriend that had been at my house that same week and where watching movies and they said no, they only watched a movie that they had recommended I watch. So, I logged in to my account to see what information I could find to solve the mystery. There I found the link "recent activity". I then realized that the movies were viewed while I was sick in bed that Friday. Two of them where watched half way and the other one completely. I called my daughter again and confronted her. I told her the only ones in the house at that time were us two and she was the only one watching the site. I asked her not to lie to me, that she would not be in trouble. She smiled, covered her mouth with the blanket and said she watched the movies. I told her it was not a joke, she said she was sorry and continued smiling. She seem to react that way when she gets nervous and thinks she is in trouble. I reacted by spanking her arm and told her again I was not joking around. She cried and told me she thought I said she will not be in trouble. I said yes, but you are being disrespectful by smiling when I am trying to talk about something serious and I had warned you.

I told her we had this conversation before and I had also told her to stay on the kids section on this site. I told her did not trust her because she was lying to me as well. I turned off the TV, told her to go to bed and that she was banned from TV for a while. I strongly believe that I handled this totally wrong. I do not know what to do. How do I fix this? I think she has a strong sexual curiosity and I have to be careful since she has a very euphoric, spontaneous and sassy personality. She is a loving little girl and I do not want to by any means give her a feeling of guilt, shame or that she is dirty. I am so confused and do not want to damage her with my wrong reactions. But I think she has seen to much. What do I do? Thank you.

[jemma116]

Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts
Amazon Price: $3.20
List Price: $6.99

Where Did I Come From?
Amazon Price: $4.96
List Price: $9.95

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library)
Amazon Price: $4.48
List Price: $12.99

What's the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys
Amazon Price: $2.70
List Price: $7.00
This Sex Ed book is for kids aged 4 - 8 but is probably best suited for the 7 and 8 year olds. It covers the differences between boys and girls, the names of their body parts, where babies come from, and more. Reviewers suggest using it as bridge between preschool knowledge and middle school knowledge, given that it's too much for the little ones and too little for the elder group.

It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library)
Amazon Price: $5.60
List Price: $11.99

If you type in the search bar:  isabellasnow childrens books
you will get information and details of 7 books that are suitable and there is a short description of what the book is about.

You may find some of these at the library.

Best wishes.

[Shalimar55]

I strongly agree with you on your point of view. These are red flags that I can't ignore and I have to take all measures to make sure she gets the right information about sex education. I appreciate the book names when you have them handy. I tried the library but they seem to only have books for the parent; not the child. I make sure that my kids do not have sleep overs anywhere. I am open to let their friends have sleep overs once in a while, since it's under my supervision and my sleeping arrangements. Thank you so much for your interest. Thanks to you too Jemma.

[jemma116]

I think that you are doing well and it is a very good idea with you not allowing your children to see their cousin unsupervised.

Keep the discipline as you see fit in bringing up your daughters.  And enjoy them and have fun with them so that you and they will have wonderful memories when they are older.  They grow up so quickly.  Mine are 39 and 33 now - I don't know where the years have gone to!  I am a grandmother and I love my grandkids and they liven me up and are such a pleasure to have around - they do need a lot of discipline too.  

I remember as a child my parents did not teach me or my siblings about the "birds and the bees".  I learned it at the age of 11 at school which was Roman Catholic.  The girls were given a little book written about a nun and I remember I was absolutely petrified about touching my private parts even to wash, because in the book it said that it was a real big sin to touch the private parts.  

You can imagine how I grew up with that and was very uncomfortable about having sex with my husband.  It has taken me years to relax about and enjoy sex with my husband.

I think it is a lot different these days and it certainly was when my kids went to school.  I don't know what age they get taught sex education at school.  

Out of curiosity I have just asked my 8 year old grandson does he get taught sex education at school and he answered "No".  I asked him, does he know what sex education is and he answered "No, and I don't want to know".  My husband I laughed.

Don't worry about your sister.  Let her get on with her thing and you get on with yours.  As you get older you are likely to drift farther apart.  I have had nothing to do with mine for a few years and it so much better with them with all the sibling rivalry that used to go on - and we are all over the age of 50!  Some people never seem to grown up.

Have fun.

Best wishes.

[Elschmer]

I'm going to take a different tact here but one I cant ignore. I agree with an above poster that sexual curiosity is normal in children but can also be a big red flag especially with younger ones in regards to what they have been exposed to. Some kids can have a minimal curiosity in sex but developmentally one described as "strong sexual curiosity' tends to be beyond the age of six/seven. Usually the only sexual behaviour they are interested in is how different parts of their own body feels. There is a very distinct divide between the sexual self at that age and the involvement of others. The vast majority of six and seven year olds behave in a similar fashion to what Blu described of hers and would rather avoid the subject at all costs. The occasional comment is to be expected but if occurring frequently is another reason for caution. If I had a mother inform me of the above behaviours, as a mandated reporter I would feel I had no option other than to it follow up. I definitely agree with the above poster it's wise to ensure your daughter has supervised contact with her cousin.
Again referring back to Blu's reply, her suggestion of giving your daughter age appropriate books is a great one and I'm glad you are trying this. I have a list of such books at work and will post them when I can if you would like a few suggestions to choose what you prefer from.
This was how I got maybe half of my sex education as I too was extremely resistant to talking with my parents about the subject. I now work within the women's sexual health field so they certainly helped inform me and shape my views. My parents never gave them to me but rather placed them around the house in easy to find places thinking I'd be more likely to read them if I didn't relate the books directly to them. I would read them clandestinely not knowing my folks had designed it that way.
Most importantly they didn't get books that tip toed around the issue. Especially once I was over 10 the books were fact based and discussed not only sex itself but things like contraception, STI's, puberty, abortion and rape. Admittedly some of the topics were full on but it taught me from a very young age that I had autonomy over my body. The easier to read books for younger kids helped teach me correct terminology and physiology before I had a chance to get all the misinformation from the schoolyard. I haven't yet had a negative from reading such books.
Before I stop babbling on I just have to say there is no real wrong or right way to discuss this issue with your kids. Statistics prove that children who receive appropriate sex education are less likely to encounter many of the related problems.

[Shalimar55]

My daughters are not allowed to spend the night any longer at my sister's house. They play and spend time together only when I am around. They usually come to my house to visit but it is not often. Unfortunately, my sister and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to raising our children. We have very different styles. Thank you so much for your time!!

[jemma116]

Sorry, my mistake.  My brain did not register the "er" after old when reading your post.  You did write it correctly.  

I think it is a great thing for you to limit TV watching.  When my grandchildren come and they are 2, 5, 7 and 8 and they get the TV on watching the children's programmes, I switch it off.  This then allows them to do and think of doing things. Playing games, playing on my keyboard (computer and musical :)), baking, painting, making things out of cardboard, playing outside, dancing and so on.  

To begin with I didn't like to switch the TV off when they were watching something that they were so engrossed with, but when they continue watching TV and won't do as you ask them, like to come and eat in the dining room or go up to get ready for bed and they answer by saying "I'm watching this", I go up to the TV and just switch it off.  

In the evening when some of them stay overnight, I will give them prior notice by saying that the TV will be off in x amount of minutes.  

There no point in beating yourself up.  No one is perfect and we all learn by our own mistakes.  Some children will do what the parents say and others are very adventurous and try things out or sometimes see what they can get away with.  

As you have two children, you will have noticed that they are different.

Is your daughter still having any contact with your niece?  If so, she still may be influencing your daughter.

Best wishes.

[Shalimar55]

Thank you all for the great support and advise. Jemma, what I meant was that my sister's daughter is 2 1/2 years older than my daughter. My niece was near 8 years old and my daughter 5 when she told me the doll and pillow story. I did banned television for today since she disobeyed my rules and for lying to me. Also, as a consequence both my daughters tv time will be very limited on a daily basis; thing I should have done a long time ago. That way they will do more reading which they are both very good at and use their mind and imagination on something more productive and appropriate for the age.

With this experience I was forced to go online, log into my Netflix account and see the options available to me like parenting control. I was not familiar with these options. I did not even know I could see recent activity on a daily basis. I did set up the parenting control this time. I beat my self for not taking this action before. I took Blu's advise and went to the library to find a book appropriate for her age on that topic. I was not successful find it one; but I will do a little research and go again to the library or the book store to get a couple of books for her on the topic and Peter and the Wolf kind of story.

Thank you both so much for taking the time to share your ideas and advise. I appreciate it. It helped me take action, decide to keep a closer look at what they can be exposed to, not make a big scene and move on.

[jemma116]

It is very hard to know how much information we should give and allow our child to be exposed to at different ages of their development.

I do agree that watching the explicit TV films is definitely out of the question at the age of 7 and until becoming a young adult.  Can you put a block on receiving these channels?  So your daughter cannot gain access to them.  I have grandchildren the same age, and it amazes me how they know how to work the TV and change channels.  They seem to pick these up much quicker then we adults.

I have shown my grandchildren medical books showing the anatomy of the male and female, only to the ones that show an interest.  As there are brothers and sisters and they have seen me naked, they are aware that boys and girls are different.

I feel the way Blu tacked it was a brilliant idea.

It is a good idea not to make a too big an issue out of it.  As your daughter has seen these films, you have told her about it and for lying to you.  Don't bring it up again.  I think the worst thing is the lying.  Obviously, she knew that it was wrong to watch the channel because you had already told her what channel to watch and she didn't want to upset you or get punished for doing something that she was told not to do.  She is just a very curious child.

I can't understand about the 2 and half year old saying things about the doll and pillow though.  He/she is either exposed to things that he/she shouldn't be, or your daughter is not being truthful.  As the matter has been already discussed with her, do not go over it again.

If you do find her lying to you again, explain to her what can happen when telling lies too many times can result in - her not being believed or trusted when things would be serious and would matter.  The good story as regards that moral is Peter and the Wolf.  Peter who cried "Wolf" too many times and when there was a really a wolf getting at the sheep, the villagers did not belief him.  It is a very old story and you may find one or a modern version of it at the library or book store.

You will need to explain things to her about her own body, because it is not unknown for young girls aged 8 to start menstruating.  I do not know at what age they get taught about the "birds and the bees" at school?

Best of luck and good wishes.

[jemma116]

Oh, you are so funny Blu.  I know this is a very serious issue, but I can just imagine your kids covering their ears and doing the "lala" thing.

The things with kids, they are embarrassed to talk with people they know about these things.  It was a brilliant idea you getting the books for their age.

[BluCrystal]

I had the same problem with my own kids.  Yes, your daughter is curious about sex and romantic behaviors, which is normal... AND she will resort to lying if she is afraid to ask you, or is embarrassed to ask you.  She is NOT too young for the 'birds and bees' talk.  You don't have to go into any details, just use generalities.  This may give her the courage to ask you questions.  My kids both flat-out refused to speak to me about it AT ALL.  When I tried to talk to them about it they would put their fingers in their ears and say 'lalalalalala...'!!  Boy, they were ornery.  So i went to the book store and purchased books about sex, geared for children.  I put these on their beds with a note that they didn't have to talk to anyone about it and that the books were theirs to keep and read when they wanted to.  I even added that they could hide the books if they wanted to (thinking of friends visiting and the books not being hidden, eeekkk).  This seemed to settle it for awhile, until we got to puberty.  Again, I felt the need to have 'the talk', and again they both nearly ran away from me saying 'NO!  I don't want to talk about that!!!'  Alright.  I did the book thing again, gearing the books for teenagers, that went into more depth about things like birth control and std's, as well as appropriate mature sex.  Haven't had a problem since. :-)  Blessings - Blu