Aa
Gotta know
My young and healthy boyfriend does not have pre-*** and has a very difficult time having an orgasm. Is this a medical condition or is this psychological?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi.
There's no way I can tell you whether your boyfriend has a medical condition which is affecting his sexual response. A thorough exam is necessary in order to diagnose any physiological factors. If he has orgasms during self-pleasuring, and only has difficulty when being sexual with you, that's a dead give-away that something emotional or psychological is going on.
Here's some general information about the two issues you raised:
When post-pubescent (adult) men become sexually aroused, a gland called the Cowper’s Gland, secretes a milky fluid, also known as "pre-come." Some men produce large amounts of this fluid, while others produce very little. Everyone is different. This fluid clears the urethra of uric acid prior to ejaculation. Without this fluid, many of the sperm carried in semen would be killed or damaged by the acid contained in urine. So when you get turned on, that’s what happens: If your partner isn’t having orgasms and isn’t producing any Cowper’s gland secretions, it’s possible he’s not very turned on. Let’s examine some possibilities:
Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes and that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.” Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Now your partner may be feeling inadequate and embarrassed. And most likely, he’s become depressed. Depression can rob a person of their ability to take action.
In addition, men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game, so when erections or orgasms don’t happen on command, their confidence and self-esteem are affected.
One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. If that's so, the best way to short-circuit those negative messages and allow one's self to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If he conjures up a very hot fantasy in his mind, it may just be the trick to put him over the edge, so to speak.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. Ask him to share more of his memories of negative messages and then ask him to talk about his current attitudes about sex. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of misinformation received in childhood if the adult verbalizes that they no longer believe that. My guess is that once you two get comfortable talking with each other about sex, you’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
Another thing that might help him is to get some accurate information about male sexuality. I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand themselves—and women too!
You also might want to consider getting professional help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A counselor can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
There's no way I can tell you whether your boyfriend has a medical condition which is affecting his sexual response. A thorough exam is necessary in order to diagnose any physiological factors. If he has orgasms during self-pleasuring, and only has difficulty when being sexual with you, that's a dead give-away that something emotional or psychological is going on.
Here's some general information about the two issues you raised:
When post-pubescent (adult) men become sexually aroused, a gland called the Cowper’s Gland, secretes a milky fluid, also known as "pre-come." Some men produce large amounts of this fluid, while others produce very little. Everyone is different. This fluid clears the urethra of uric acid prior to ejaculation. Without this fluid, many of the sperm carried in semen would be killed or damaged by the acid contained in urine. So when you get turned on, that’s what happens: If your partner isn’t having orgasms and isn’t producing any Cowper’s gland secretions, it’s possible he’s not very turned on. Let’s examine some possibilities:
Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes and that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.” Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Now your partner may be feeling inadequate and embarrassed. And most likely, he’s become depressed. Depression can rob a person of their ability to take action.
In addition, men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game, so when erections or orgasms don’t happen on command, their confidence and self-esteem are affected.
One other possibility is that in addition to feelings of discomfort about sex, he may have gotten used to a self-pleasuring pattern in which he needs maximum stimulation in order to have an orgasm--stimulation that's very difficult to receive during penis-vagina sex. If that's so, the best way to short-circuit those negative messages and allow one's self to get more easily turned on is to use the very effective tool of sexual fantasy. If he conjures up a very hot fantasy in his mind, it may just be the trick to put him over the edge, so to speak.
The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. Ask him to share more of his memories of negative messages and then ask him to talk about his current attitudes about sex. Sometimes it’s easier to let go of misinformation received in childhood if the adult verbalizes that they no longer believe that. My guess is that once you two get comfortable talking with each other about sex, you’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.
Another thing that might help him is to get some accurate information about male sexuality. I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available online both used and in paperback. This book has helped thousands of men to better understand themselves—and women too!
You also might want to consider getting professional help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint issues. A counselor can guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
hey girl..
yes to both of ur questions.. the best way is to go see a doctor cause this could be a long term problem for u both..
ps. dont listen to cripple69 he is just a lonely sad man trying to boast online where he doesnt have to prove nothing.
best of luck to u both...
yes to both of ur questions.. the best way is to go see a doctor cause this could be a long term problem for u both..
ps. dont listen to cripple69 he is just a lonely sad man trying to boast online where he doesnt have to prove nothing.
best of luck to u both...
You are reading content posted in the Sexuality & Relationships Forum
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