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Wife has lost - wants a divorce

My wife and I are in our 50's.  We each had previous marriages and have been together 4 years marrying 2 years ago. My wife and I are best friends and I love her very much. For the past 6 months she has had no interest in sex.  She says that she could easily go without sex the rest of her life. Up to six months ago she was a very sexual woman.  She complains that her body has changed and hates the way she looks.  But, she is absolutely beautiful. She has a beautiful shape for a woman in her 50's -- my friends always drool around her. We have both put weight on since we married -- her 15 lbs, me 25 lbs (we have begun working out).  We had a blow-up the other day and she told me wanted a divorce.  She blamed it on my desire for sex with her and that she is walking on pins and needles around me. The sex is not always about me in that I am a giving lover (her words) but I need the physical contact to connect.  She travels half the month and is usually of of the country so when she is home I have a desire to be with her.  I don't believe she is having an affair and she has since apologized and said she was frustrated when she said she wanted a divorce. But, I am hurting beyond belief.  I love her deeply!!! She thinks I will eventually cheat on her if she doesn't have sex with me.  I would not do that but do not want to have a sexless marriage.  She is on hormones and has been since a hysterectomy over 10 years ago. I don't know what to do. I want my wife back -- I want us back! I fear she meant what she said the other day and really wants a divorce.  She says she loves me very much and I believe her.  I am at a loss. Please help.
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139792 tn?1498585650
COMMUNITY LEADER
I doubt whether the above members are still members of MH. It is good that you unearthed the old messages. Such problems are universal and fresh thinking on old problem may become a solution for the new members.I hope more discussion on such issuers will be done right unrest.
Helpful - 0
5974753 tn?1379615627
I am new to this site and been reading old threads. Very interesting.
Anyhow to you lilmsd that you write in 2009 on Golldie's original post that your husband's ex wife came back into the picture as you were the other woman when you met him and sounds like he was going thru a midlife crisis but now you have changed your story that he was sleeping with all these other women and had no sex drive for you. So which version is true?
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1224321 tn?1272639522
You should ask your wife to get reevaluated on her meds for hormonal imbalance.  If weight is fluctuating it can have a dramatic effect on her meds.  And if there being taken for hormones its a good chance she doesn't have a sex drive because of that.  And not feeling comfortable in her body as well can be a turn off.  Compliment her (which I am sure you do) And cherish her and make her truly feel it isn't just about sex but about the woman you love.  And don't ask for sex or make comments about it, sit with her drinking coffee and talk to her about anything under the sun but never about sex (don't sound desperate, thats a turn off.) or try and bring back the passion that was there when you first met.  (Not to say its gone, but liven it up some)  I think once those feelings of passion and that honeymoon stage she'll have that drive again.  I have been with my BF for 5years and we have a 2 year old and for a while after he was born and me having a new body to come accustom to it was hard for me to even feel remotely sexy with or with out clothes.  I would hide my body in front of him.  But now I am finding new ways to learn to like me now.  People change over time and its not a bad thing but a long term relationship is all about reinventing the spark and instead of saying you know who she is all the time always find new things to learn about her.  Give it time and love her unconditionally like I know you do and things will change i'm sure.    Just remember if sex is all she feels you want from her, she'll only push further.  So don't make it about sex.  Your truly an awesome man, I know my BF loves me to pieces, I hope its the way you love your wife.  Good Luck.
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1149921 tn?1297559913
Hi Adam,
   You are so sweet, How could anyone want to divorce you.  You have made some very valid points in your post.  I must say that I clearly understand what you are going through.  Im 36 years old and single.  I got married at a very early age (23) to be exact, to a man 23 years my senior.  My parents hated the idea, but dealt with it.  My husband and I were both military at the time of our marriage, which meant that we would possibly be deployed seperately most of  our tour of duty.  So when we had time to spend together, he usually wanted to see his boys.  So this meant that id end up spending most of the time to be spent with him alone at home.  When his friends were spending time with their significant others or wives, hed have no other excuse, but to spend time with me.  Like you, I love and desire to be with my husband very much, but he seemed to always have trouble sleeping with me.  He said that either he was too busy with unit issues, or just too tired, and that he felt maybe he had a bad case of a lowered sex drive, and might need to have it evaluated by our physician.  I didn't believe him, but dared to ever confront him.  
   As time went on, I started feeling as though the prob may be with me.   I am not fat or even medium, as a matter of fact I am 5'7 and now 120 lbs, 8 lbs lighter than i was at the time of our marriage.  So with all this being said,  I then resorted to role playing.  Sometimes I would dress up as little red riding hood, or some other women to please him, being that i felt I couldn't obtain this by just being me. After doing so he would tell me that he just couldn't make love to me as being another women.  I was helpless at this point.  God works in mysterious ways.  One evening when he had decided for the 1000th time to hang out with his boys, I told him to go ahead.  I was exausted with trying to please him, but instead of cheating, I found other means of entertainment, if you know what I mean.  I had decided to just hang around the house eating junk food and watching movies.  My husband was big into making home videos and photography in his spare time when he wasn't at the unit or hanging with the boys.  So i thought.  I decided that I was going to watch one of his famous home videos while he was away.  To my amazement, it was a video alright!!!! I saw him having sex in our home with alittle under half the females in our unit.  This was soon followed by a divorce.  Im not saying that this will happen to you, and by all means not saying that your wife maybe cheating on you.  Im sure that she isn't.  You mentioned that she has some physical self-esteem issues, in conjunction with hormonal problems due to hysterectomy.  This could be why she doesn't desire sex as much.  Maybe you both should look into whether or not she may need some type of therapy to help with her sexdrive.  My step mother had a hysterectomy and it was just the opposite.  My dad appeared always to be worn out.  Smiles.  I hope that things get better between you and your wife,because men like you are so hard to find.  It seems now-a-days its everyone for themselves, and that noone gives a flip about who ges hurt.    My grandmom always use to say that if a man and a women don't come together after seven days this may allow for satan to cause chaios in the bedroom.  This is a very try statement.  If she loves you like she says then she won't leave you alone for too long I'm hoping.  Best of wishes to you.
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