Husband lacks desire for sex and has left because or it

[Dana15]

My husband of 19 years just suddenly left me.  His reason is that he has no sexual desire for me and it is bothering him that he doesn't have this.  I approached him about three weeks ago about our waning sex life.  We had gone three months without sex.  Usually we had sex once a month, which is still very little.  I wanted to try to figure out ways to fix the problem.  He became agitated and cold and ultimately moved out.  He admitted that he does self pleasure while watching porno.  He says sex is overrated. He did this same thing to me about seven years ago.  Same situation---lack of desire for me, I approach him to discuss, he withdraws and finally leaves.  He came back after about one year.  Our sex life was not great, but we did have sex.  We never addressed the sex problems with a professional and maybe we should have.  We are both someone shy about talking about sex and probably should have dealt with that long ago.  I've been with him through thick and thin---drug problems (his, now fully recovered), sick child (also his), raising his two kids for six years..  It seemed in the beginning that we were dealing with one crisis after another,  but that time period is long past.  Just when we should be enjoying our middle age years together, he takes off again.  He believes the problem is unfixable and just wants to live alone.  I think it can be fixed,  I am pretty sure that there is not another person and that he is not a closeted gay person.  Can someone who loses their sexual desire for a particular person ever get it back?  He says he loves me dearly and actually cried about leaving me, but he seems adamant about staying away.  He works swing shift work which always posed a problem for our getting together sexually.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  We still talk on the phone everyday, but I really don't know what to do.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Dear Dana:

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Indeed, as some others have commented, there's a lot more happening here, and without hearing from your husband, it's impossible for anyone to know what's going on with him. You said he's willing to see a counselor--first alone, and then with you. This is the ideal way to proceed. In the meantime, please consider seeing someone yourself. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and a counselor can help you sort through things and provide emotional support. When the two of you DO go to counseling together, it will be helpful for each of you to say what your issues are. The counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Good luck to you, and please let us know how you’re doing. Dr. J

[Dana15]

I still have not heard from an expert on my post which has been up for over a month.  The problem persists.  My husband has left.  We do see each other and/or talk to each other daily.  He still says he left because our relationship lacked intimacy and romance for years.  But it seems like he's waiting for some outside force to bring that back or for some feeling to just happen to make him want to come back while I feel that two people decide to work on those problems and do so.  An expert opinion would be appreciated.  Is this a hopeless situation?

[Dana15]

Thanks slow healer.  My original post has been up since April 5th.  Hopefully I will get a response soon.

[slow_healer]

They reply when they have the chance to read through the posts. They don't reply on a daily basis.

[Dana15]

I thought that I would receive an answer from an expert by posting to this forum.  I do appreciate comments that I've received from members, but I need an experts view on all of this.  Is there an expert that can respond to my post???

[Dana15]

Thanks Jml.  

[jml1986]

I wish for you sake you knew some answers. One thing I know for sure is that a man just does not just leave his wife because their sex life is not going so well. There is something more to this story that you are not getting. Whether it is another woman, he has a ed problem, a porn addiction, or whatever, there is more to it. A man just doesn't just move out like that for no reason.  Whatever it is, you have to decide if you are going to let him be the one to control your happiness. I love my husband to death but if he moved out on me like that and thought he could call me daily and keep me dangling on a string, he would be wrong. I would be more then willing to give him the opportunity to go to counseling and work through this together, but if he refused, I would do what I had to do for me and my children and move on. I know this may not be the way you think and I totally understand that. I just know for me, I would not wait around for someone to decide my life for me, I want to be the one in control of that.

[Dana15]

Thanks JML.  I would like to find out from a counselor whether its true that a man can lose his sexual desire for you and be unable to get it back.  My spouse basically says that in the early years of our marriage when I was too tired to have sex at times, that he got fed up and simply said the heck with it.  At that point we were always dealing with one crisis or another, so admittedly there were times that I was just too tired.  There were other times when I would have sex with him even thought I didn't particurlarly feel like diong so.  Our sex life did become sporadic.  He claims that after a period of me saying no, he got to a point where he could never get the "feeling" back for me and it bothers him that he cannot get it back.  I think that we can slowly work on our sex life by trying to get in the mood.  He is convinced that this "feeling" must come back and he's not optimistic that it will.   I am not a man, so I don't know whether what he is saying has any merit at all.  He seems to believe that it does.  I tried to initiate sex in the weeks before he left, but he seemed anxious and we never got anywhere.  He ended up leaving about two weeks after that.  So,  I don't know what I'm dealing with here, but he continues to call me everyday and wants to keep the relationship going, but he won't move back in or give me any idea when he would be willing to move back in.  Sometimes, I think i am the only woman in the world dealing with a problem like this.  Is this weird to other people or am I just being naive in not thinking that something else is going on.  I think I know him well enough to tell if there was someone else.  I really don't think that there is.  Actually it would almost be easier if there were because then I would know what I'm really dealing with and could move on with my life.  Right now I feel like I'm dealing with a sick person who I shouldn't abandon, yet.

[jml1986]

This is one of those cases where there has to be more to the story and the only way to find out is through counseling. I maybe the only one that thinks this but just up and moving out seems to be an pretty brash choice to make if there is not more to it then just a sex issue. I would seek help myself even if he chooses not to go with you.

[colorado_g]

Good luck. I thin that counsulling will help . Just stay strong for that taff time,

[Dana15]

Thanks.  I agree that counseling is what we really, really need.  But it was hard to convince him of that because his mood before leaving was so foul.  I spoke with him today and he is willing to seek counseling---first on his own and later with me.  I think his moving out was a sort of cry for help.  It's difficult to deal with, but I'm going to hang in there.

[RailHead]

It would be great if you both could go to counseling.  Otherwise, you might want to go on your own to deal with your situation and help in figuring out your husband's actions.  He should be relating to you and not to the pornography.  While I am not against pornography, in general, it does present a "perfect situation" to the viewer, in that one can view sexual content that matches one's interests without threat of denial or other hassles.  If you have been married 19 years, it would seem that you both could communicate your interests so that pornographic outlets would not be necessary.  I feel that this is mostly the husband's problem, as men often have certain interests or ideas (fetishes) that lend themselves to pornography.  This may not have much to do with you, but on the other hand, it might be worth knowing what kind of porn he is looking at to know if you would be able to satisfy his interest.  One would think that a live person would be so much better than photos and so on.  But it would be worth getting with a counselor that would be able to help you with your marriage and topics other than pornography, which may be only a part of the problem.