Younger bf has ED and I'm frustrated too

[rikki_rabbit]

Hi. I am 49 and my bf is 39. We got together about a year ago and I never had sex as hot as I have had with him...truly mind-blowing. But in the past few months he's having erectile dysfunction, not once in a while, but pretty regularly. I am not taking it personally. I've read a lot about it and I think I know how to be supportive to him, but to be honest, I don't know what to do about my own frustration. Sex has been a huge part of our relationship, which is something in between a serious relationship and a friends with benefits thing, but I also really care about him, love just snuggling with him and hanging out. At the same time, a girl has needs, ya know? So I'm not sure how to ask for things to help me out when I know he's already stressed out about not being able to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy me. I definitely do NOT want to add to the problem. Should I just take things into my own hands and forget him bringing me to orgasm, though? I feel selfish for asking it, but my frustration is as real as his.

[auntiejessi]

Hey! Good to see you :)

So first, especially at his age, and when it's so consistent, medical causes have to be ruled out. ED can indicate some serious issues, including heart problems, so that comes first. Don't even mention the sexual frustration - mention that you're worried it's something serious, because it could be.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/syc-20355776

So, for your own needs, do you not normally masturbate even while in a relationship? I mean, I wouldn't talk about it right now, and I'd do it privately, but I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. It's not the same as connecting with someone intimately, but it might help take the edge off. A lot of people masturbate while in a relationship - for stress relief, to aid in falling asleep, because the mood strikes, or whatever.

Some people see that as wrong, some don't. Morally, that's up to you. Clinically and/or medically, there's nothing wrong with it.

Otherwise, I hope you're doing well. :)

[rikki_rabbit]

Hi there!
Yes, I do masturbate. I have no problems at all with it or with him knowing I do that or anyone else for that matter knowing, but I'm trying to be sensitive to him while also not wanting to explode after these fairly long sessions of getting close but not quite...
I guess I was just wondering about whether or not that was going to be my only outlet and if it should be something I do in front of him like when he has not finished... I think you've answered my question by saying it's probably not something to mention to him at this point. I'm thinking maybe I should just keep that in mind for after dates or maybe even do it before hand so I'm not expecting anything.

[auntiejessi]

Yeah, that's what I would do.

Is he planning on addressing it? Does he know the cause already? I hope he plans to, or he knows the cause and is addressing it. Especially for someone his age, it could indicate something really serious, like artery blockage, diabetes, etc.

Hang in there!

[rikki_rabbit]

He's spoken to a dr. about it I know, but seems hesitant to go through with blood tests that are needed in order to be prescribed viagara. Personally, I think he's worried about what they'll find in his blood, because he has some substance abuse issues. I don't know if that's part of what they test for or not and he's not super into talking about that stuff.  I did mention to him that it might be beneficial to stop messing with his body chemistry a little while, and also not to drink since that can cause problems even if you're not abusing it per se. But I feel like he's got to come to these conclusions on his own. He's extremely athletic and fit otherwise, so I think drugs are more likely the problem. But also , he's a veteran with ptsd, so there's all sorts of possibilities. I'm sure he knows he's making things worse deep down, but I think he's still young enough to be in denial about his body's vulnerabilities. you know what I mean? Like when you hit 40 or so, you start to realize you aren't immune to physical problems and you need to be proactive about it.

[auntiejessi]

No, they'll be looking at stuff like cholesterol levels, probably do a CBC, which is looking at things like levels of white and red blood cells, etc., things like that.

However, if he's drinking or using other drugs, that could be contributing, as you probably know, and PTSD could be, as well.

Yep, 40 hits hard, for some reason. Turning 30 means you're really an adult, but somehow, 40 means you're "old" or something. I've seen a meme that says something like, "Welcome to your 40s. If you do not yet have a mysterious ailment, one will shortly be assigned to you." It's not untrue lol.

Is he getting help for the PTSD? I hope so.

[rikki_rabbit]

Yeah. Unfortunately the "help" given to him from VA was prescriptions for medical marijuana to help him sleep and an amphetamine to help him focus during the day.... really disturbing. It's a complicated mess, but I feel like it's good that he's seeing a doctor as so many men don't do that, and I know what I've gotten myself into and have pretty good boundaries. He every once and a while opens up to me about that stuff, but shuts the door pretty quick so I don't know exactly what happened to him or what he needs psychologically. Trying to keep that as his problem and not my own, tbh. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I have kids and my own stuff to deal with so just trying to be appropriately supportive without being codependent. I'm not naturally a caretaker type, so I think that might be good in this situation....for me, anyway.

[auntiejessi]

Nope, that's not selfish at all. That's a healthy boundary. You're his girlfriend, not his therapist.

And an amphetamine for someone with PTSD? That's tricky, but this whole thing is tricky lol.

It will work itself out - it always does, however it's meant to. :)