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1238036 tn?1457315447

The way I view sex

Do people really recover from sexual abuse.  The abuse I suffered initially caused me to become anorexic cos I thought at the time that it would remove the vulgar curves, and I wanted to become unattractively thin.  I then progressed on to suffering Bulimia, which went on for years even after the abuse had stopped.
I've recovered from the Bulimia.  I no longer see a woman's body as vulgar, but my body is vulgar right now.  I need to tone up, cos I feel flabby and fat.  I am back with my partner of 16 years, and although he is very patient; at some point I'm gonna have to have sex.
I have to have perfectly fitted, sexy underwear fitting my body perfectly - meaning no 'over layer' of flab or skin anywhere, a smooth knicker and bra line.  I must be shaved.  My hair and make up must be spot on too.  The way I look is of top importance.  Then the sex itself.  I have to pleasure and satisfy him.  I have to make sure that I show him that I am really enjoying it.  I have to behave like they do in the porn video's.
Right now, I know I need to get and do some swimming with some urgent toning results required.
I see bigger women than myself, with more body creases and that, and I wonder how the hell they manage sex.
So what is wrong with  me guys?  I feel the need for reassurance and clarification. I think they way I look at sex is all wrong - Is this because of my past abuse?  How do I recover?  Thank you Beanie0
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
We can send each other private messages here at Medhelp. It can be better when you have a lot to say instead of trying to make a very long comment on a post.
I got your friend invite. Thank you. Check your page and it will say if you have a message or not. It will be at the top of your page under messages. Or, under my Medhelp. You will have a 1 or 2, however many private messages or notes you may have.
Helpful - 0
1238036 tn?1457315447
Thank you for your reply back.  I would appreciate your help.  I am not sure what you mean by sending me a private message - could you clarify?  Beanie0
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
I know alot about BPD because my daughter has it. Are you getting DBT?
Maybe you should think about counseling by yourself the first few times. Then, you can take your boyfriend. It sounds like you really care about him and if you want this relationship to work there has to be honesty. Whatever happened in the past is in the past and your boyfriend will have to understand this. I really think he will if the two of you get in to counseling together.
I do understand your feelings, as much as I can. Anyone that has been sexually abused is not going to come out of it unscathed.
I have much to say so if you don't mind I'll send you a private message. Is that alright?
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1238036 tn?1457315447
The thought of hearing my voice out loud about such a confused view on sex would frighten the life out of me.  The counseling would need to be really structured.  I would probably get fact mixed with fiction, because the memories; especially on particular occasions of abuse are somewhat blurred.
I expect Mark would come with me - I wouldn't want him to hear how fake I have been with him at times.  I also wouldn't want him to know about my destructive unfaithful behavior.
Oh dear!  It's all too much :-(  I think the biggest step I've made so far, after a few years with Medhelp, is finally managing to venture onto the Sexual Health Forum.
I am diagnosed with B.P.D. which can be helped via D.B.T. or C.B.T. Therapy - which is great!  Unfortunately this sexual issue I have is not so structurally solved.
I appreciate your reply, to squeeze you further though - Are their any other options towards changing the way I view sex?
Thank you :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
You feel the way you do because of the abuse. It's not uncommon for people to develop eating disorders after sexual abuse. It's a way of having the control back that was taken away from them. I think people want to also make themselves unattractive at times so no one will hurt them again.
How wonderful that you're back with your boyfriend. I would recommend counseling before the two of you start to have a sexual relationship again though. It sounds like you only want to please him and not yourself. That's not how a loving sexual relationship is supposed to work. You should both enjoy it and it does'nt matter what size you are and what you're wearing. I know you feel differently because of the abuse.
Would your boyfriend consider going to counseling with you?  
Helpful - 0
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