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Avatar universal

Torn and tormented

I would really appreciate people's genuine insight about what the best thing is to do. I went through a very dark time in my life. It had a lot of complex underpinnings, above all a really unhappy childhood, adolescence and young adulthood that resulted from spretty significant rejection and isolation I faced becauseof a physical deformity I was born with . At heart I am a really decent person with a social conscience but I behaved badly during my late 20s. I engaged in very reckless and irresponsible sex with many partners. I drank heavily. I was a very unhealthy and unhappy person.

Three years ago, when I was 29, I slept with a 16 year old female. Before I go further please understand: I live in canada and the legal age of consent here was 14 and is now 16. I am not proud of what I did; I am disgusted today. It was though totally consensual; even at that dark time never would I force anyone to do anything against their will. That makes me sick. At that time I did not know I was infected with HPV - the human papilloma virus that causes warts and can cause cervical cancer (as well as penile, anal and vulvar cancer). A few months later I was diagnosed with genital warts. I now know that at the time I slept with this girl I was infected - I had a bump on my penis that I had originally thought was just a beign pearly papule that I have always had but I am sure today it was a small wart.

There are many types of HPV. The types that cause warts, depending on the literature source you read either rarely or never cause cancer. However, a person can never know for sure what types they are carrying. It is estimated that more than 85% of sexually active adults will get an HPV infection at some time in their lives and most will clear it with no problems or without ever knowing they had it. HPV is so common it is almost as normal as the commonc old. problem is, in a small minority of cases, some people can get very hurt.

It is now 3 years later. I have totally turned my life around. I work in healthcare and have a job that I deeply love and am able to give back to society's more marginalised people. I am in the first relationship of my life with a wonderful partner that loves me deeply. I have overcome my past and am so much a healthier person today. I have gone for extensive counselling.

I have profound regrets about the past however. I am OCD-  this is very true. I obsess a great deal. ALthough on that occasion with the 16 year old I didn't know I was HPV infected, later on I did know and yet continued to sleep around for a time. I am deeply ashamed of how I behaved and there are no excuses. As part of my recovery I contacted many people from my past (whereever realsistcally possible) and told them about my status and to make sure to get annual pap smears (which will keep them totally safe). Most people were very gracious and even thankful to my surprise.

I panic about this 16 year old though, today she would be 19. I tried to contact her through a mutual old contact but she (the contact) made clear she didn't want to have anything to do with it. I tried to contact her on facebook but I have only a first name. I obsess and obsess over it and feel like I am evil and a coward (I really and truly do feel this way). The only other thing I can think of is a doctor I once worked with who I think the 16 year old said she had seen once - he is a renal/kidney specialist. I have thought about calling him up and seeing if he might be able to track her. I have only a first name but since he usually sees persons >18 and she was <18 at the time, I thought he might know. I am nervous to do that though. It would involve opening. up a whole can of worms, telling the doctor my whole story, would put him in an awkward spot. But my mind torments me: jsut what if I gave her a cancer-causing form of the virus (the virus I had again is very unlikely to do this if not outright would not as it caused warts but I may carry other forms I would have no way of knowing about), just what if she doesn't go for pap smears, what right do I have NOT to tell her this. My mind torments me: she needs to find otu immediately and I have to take every last measure to ensure this or I am a coward and am acting, frankly, reprehensibly.

My partner and counsellors have argued firmly against this. they have said this is brutal obsession. My partner in particular has said 1) chances are very high that she already had HPV herself as she had been sexually active before me and that if not from me, she will, like the grand majority of sexually active people get it before she is 25 2) chances are very high she goes for paps 3) I am doing more harm than good by continuing on like this not just to me but to others - I am not concentrating enough on my job and my relationship, the 16 year old probably has no desire to hear from me and all I would do is scare her with no benefit since she is probably doing exactly what she is supposed to and can't do anything else to prevent HPV infection.

I am really torn. I would really appreciate people's honest insight.
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492652 tn?1252945408
I know it's extremely difficult, but I would try not to obsess over this anymore.  If the girl you slept with is getting yearly PAP smears, she will be able to catch any cervical cell changes early on before it becomes a real problem.  Chances are, she will be okay.  Usually women who have abnormal PAPs will clear the virus in time and the cervical cells will go back to normal.  Also, why do you feel this is totally your responsibility?  It is her responsibility to get yearly gyn exams and be in charge of her sexual health.  It's one thing if you could still get in touch with her, but since you can't, I wouldn't keep worrying.
Good luck,
Em
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Avatar universal
thanks for your kind response. On one level I do know this but yet I basically feel like I am just a coward and putting a life at risk (which is evil) if I don't contact this doctor and that I am not doing it (contacting him) because I was once his student and am just nervous about the can of worms I might be opening up (what would he think of me having slept with a 16 year old for starters. I wouldn't possibly be able to explain the whole complex story to him and I may well just end up doing a lot more destruction for me and others than any good). On the other hand, I also think he would think I am crazy just talking to him about this and asking him to try to find this girl.  I am just driving myself crazy with all this. All I really want to do is the right thing and just have peace. I am a genuinely good person who once behaved badly at the low point in my life. And my partner is right, other areas are now starting to suffer as a result. She is also right that I will almost surely, even if I did call him and somehow it all worked out and we got in touch with her, just quickly find another obsession to torment myself with
Helpful - 0
152852 tn?1205713426
Oops...I meant to delete the last paragraph.  I originally wrote it and then re-thought it because of your OCD.  So scratch that last paragraph.  Even if you were to see her in person and tell her, you'll still continue to obsess over it--you'll wonder if she took it seriously and is really being tested, etc..

Listen to your counselors.
Helpful - 0
152852 tn?1205713426
I don't see the point in seeking to get the information to her.  If you write her a letter and ask the mutual friend to give it to her and she agrees, you'll obsess about whether or not she actually gave her the letter.  If you talk to the doctor and he says he'll contact her, you'll obsess about whether or not he actually followed through.  If you find her name and address via a private investigator, you'll obsess about whether or not she received the letter (if her boyfriend or mother intercepted the letter or if the letter was lost in the mail, etc.).

If you did not have OCD and genuinely wanted to just let her know as a courtesy and could look up her address and mail her a letter and let it go, then I'd say "Go for it!", but you know that's not what will happen.

I think you should listen to your therapist and partner.

Could you contact the doctor--tell him that you have important medical information that you would like to get to a one-time patient of his.  If he says he can help, tell him that you want to make sure she is tested regularly for HPV since you found out you likely had it when you were with her.  Ask him what you should do about it.  You could simply write, "Please get tested for HPV on a regular basis--I was with someone who had cervical cancer before you and later discovered that I had HPV when we were together."  You don't even have to sign it.  However, you do need to be confident that the doctor will give her the letter, or you'll likely just obsess over that.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
one other thing i should add: I called the public health unit to ask if they could trace it. They basically said no and to forget about it.

I now live in a different city, far away from her and have no other way to contact her save the one possibility above.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
actually, now that I think about it, I have been exposed to a higher risk HPV too (before I slept with the 16 year old). I remember one old partner telling me she was currently being treated for cervical cancer.

I am just driving myself crazy with all of this. I really don't know what to do. And I do know that as is so common, even if I did call that doctor, one obsession would quickly replace another and I'd just start worrying about something else. And so I just don't know what is right here: let this go and move on or do everything I possibly can to find this girl, today 19.
Helpful - 0
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